Saturday, March 21, 2015

Day 571 - The friendly face ends here pt1





Before I started process, I was an exceedingly friendly person. Once I realised that this was a label I gave myself I also realised that the deep dark secret behind this label was that I wanted to be liked, that I wanted to please, that I feared others, and that I wanted to avoid conflict. This one tag covers a broad spread of dimensions all related to the value of self. I have been walking these dimensions in layers and I can see the change in how I relate to my environment because I no longer jump to please others and I no longer run away from conflict - of course this is in relative terms as I am still walking...

In the recent days I noticed a point that has reared it's head and at the same time shown some shifting. It's a point that comes up when I am interacting with others, where I will go along with a notion in a conversation, or a notion of mannerism because the other person has initiated it or likes it that way. Two points in case: 

I have recently moved offices (yes again!) and my co-worker likes to talk about casual things, such as fashion or gender typing her boyfriend in what he does or does not do. In the beginning when I moved in to the office - this is just a couple of weeks ago, I just went along and tried to chime into the conversation, not seem rude and to be friendly. I adapted myself to her even though I don't really care about these things and don't see them important enough to discuss. However, this point of self-adaption has been so prevalent that I never questioned the idea that I don't really have to talk about these things if I don't want to. At some point recently there was a shift in our relationship which had to do with work and is not relevant for this post. Let's just say because of this shift, I stopped going into the verbal compromise where I no longer chime in and perpetuate the conversation along the lines of fashion and boyfriend do's and don'ts. Something happened within me. I experienced myself as lighter, relieved in a way because I no longer had to 'go' to the fashion and boyfriend talk. I experienced this new way of relating as more authentic, yet from my perception as a lot less friendly, because I am no longer adapting myself. In previous posts I have walked this personality of wanting to please but I have not had this kind of clear feedback up until now, where I could see the difference in my self-experience. 


The second instance is about an exercise class where I was usually put on a friendly face as I am standing across from my instructor, together with everyone else. I was giving her feedback by smiling and participating through my facial expression. The last time I was there, I did not smile but just held my face as I am when I am by myself. It felt awkward because I saw that the instructor expected me to smile and nod along as if I was saying "cool class". Interestingly enough, at some point she came to me and asked me if everything was OK. So here I was no longer fulfilling her expectations of being the friendly face and supportive participant and this threw her off. 

What I am experiencing now is that there is still a clumsy way in which I look for my relaxed comfortable face…


Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for using my facial expression as personality attribute to exhibit friendliness and to accommodate others because I believe that if I adjust my face for another then I establish a friendly common ground, similar to holding up a white flag that signals to my interaction partner that I have no weapons and I don't want to harm - whereby I realise that this is still a habit in my physical body which is/was rooted in my expectation that the person I interact with can potentially harm me. I realise that this is a memory of my childhood from when I interacted with my parents and I had to gauge if the situation was dangerous for me but I no longer experience the fear but my body/face is still operating on this level. Today, I am standing as the self-directive principle and I direct myself to be comfortable and relaxed with my face and hold my face as it suits me from my expression that is rooted in my relationship with Self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in awkward ways because I am finding my relaxed face when I no longer project friendliness using my face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am causing reactions in others for this change, when I realise that I cannot change another's reaction but can remain in stability with myself. I realise that I am standing as the self-directive principle and as such I stop interpreting another's mannerism and relate to the context that is here in every moment of breath. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother who used to be very upset and angry with us, her family, and the moment when someone outside from the family would approach her, she would shift into friendliness and this would upset me because I judged her as two-faced. Today I realise that her friendliness was put on for others to see because she experienced herself as inferior. Hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my mother as two-faced and have been angry at her for that because I see that this was the program she ran to deal with her inferiority. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother commenting on one of our neighbours who did not smile back to her when they crossed paths, where my mother judged her as aloof, inaccessible and unfriendly and that I decided that I did not want to be like that because I feared someone making comments about me the way my mother made comments about this neighbour. Today I realise that I stood as inferior to my mother and that I used the words she spoke to program myself, also because I desired to be liked and accepted by her. I now release myself from these programs and direct myself from within the relationship I have with myself where I decide who I want to be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother who would get very upset if we were walking outside on the sidewalk and I was exploring my surroundings as a young child and would not immediately yield if someone was trying to pass me and within that I forgive myself that I have programmed myself to believe that it is my duty to yield to others whenever I can, even to the point where I cause myself inconveniences and inflict pain onto myself. Today I am standing as the self-directive principle and I stop yielding to others and decide for myself in common sense how I move and behave as a self-expression. 








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