Saturday, May 9, 2015

Day 576 - My creativity and the dream



Recently I suggested to my partner to start drawing again, just a few minutes a day, whenever we can. Years ago I very much enjoyed myself in the pursuit of drawing from life and then something happened. As I became more involved with academia I developed this sense that my creativity had dried up. A few years ago at the end of my studies I ventured out into a life drawing session because I always thought that some day I have the time to go back to it. It was a gruesome experience as I was sitting in the session, every one around me busily drawing, the model changing poses, and I could not do anything. It was as if I was suddenly paralysed. I remember being very angry and disappointed. The once comforting life drawing session was no longer a reality, my reality - and I did not understand what had happened in the time span of my last drawing session and the day were I experienced myself stifled and unable to draw.

Then yesterday after our short drawing session, where I felt quite comfortable and relaxed and also enjoyed myself, I had this ominous dream that was so real and so detailed that I actually believed it had happened once I awoke. What I remember is that I dreamt that my hands were cut off, right at the wrists. I had these two stumps left and  I was trying to place my hands back on the stumps - shuffling them around because it was so awkward to be without hands.  There was a friend with me who said to me: You can find a doc and they'll craft those hands back on. I was so uncoordinated navigating with these stumps and I remember from the dream what it felt like. Then once I had placed my hands back onto my wrists, I walked around holding my hands up so that they would not drop on the floor. Whenever someone wanted to touch my hand I would get slightly anxious because the moment they would touch my hand it would just come off again - at least that is what I believed. Throughout the dream I was not very emotional I was merely annoyed about the extra task on my plate of having to find a doctor who could craft my hands back onto my wrists. I was all about bad timing. But again, the experience was physically so convincing that I even felt the tingling in my hands when I shuffled my hands back onto my wrists …..

So what do I make of it….?

I don't have a perspicuous view on this dream tough I do realise that this dream relates to my self-expression. I also realise that I am in the process of changing my approach to creativity - not in the active sense, I have not set out to walk this point with deliberation - rather there is a change happening which has to do with how I see my creative expression. I recall that in the old days I was very critical of my creative products and self-judgement was born out of expectation to achieve in physical reality what I imagined in my mind. I often ended up obsessed working and working to match this mind point with my output - yet the output was meagre and I was frustrated. My expectation of what I ought to produce was attached to the label or picture I had of myself, and I desired to live up to the picture.

I have been working on releasing myself from expectation, though mainly in my relationship. Given the principle that the inner and the outer are reflexive and mutually reciprocally interrelated, releasing myself from expectation in my relationship has also supported me to release myself from expectations that I have placed on myself. I see this dream reflecting this change. My old hands have simply come off, and now I am getting a pair of new hands… and I am in the position to walk a new phase of creativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not dared to be creative (without a purpose) in many years because I have been holding onto the experience I had when I was sitting in the life drawing session where I experienced myself completely paralysed - here I realise that I have used fear and anxiety to shut my creative expression out from my life because I stood as inferior to the situation and did not allow myself to direct myself to a place of equality. Today I am standing as the creative and directive principle and as such I direct myself to walk through any and all remaining self-limitation in relation to my creativity and I use drawing to face myself within the thoughts and judgements that come up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached meaning, purpose and recognition to my creativity and undermined the point of enjoyment and self-awareness at the same time, because I have labeled myself as creative and have created an idea and imagination of who I am when I am creative where I have accumulated beliefs and expectations into a program that I would allow myself to exist as when I entered into a creative space that was important to me. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and I release myself from expectations in all areas of my creative life and equalise myself all around so that I stop self-judgement about my creative output.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as not creative enough, as not good enough in my creativity, and have used this self-judgement to limit and trap myself and have made decisions from within this trapped space that I have created for myself. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and as such I direct myself to release the bonds of self-judgement and set myself and my creativity free.

I commit myself to walk these statements in breath and self-awareness.

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