Monday, March 30, 2015

Day 572 - The friendly face ends here: walking out from a fear design pt2

Yesterday I had a chat with my buddy and I was discussing with her my next step in the saga of a passive-aggressive colleague, where I am excluded from receiving new information that affects the project’s development process. The effect of this manoeuvre is that am contributing on the basis of old information and therefore make apparent mistakes that look like I am ignoring what has been decided and discussed. As I am walking myself out of fear designs, my plan was to speak up and send an email to one person in the team who has been the go-between, translating decisions from the management to the development team.

When I discussed this with my buddy, she said, why don’t you send it to the entire team ( this would include higher management and those who I have only remote dealings with)? My answer was ""yes, why not, I can do that”

Later on that night I realised why I only wanted to send the information to one person because I thought of him as the “safe" bet - he is the one level-headed guy around who is also a foreigner in the group and who I believe I have more in common with than everyone else. 

So, interesting-  here I saw how I tried to walk the point half-way, keeping it still in the safe-zone within my fear. But it was so cleverly disguised that only after discussions with my buddy when I asked myself “so why did I not think of sending the email to the entire group?” It dawned on me that I was afraid that I would rock the boat - hence that the person whose passive-aggressive tactics I am dealing with would get even more angry and further subjugate me to more tall tails. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to the entire team because I fear that this would increase Mr. F’s anger and would cause him to also increase his strategies to marginalise me. Here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions on how I want to direct myself based on the potential reactions of someone else instead of directing the group based on what is best for all. Because I am standing as the self-directive principle, I am now stopping myself from directing myself on the premise of someone’s reactions by first looking at my solution and checking for myself where I am still allowing fear to exist. Once I am totally clear on the point, I am stepping forth to put the solution into manifestation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my mind to justify my decision on how I was going to direct the situation and have manipulated myself so that I would have created a belief on directing myself but not actually doing so. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have slowed myself down but have moved so fast in my decision making process, so that I could not see the fear connected to the decision sending the email to Mr. B for safety and thus trapping myself in a fear design. Here I realise that I have stalled sending the email - in other words I did not send it right away - because I had a doubt which led me to double-check my approach with my buddy, therefore “saving” myself from walking into the fear design. Thus I realise that I have now seen how I can use doubt effectively to double-check my solutions before I turn them into action and I commit myself to listen to the doubt when it comes up and to look at it in detail so that I am in the position to understand what I am trying to hide from myself or how I am trying to manipulate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have labelled the members of the team I am working with within negative and positive polarisation, so that I can attach emotions to each team member instead of realising that I can stand one and equal to each team member and focus on my own self-direction instead of reacting to the behaviour of other team members. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in this way, by allowing myself to react to others, since I allow myself to have a (reactive) picture of each team member in my mind. Here I realise that I am standing as the self-directive principle and within this I make myself aware when I am in the process of pegging people from my point of self-interest based on their emotional reactions to me. When and as I am noticing that I am pegging a colleague I stop myself and slow myself down so as to let go of creating an emotional interaction line with the person. I commit myself to release myself from labelling others through my perceptions of them and walk the context of each situation, where I identify the ‘players' of the situation by who they are in the context of the situation, and I stop all emotional attachments that I project onto another. 


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