Thursday, March 5, 2015

Day 569 - Next phase: walking out of separation with a colleague pt2

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After listening to this EQAFE interview I realised that I have created Mr. F as a person in my mind and in my mind I am faced with the backchat from this imaginary person on the one hand and the interpretation of the person’s behaviours in my interactions with him on the other. This, I realise, is because I have a bunch of memories set up since childhood that keep me enslaved in the superiority/inferiority construct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I met Mr. F allowed myself to draw on memories about Mr. F’s use of words and his representation (Image) and have used these memories to construct a person in my mind so that I am no longer seeing Mr. F anew in each context of interaction but only in reference to my memories. I realise that in the past I have constructed myself from imaginations based on my interactions with my parents and other people, where I have allowed myself to enter into comparison and through this comparison have created a database of inferiority and superiority thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have established a relationship with this database of pre- canned judgement that aggregate the superiority/inferiority construct and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to draw from this database when I meet someone new because I allow for the trigger to exist in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to slow myself down in the moment I meet someone and remain in awareness as I have seen with Mr. F, because I realise, see and understand that if I had stayed in awareness I would have been able to reject the thoughts and backchat that appeared in my mind. At this moment, at this juncture I could have initiated change and started to disconnect and breakdown my relationship with this database of the superiority/inferiority construct. 

Therefore I commit myself to when and as I am meeting new people regardless in what context, I remain stable by making myself aware of my thoughts that come up so that in awareness I am able to let these thoughts go because I have seen now with Mr. F, if my database links me up to memories then this becomes the starting point of my interaction with the person - either from the stand point of inferiority or superiority. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to Mr. F. in the moment when I interpret his behaviour as self-importance where I attach a series of judgements to his person that exists in my mind and where I believe that his way of acting affects the overall development of the project that we are collaborating on. Here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can concentrate to stay focussed on the context of the meeting/ the project and see how I can assist and support Mr. F with my contribution to make the project a success. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead get emotional about the discussion that emerges during the meeting, where I believe in my mind that I know better what to do, but do not allow myself to contribute from the starting point of support and assistance but rather from the starting point of superiority. Seeing this point, I commit myself to change it so that in the next meeting when and as i am getting ‘excited ‘ about what I believe stalls the progress of the project, I slow myself down to the point where i am calm and I stop all judgements and focus myself on the very context of the meeting and point out what needs to be done from the perspective of the project. At the same time, I commit myself to stop listening to all backchat and focus on bringing my point across clearly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use Mr. F’s fear of creativity as a point of support and assistance but instead use it in spitefullness where though this fear I allow myself to diminish him and establish myself in superiority. Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise here I have a situation were I can "give what I like to receive” namely support, assistance and guidance so that I can assist Mr. F to step out of the fear. Therefore, I commit myself to when and as I see Mr. F’s fear of creativity surfacing, take a deep breath and look  at the situation in how I can contribute support so that he may be able to see the illusion of his fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in comparison because in my mind I compare myself to Mr. F instead of asking myself : what is the complementary value of our skill sets ? So that I can see better how I can steer my interactions with the team, the dean and Mr. F in that direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept comparison to judge as default because it surfaces in my mind, and by doing so I create separation and also avoidance as my starting point of the interaction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself in my interactions with Mr. F by only looking at the situation from my perspective where I can only see what benefits me, and where I make myself blind to the perspective of others who are part of the context, and yet in my mind, I demand acceptance and support from my colleagues while I am not willing to give that kind of support to Mr. F.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I share my knowledge and skills with the group (at work), I should benefit from it and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my participation because in my mind I estimate what I could receive in return and from that starting point I will give just enough so that I believe the exchange is even. Here I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in polarisation where on the one hand, in other areas of my life, I am a freely giving person, and in this area in my life I react with superiority which makes me a stingy and greedy person.  I realise that this is a point of control that I use to protect myself from the others because I believe that I have seen to many indications that the situation and the people in it is not trustworthy. Here I also see the self-limitation and the illusion that I would lose something of myself if I were to give of myself freely and thus I commit myself to find a way to contribute of my knowledge and experience where I am embracing and balancing my projects and my time and the group's project and their time. 

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Monday, March 2, 2015

Day 568 - Next phase: walking out of separation with a colleague pt1

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The context of this series:


In earlier blog posts, I have written about my work situation where I managed to be moved from a research group A, which is headed by a notorious professor with strong bullying characteristics to another research group B. Because of this move, i am now in research group B but without immediate supervisor. Through the structural layout of the research groups and the faculty, my line manager is the dean. Since entering into research group B, there has been a strong marginalisation tendency going on which seems to be instigated by a small group of individuals - and mostly one individual from that group, Mr. F. The reasons are many and some are rather obvious, not at least because I’ve come from the research group with the feared professor. 

Since I have been in research group B, I had to walk through a few constructs such as: giving up on myself as my expectations for a better work environment were shattered, feeling sorry for myself because of the circumstances, seeing myself as the victim of the situation and dealing with fear of the future because I believed that was no longer building my career as a researcher. Looking back on the past seven months I managed to move myself out of these constructs and I also devised a plan in how to use the situation to benefit me so that I could grow and expand professionally. 

Now the situation has shifted because the dean has put me directly on one of the projects were I am collaborating with Mr. F. Therefore the moments of friction have been increasing. I see that I am posing a threat to him and that his reactions are strong, sometimes explosive. When he does not like something I say or do he tries to intimidate me. There is a need on his part to control me. I have been told that in the past he has displayed these behaviours with selective people and that they have eventually left the university.

In the past 7 months I have worked somewhat with my relationship to him as well. But only in situational cases because I had so minimal contact with him. Now there is certainly no more room to withdraw and avoid dealing with Mr. F, I have to take the situation head on. Even though I realise that he is reacting out of fear, I have been unable to stop my reactions and attitude towards him. In my mind, I am seeing myself as superior to him because of my work background and my experience. I realise that I have constructed this mindset to protect myself from his intimidation tactics. When he reacts to me I react to him in anger which I suppress but I will let him know how I see the situation. When looking at the previous years in how I would have reacted in a similar situation, it looks like I have gone from inferiority to superiority - the other end of the spectrum of polarisation. 

I would like to get to the stage where I can stand as his support and assist him, where I am no longer reacting in anger inside of myself. I want to be able to direct the situation without experiencing myself in separation to him because I take his behaviour personally. In short I want to walk out of the separation within this relationship. 



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