Thursday, March 5, 2015

Day 569 - Next phase: walking out of separation with a colleague pt2






After listening to this EQAFE interview I realised that I have created Mr. F as a person in my mind and in my mind I am faced with the backchat from this imaginary person on the one hand and the interpretation of the person’s behaviours in my interactions with him on the other. This, I realise, is because I have a bunch of memories set up since childhood that keep me enslaved in the superiority/inferiority construct. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I met Mr. F allowed myself to draw on memories about Mr. F’s use of words and his representation (Image) and have used these memories to construct a person in my mind so that I am no longer seeing Mr. F anew in each context of interaction but only in reference to my memories. I realise that in the past I have constructed myself from imaginations based on my interactions with my parents and other people, where I have allowed myself to enter into comparison and through this comparison have created a database of inferiority and superiority thoughts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have established a relationship with this database of pre- canned judgement that aggregate the superiority/inferiority construct and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to draw from this database when I meet someone new because I allow for the trigger to exist in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to slow myself down in the moment I meet someone and remain in awareness as I have seen with Mr. F, because I realise, see and understand that if I had stayed in awareness I would have been able to reject the thoughts and backchat that appeared in my mind. At this moment, at this juncture I could have initiated change and started to disconnect and breakdown my relationship with this database of the superiority/inferiority construct. 

Therefore I commit myself to when and as I am meeting new people regardless in what context, I remain stable by making myself aware of my thoughts that come up so that in awareness I am able to let these thoughts go because I have seen now with Mr. F, if my database links me up to memories then this becomes the starting point of my interaction with the person - either from the stand point of inferiority or superiority. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to Mr. F. in the moment when I interpret his behaviour as self-importance where I attach a series of judgements to his person that exists in my mind and where I believe that his way of acting affects the overall development of the project that we are collaborating on. Here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I can concentrate to stay focussed on the context of the meeting/ the project and see how I can assist and support Mr. F with my contribution to make the project a success. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to instead get emotional about the discussion that emerges during the meeting, where I believe in my mind that I know better what to do, but do not allow myself to contribute from the starting point of support and assistance but rather from the starting point of superiority. Seeing this point, I commit myself to change it so that in the next meeting when and as i am getting ‘excited ‘ about what I believe stalls the progress of the project, I slow myself down to the point where i am calm and I stop all judgements and focus myself on the very context of the meeting and point out what needs to be done from the perspective of the project. At the same time, I commit myself to stop listening to all backchat and focus on bringing my point across clearly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use Mr. F’s fear of creativity as a point of support and assistance but instead use it in spitefullness where though this fear I allow myself to diminish him and establish myself in superiority. Here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise here I have a situation were I can "give what I like to receive” namely support, assistance and guidance so that I can assist Mr. F to step out of the fear. Therefore, I commit myself to when and as I see Mr. F’s fear of creativity surfacing, take a deep breath and look  at the situation in how I can contribute support so that he may be able to see the illusion of his fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in comparison because in my mind I compare myself to Mr. F instead of asking myself : what is the complementary value of our skill sets ? So that I can see better how I can steer my interactions with the team, the dean and Mr. F in that direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept comparison to judge as default because it surfaces in my mind, and by doing so I create separation and also avoidance as my starting point of the interaction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself in my interactions with Mr. F by only looking at the situation from my perspective where I can only see what benefits me, and where I make myself blind to the perspective of others who are part of the context, and yet in my mind, I demand acceptance and support from my colleagues while I am not willing to give that kind of support to Mr. F.  


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I share my knowledge and skills with the group (at work), I should benefit from it and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my participation because in my mind I estimate what I could receive in return and from that starting point I will give just enough so that I believe the exchange is even. Here I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in polarisation where on the one hand, in other areas of my life, I am a freely giving person, and in this area in my life I react with superiority which makes me a stingy and greedy person.  I realise that this is a point of control that I use to protect myself from the others because I believe that I have seen to many indications that the situation and the people in it is not trustworthy. Here I also see the self-limitation and the illusion that I would lose something of myself if I were to give of myself freely and thus I commit myself to find a way to contribute of my knowledge and experience where I am embracing and balancing my projects and my time and the group's project and their time. 

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