A while back my partner and I bought four chairs that are 200 years old, we thought they were rather unusual looking. They are made from oak with a delicate, elegant and whimsical design, not the heavy-handed clunky design typically used for of oak wood.These chairs had a lot going for them and we got them for a very good price. Overall they were in excellent condition with the exception that the previous owner tried to glue each chair underneath the seat where the legs meet the seat, and it was done in the worst possible way. So much so that glue was coming undone and the chairs were quite wobbly to sit on. So we looked for and found a carpenter who specialises in furniture restoration. He was the perfect find. 25 years in business, he has a good eye for style, shape and elegance. He is also located 5 min. from where we live. We had all 4 chairs fixed and on the last chair the backrest had a carved inset that was also glued by a previous owner but that could not be repaired anymore. So the carpenter suggested to recreate/reconstruct the panel and after some deliberation we agreed. It was not a big piece but significantly characteristic for the design of the chair. His prices were quite reasonable and we calculated that we still had a very good deal even with the repairs.
A few days ago we picked up this last chair that required the backrest repair and to our surprise the price had gone up. It was no longer what we arranged over the phone. He told us that it was a lot more work than he thought, which I found hard to believe for someone who has been in business for 25 years and has worked on various project ranging from small to very large scale. But since I did not have any proof of our arrangement, because the whole deal was done verbally and we also paid him cash for it, I could not say anything to his demand. When I walked the time line backwards, I had some realisations as to what happened.
My acceptances and allowances
I had categorised him as a nice guy with the following beliefs:
"I can trust him"
"We understand each other"
"He means well"
"He will give me a good deal and he does good work"
"He is so nice he could be a friend"
There was a fear of conflict, because I did notice that much was done too loosely, i.e. the arrangement of the price in the last instance and also the time line when the chairs had to be done. Therefore I did not communicate my needs because of fear of him getting upset and him doing a shitty job (revenge) on the chairs.
I also had a desire with the following beliefs:
" I want him to do good work"
" I don't want to pay too much"
" I don't want to get ripped off"
" I want this to work out because I don't want to spend more time on getting these chairs repaired"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorise people when I meet them in order to "know" how I should interact with them instead of interacting with them from within the context without creating any beliefs or ideas about the person. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have categorised Mr. Z as a nice person to make myself feel better and feel safe in my business transactions with him.
I realise that I am standing as the self-directive principle and as such all people are equal and therefore I stop categorising people because I see how I create beliefs about another and act from the belief instead from the context of what we share. I realise that I cannot know everything about the context and this is why I have to create clarity for myself by interacting and talking to the person so that I can direct and navigate the shared context.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have categorised Mr. Z as honest and have created a belief about him being honest even though I observed him brushing aside the fact that he did not completely touch up the black chairs (which we bought from him earlier), yet I held onto my belief about his honesty and made decisions that ultimately created the consequences of him raising the price on the chair with the reconstructed backrest. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give people polarised labels where I do not observe their behaviour in reality but make assumptions as to how they will behave based on the label(memory) I have given them. I commit myself to stop labelling people and stop operating from these labels and keep looking at the context anew every single time I am interacting with the person, so that I can understand the context and how the person relates to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to trust Mr. Z instead of seeing, realising and understanding that trust is about myself and how I navigate the situation in the most effective manner so that it is clear and best for all. I commit myself to steadily walk self-trust where I look at any situation and I develop myself within it, so that I see what I need to do to establish the best possible out come for all.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have created a belief about understanding Zimmermann because where i labelled our communication as "him understanding me", I did not realise that understanding is a) not a static entity and b) cannot be generalised from one topic to the next, but that the process of reaching understanding is an ongoing negotiation between people which requires me to consistently look at the context anew and not make any assumption as well as orient myself on physical reality to create real understanding in every moment of breath. I commit myself to stop believing that I am understood or that I can understand someone as general approach and work towards creating understanding, always applying and moving myself in every breath within the shared context between myself and other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Mr. Z means well, a belief I have created on the basis of a conversation with him. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief to structure my interactions with him where I let go of creating a common communication platform, for example writing down the price for the chair and as a consequence I disempower myself and place myself into an inferior position. I realise that I did this because I did not want to take responsibility for my part since I feared conflict if I had placed my demands on him, such as moving from a verbal agreement to a written agreement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified my fear of conflict with a projection that if the situation with him did not work out I would be back to square one and would have to find someone else who probably would be located much further away and this would require me to spend more time on this issues. I realise I am standing as the self-directive principle and within that direct myself past my fears because I realise that my fears are all smoke and mirrors and a self-limitation that I can push through and dispel by moving myself. I commit myself that in future situations where I project justifications which I cannot substantiate I stop myself and make sure that I am free from reactions first and then I move myself to speak up and so walk through the fear of conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Mr. Z will give me a good deal and that he does good work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used his words to make myself feel special and by feeling special I have placed myself in a superior position where I have believed that he served me with his skill and knowledge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have stood as an equal to Mr. Z and have limited myself by not creating a situation that is best for all. I realise that superiority is a trap which implicates me as I no longer direct myself but operate on a false sense of self trust and assumptions. I commit myself to release myself from superiority/inferiority construct in all ways and push myself to see the context that I am walking in at all times so that I stay connected to physical reality and what is actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory where I am appeasing my parents and through this appeasement, I am able to protect myself instead of saying what I saw that unfolded in front of my eyes and learned to direct myself within it. i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the interaction with my parents compromised myself because when I spoke out what I saw, i received angry responses and conflict and have used this memory and situation to develop the "appeasing manipulation" approach. Here I realise that when I use the "appeasing manipulation" approach I lose track of the context in which I find myself and only focus on reading another's (my parents) imminent reactions. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have made myself responsible for my parents’ reactions and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I am responsible for navigating the interaction in a way that avoids my parents’ reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger this way of interacting with others when I am in a situation where I would like my needs and desires met by someone else. I realise that today I am standing as the self-directive principle and therefore I let go of the memory of how I interacted with my parents because today I am completely responsible for myself and I determine what takes place in my life in relation to my needs and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I have compromised myself in my life where I created myself from the starting point of navigating another’s reactions and have suppressed myself in fear of conflict. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have manipulated myself and neglected myself by creating fear of conflict and the various programs I deploy to mitigate the projection of fear. I realise that this anger that I experience towards my parents is mixed with resentment because I resent what I have done to myself and project this onto my parents. Today, I am no longer the little child I was when I stored these memories and I accept standing as the self-directive principle where i make decisions in clarity and self-awareness, I therefore give stop all self-manipulation and neglect and face myself to walk through the fear of conflict every situation that it comes up.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have used the desire that I want Mr. Z to do good work on the chairs to limit myself in how I interacted with him. Here I realise that if he would have reacted to my demands, for example to write down the price of the reconstruction of the backrest inset, I could have withdrawn the assignment and gone elsewhere. Again, I realise that there is a fundamental belief that dictates my desires, where I see no options for a given situation, even though I realise that there are no absolutes in this context, I still operate from a "no option" starting point. I forgive myself that I have a memory of my mother often blackmailing me when she wanted me to do something for her, where I had no way out, and that I have used this memory to create a "no option" belief in my interaction with others. I realise today that I am no longer the child that has "no option" but to comply with my mother, and therefore I let go of the blackmail memory once and for all.