Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Day 570 - Next phase: walking out of separation with a colleague pt3

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative polarisation towards Mr. F and Mr. R because I resent them for what I perceive to be an ol’ boys club, where I only selected few can enter, which determines the direction of the research group that I am in. I realise that this concept of ol’ boys club, which I have encountered in many professional situations inside and outside academia, is an expanded version of the family concept where we as a humanity do not care for each other equally but only for those who we consider our inner circle and completely disregard the rest of the world. Therefore, I accept that I am not part of this inner circle of this research group and cannot influence the direction of the research group and realise that self-change is the only way forward to end inequality and self-interest within myself. Within this I realise that the desire to influence the direction of the research stems from wanting to align the current work situation with my purpose and direction because I resist wanting to change (eventually) to align myself with a work environment which is aligned with my purpose and direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my resistance to change and fear of loss of my current stable living situation to create resentment towards those who I perceive to be the obstacle of creating this alignment in my current work place and therefore stop this resentment and deal with the resistance and fear. As I am standing as the self-directive principle, I realise that all things are impermanent and only change is a constant factor, and within that I further realise that my momentary perceived stability in terms of a my beautiful apartment and comfortable living environment becomes a limitation if I use it to stop myself from pursuing my purpose and direction in the most effective manner. Thus,  I let go of the resistance and fear of loss and direct myself to become comfortable self-stability in that I can make adjustments to any environment and make decisions that will lead to re-establish a comfortable life wherever it will be, where I am also in alignment with my purpose and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I am not able to express myself through my work and all my efforts to collaborate seem to be blocked by Mr. F. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in anger because I cannot express my ideas but I still try and in this I do not look at Mr. F’s mind or starting point where I could realise that there is no space for collaborative interaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry because I do not want to accept the way things are because I still have hopes and expectation that my position at this uni is more than what it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsess about making the situation at this university work instead of focusing on things I have to do for my purpose and direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the situation because I do not want to disappoint the dean because he has been so supportive of me, whereby I am not realising that I am using this morality point to trap myself instead of using the situation to move myself forward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-enact a dynamic from my childhood where I was looking for acceptance from my parents and despite of the abusive situation I always pushed myself to make it better, not because there was a real chance for things to be better but because I was looking to be accepted. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now project this behaviour to my work situation where the niceness and support I have received from the dean has become the motivator for me to place all my focus on my interaction with Mr. F because there is a part of me that would like to go to the dean and demonstrate that I have succeeded in creating a competent working environment with Mr. F. Here I realise that I make the niceness of the dean more than me and use it to limit myself because I accept the morality program as my starting point. Here I realise that i am standing as the self-directive principle and I accept myself as that through directing myself from that starting point, where I can still appreciate another’s support and learn from how the person (the dean) gives that support to others, so that I can apply what I learned in other situations but that I cannot allow the construct to enslave me neither the positive nor the negative aspects of the circumstance /situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build on a program of my childhood in my job situation where I allowed myself to make my parents more than me and from this starting point accept to make decisions that are based on morality where I limit and diminish myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged the word "ruthless"" as negative and have defined myself as “kind-hearted” and have used this polarity construct to make decisions in my life in relation to people and situations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that I have trapped myself within this polarity construct because at some point in my life I made a decision to be loyal to this construct and now realise that I have placed myself in numerous situation where I used the ego-identification of being kind-hearted to limit and trap myself and to undermine my potential. Since I realise this situation now and as I am walking as the self-directive principle, I make a decision to let go of this construct and direct myself within the context of what is here and what is best for all, which in essence means that i focus on my purpose and direction. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can use my time there in much better ways by moving my own projects forward which requires me to accept the situation as is and to stop trying to make it something beyond what it is and to let go of my anger. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enact a similar behaviour as with my parents where I really wanted to change our communication and tried in so many ways, never realising (until recently) that this was not in their capacity as who they are and that it would have had to be initiated and developed by each of my parents in the first place and where I could have acted as support.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that I need to focus on myself and stop all expectation of collaboration at this university. I realise that i am the self-directive principle and that I can make a decision to refocus my efforts on the points that are important to my purpose and direction while I marginally participate with what I must so to keep this job going. 
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