Saturday, November 22, 2014

Day 561 - Being thrown into a new environment pt4

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The week is over, my work at the commission is completed. Again, the interaction with my ad-hoc colleagues during this intense work week brought out many aspects of my patterns or "characters" that I am still facing in the sense that i am aware of them and still have automated reactions. Some patterns, I have been able to transcend when they came up, but with other patterns I see that my will is not yet strong enough to stop the behaviour. 

In this post I will summarise the commitments (from the self-forgiveness in the previous post) that will put the patterns I still act out into perspective. 

If and when I am in a new environment where I have thoughts that I will be challenged professionally, I will first accept that the challenge is neither negative nor positive and if I lean into either direction then I see, realise and understand that i am existing in energy within the polarity of good/bad so that I release the energy.

I see, realise and understand that I have connected the idea of "challenge" to fear as well as positive excitement. In the case of this event, I recognise that I defaulted to fear because I believe that my skill set is not at the level I would like it to be and that I use desire/ the ego picture of myself to create emotions which obstruct my view of reality. What I have learned from this event was that my skill set was sufficient and that it was not expected of me to have more skill then I do. I commit myself to continue walking out of the thoughts that keep me limited in terms of what I should be, should have, and how I should act, and accept where I am at without self-judgement and self-condemnation. 

I see, realise and understand further that as I judge myself, I also judge and react to others. I therefore commit myself to continue placing my awareness on "judgement" patterns, to be able to release myself from judging myself and others throughout (all) situations that I encounter in my life. 

I see, realise and understand that entering into an unknown situation is a trigger for me where I allow self-judgement and judgement of others, anticipation, shame, as well as ego pictures to “take over”. 

I commit myself to continue looking into the construct that ‘new’ and ‘unknown’ environments present in my programming "makeup" until I understand the relationship between the fear of entering into these situations and the memories I have used to keep this fear going. 

I commit myself further to continue exposing myself to new environments and to challenge my comfort zones so that I can explore myself through my reactions in these environments.
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Day 560 - Being thrown into a new environment pt3

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The writing here is a continuation from the previous post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have focussed my interactions on the people who I had judged were nice to me, and have avoided or ignored, interacting with others especially those I felt uncomfortable with, or where the I did not receive a reciprocal body language of openness which I interpret as invitation to interact. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a strategy when I enter into a new environment, and then look for people who I see as nice and like-minded, and once I have found those people, I feel save and stick to them throughout the duration of my stay. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to react when I enter new environments because I feel unstable inside of myself, I therefore use this instability to allow my “old” patterns” to step in and to provide the stability that I am seeking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when I would insist interacting with people who I did not sense wanted to interact with me, I would have to experience rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fear of rejection to determine who I interact with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret a person’s behaviour as either pro or anti- "I", and use this interpretation as a starting point for how i interact with the person.




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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Day 559 - Being thrown into a new environment pt2

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Today was the fourth day in this new and temporary environment. I have come a long way from my previous post, my 2nd day experience. The writing supported me to get myself back on track and has also strengthen my resolve to stand up and stand strong as self, regardless if I seem to stick out of the crowd or not. 

Today though I realised another point. When working side by side with these impromptu colleagues, some very successful people in their field, working habits transpire and it becomes quite evident that success results from the scaffolding of concentration, discipline, dedication, commitment and self-motivation. Success is indeed the end of a long road. There was in particular one person who impressed me with his stamina of concentration and self-motivation reading and writing about some very dry documents, often written in cumbersome language with lots of jargon. When I watched him work and saw his level of self-motivation, I realised that in many ways I stood in the way of my own success. I have known what to do in terms of the methods of working and the characteristics such as self-motivation - and here is the big but - I have not been consistent and deliberate at all times in applying them. I realised that in the past, I have victimised myself because all the hard work that I have done to reach a particular goal I frequently have undone through self-sabotage. I then manage to stand up again, do the work again, until I reach the point where I allow myself to let self-sabotage enter into the scenario. I herewith declare that self-sabotage is no longer my friend. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know in most situations what to do, in order to achieve the best possible result and reach my goal but that I deliberately misuse my knowledge to sabotage myself to the point where I fail to create the outcome I set out to achieve. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-sabotage to stay within my self-limitation because I believe that it’s a safe place and that I know my power within these limits. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what lies outside the limits that I have accepted as me and that I use this fear to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the fear that I have created, the fear of letting go of the fear, and therefore keep myself trapped in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that every time I allow my thoughts to direct me in the moment, I give into my mind and weaken my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in the situation where on the one hand I push myself to move and self-direct the “who I am” from the starting point of my being, and on the other hand pull the breaks by letting go of my will and my ability to stay in awareness and surrender to my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that surrendering to my thoughts is OK at times and not at others, and thus I am sabotaging myself as I am wavering in my stance to the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself preoccupied between these two scenarios so that I do not have to face what lies beyond my self-limitations. 
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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Day 558 - Being thrown into a new environment pt1

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I have recently travelled to a professional gathering where I met people from all over Europe to work together with them for one week. We work side by side from morning to evening. In the evenings I go to my hotel and wake up the next morning to start again.. Most of the people did not know each other and all came from the various parts of Europe. A big mix of people, languages, and cultural habits. 
Part of our job was that we had to reach consensus on particular topics. We work in groups of three, each time rotating the people who are in the group

As everywhere, when people come together cliques form. You see the same people going to lunch together and hanging out during the breaks and when we socialise at night.  Before I came to this gathering, I had some thoughts about the socialisation part. Having to find people to go to lunch with and having to find people to talk to and so forth. I can see that here i was “stuck” in anticipation. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated within myself that the hard part of this job/contract was the socialisation with total strangers and that I experienced an uneasiness about the idea. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that I still believe that I must react to my environment, and therefore want to know everything about a new environment before entering into it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be comfortable in new environments and that I allow and accept worry about this desire not being fulfilled. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to be here within every moment of breath when I enter into an unknown and new environment in which I have to operate. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in my new environment because I do not feel comfortable within myself. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I am being perceived by others when I enter into a new and unknown environment. 

Today is the second day and it has been a bit difficult in the sense that I have noticed that I still have reactions wanting to make sure that I also have a few people to hang out with, and that I do not end up alone. It is not about being alone, but it’s about being part of a group within the group and not being left out. I would actually have no problems of being alone, going alone to lunch and hanging out during the breaks. But since I am part of the group, going alone would make me feel left out. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as a “loner” in the group because I want to be seen as accepted by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care about what people think of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as belonging to others because I believe that if I were seen as not belonging to others I would stand out. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out but to want to fit in. 
I also noticed that I seem to attract some people and repel others, and this causes me to have some anxiety because I do not understand why that is so. I experience a desire to know and to find out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out from the crowd and when I do I don’t want to deal with the consequences of being favoured  by some and not by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to other's people's definition of me when I do not want to be perceived as "different".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to construct 'security' for myself through the perception of others. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that security is who I am in my relationship with self and cannot be "obtained" through others. 

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