Friday, November 28, 2014

Day 564 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt3

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In this post I continue from the previous post….


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear of becoming homeless when things are looking up in my life but when they are going down the fear comes out and stifles me in being able to see the things in my life for what they are. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the fear that I will have no other means/ways to direct myself if I were to become homeless and lose everything then to roam the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking out into the world through the eyes of a homeless woman who roams the street and having to endure all the negativity and pity from the people around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have to compromise myself in many ways if I were to lose everything so that I would become dependent on another person because I want to avoid roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless and lose everything and would have to live in the street that I would have no more privacy, and that waking up in the morning in the street where other people are walking would be a hellish experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless with nowhere to go and I would get sick, I would not be able to get help and die from sickness a horrible and painful death. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless and lose everything and roam the streets I would die in the streets in a public place with no one to care about assisting me in my last hour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were with a partner while becoming homeless because I have lost everything that this partner would leave me because of my homeless status and that this would make it even worse for me. 

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything I would give up on myself and that this would render me homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything and become homeless that I would regret not applying myself more in my process to walk out of my self-created limitations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would be ashamed of myself if I were to become homeless and roam the street because I used to be afraid of homeless people when I was not homeless myself.


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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Day 563 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt2

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I am continuing from my previous post….

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that this fear exists within me, and that I do not even want to go near the thought and look at it but instead have created a wall within myself in total separation from myself, so that I remain in fear and dwell on the energyof fear instead of directing the fear and ending it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to rely on the mercy of others, being completely dependent for my survival on another's judgement whether I am worthy to receive alms so that I can survive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the fear of becoming a bag lady to pity the homeless women I see and to deeply feel sorry for them, which indicates to me that I am content that I am not the one roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a bag lady because above all I fear the shame I would be experiencing if my life were to turn in this direction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to share whatever I have available with other homeless people if I were to become homeless and would have to survive in the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that losing everything and becoming homeless is just something that can happen to me without me having any power to direct the situation prior to losing everything and becoming homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friends would end their friendship with me if I were to become a bag lady - therefore I fear being completely alone in the world and not having a familiar face to talk to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never ever considered the life of a bag lady by putting myself in her shoes without a host of emotional reactions because I have only ever considered such a life from the perspective of pain, sorrow and failure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having to go to a public shelter where I have heard from my friends who are social workers, homeless people are attacked, robbed, injured and assaulted by other homeless people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and being completely helpless and exposed with no place to withdraw and get away to feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having lost everything and wanting to die but not having the courage to actually perform the act of killing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living as a bag lady and never ever having the opportunity to make amends, to reverse the situation and live a "normal" life again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and never ever being able to sleep in a bed again and to use a flushing toilet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the situation where I have lost everything because I would have to find long lost relatives to help me and I would no longer have the means and knowledge of their whereabouts to do so. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and spending my life roaming the streets because I fear the suffering that would await me if this situation were to come true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own disgust of the situation, I would have to face, if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer having goals that I can pursue and no longer having a purpose in my life if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I am not living my preprogrammed life that chances that I can lose everything and roam the streets are higher as if I had stayed within my preprogrammed design. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have completely ignored the fact that a homeless person is just like me, and just like me suffers from the system we have designed and created together. 
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Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1

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In my last buddy chat, I was asked to imagine the worst case scenario I could conjure up for myself. Only towards the end of the chat I was able to actually say what it would be. My answer was: I lose everything and end up roaming the streets. My buddy had asked me several questions prior to this one, how would I handle the situation if I lost my job and so forth… I could see in my answers that I actually no longer default to self-devaluation which was cool feedback on my process. However, the "bag lady" fear seems to have a stronghold on me. Here is what my buddy said:

"….the judgement towards this scenario within myself is the point that creates the fear within self. After you have done the self-forgiveness stand within the shoes of the bag lady. Allow yourself to become the bag lady in your mind. You will find many resistances to this… and once you are able to stand one and equal, then you will know that your self-forgiveness is complete." 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and being left with nothing so that I have to live in the street for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that living without support in anyway, so that I am left roaming the street is the worst thing I can imagine for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the fear to becoming a bag lade control me and use this fear to judge the life style of the bag lady as the worst case scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of the BXL train station where lots and lots of homeless people live and in this memory I am scared of the people because I have an aversion to the smell and the dirty existence that these men and women lead. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear, anxiety, aversion and dirty existence to the memory of the homeless people living in the BXL's train stations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that as a bag lady I could not preserve myself that I would not be able to eat the trash that others leave behind and that I would not be able to overcome the shame and therefore rather die. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if the worst case scenario were true I would not being able to wash my body or wash my clothes and that I have to lie in the street to sleep,  in the cold and wet not having anywhere to go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything that I would have many regrets about the things I did and didn't do in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to live in the streets that I could get attacked by men and that there would be no one to help me or protect me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I might get my hands on by roaming the streets, I have to protect very well because other homeless people might attack me and want what I have found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets so that I can no longer walk my process and write self-forgiveness because I am so consumed by the situation that I have fallen into the depths of anxiety and fear, so that I am unable to stand up again.  




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