Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Day 548 - more on ego @work - point c.

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In this post I continue from what I summarised on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work
c. Dislike of the professor and regret for having addressed him with my idea. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. in terms of disliking him,  when I see, realise and understand that what i dislike is that he does not react in ways that I want him to react, where I feel comfortable within my preprogrammed design, and so that I can move forward with the project and I have someone who will take more responsibility regarding the tasks involved, in writing the various parts of the project that I believe are difficult to write. 

When and as I see that I have resistance to something I stop right there and within this example I see that I could have cleared myself from the resistance before I went to talk to the prof. because I was aware that I had gone into resistance and thus the situation unfolded as it did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. because I want someone else to take most responsibility for the writing of the section that I fear to write because I believe that this is unknown territory for me and because it is not my research area I would probably miss obvious connections that are instrumental to producing a successful application. 

I see, realise and understand that this project idea requires several areas  of expertise and that I cannot embody them all and within that I realise further that I can stand within the idea without fear and continue patiently with my search for other collaborators. I commit myself to use this project as opportunity to step by step walk out of the fears that arise, and move myself gently forward and stop all expectations as to a successful assembly of a consortium for the proposal writing process.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the project is indeed a collaborative effort where several expertise come together, and that there is no need for me to develop a fear and thus judge others because they do not respond to me in the way that assures me that they will fill the void regarding the parts of the project I am unfamiliar with. 

I commit myself to release all judgements and dislikes and see, realise and understand that what I judged is myself because I, in dishonesty, I did not clear my fears. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret addressing the prof because i feel shame that we did not click and that I did not present myself in a better light - meaning that I see myself as failure in the way I have made contact with him. 

When and as I have another thought of shame come up, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that this is my own making that I interpret someone else's behaviour so that I can experience myself in shame.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Day 547 - more on ego @work - point b.

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I continue working through the fears that came up from my interactions at work which I have outlined on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work


b. Fear of having created an "enemy" because of my straightforwardness and not submitting to the rules


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted that I can be rejected by others because I give myself permission to do so, and through this acceptance have allowed myself to fear that I have done something bad/wrong/false when I interpret another's reactions from the point of a potential rejection, and so believe that through my words and actions I deserve that another can consider me his or her enemy. 

When and as I have a moment where I am 'feeling rejected' I stop myself and breathe, and I look at the situation why I am feeling this way and then release with all my being myself from the situation. I commit myself to proceed like this until I stand free from the interpreting another's response from the starting point of "a potential rejection". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the feeling of rejection comes first and then I try to mentally reason in my backchat why this feeling of rejection is accurate and why there can be no doubt that the other is intending to reject me with this actions and/or non-action. 

I commit myself to slow myself down and stop the feeling as it comes up and go deeper in my self-forgiveness so that I can understand the trigger points that have automated the rejection response. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to suffer when I believe that another rejects me, I see, realise and understand that this split of myself within myself where I am separated into pieces where part of me is looking to be accepted by others in the world, and the other parts within me want to be whole. 

When and as I am at the stage of suffering because I have separated myself from the world and from others, i stop and breathe, I accept that this is a mind technology that I have come to believe and I stop. I simply stop believing that i can ever be separate from anything and see, realise and understand that separation occurs in the mind only, and that through the focus on my mind, I am actually bringing about separatist actions in the world. 

I commit myself to stop all emotional suffering and to stop the habit of suffering because I see, realise and understand that suffering is a place of comfort which I have known from my childhood - so I commit myself to let go of my childhood once and for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this split, neglect myself based on a memory that I hold onto where I identify myself with my childhood, and where I believe that I am more comfortable suffering because that is what I know from childhood, than stopping to identify myself with the "feeling of rejection" which is what I use to instantiate my suffering.

When and as I am seeking to identify myself with my childhood, I stop and breathe, I am here and I remain here, I see realise and understand that identity is a construct, it is not real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a personality where sympathise with the underdog, with those who suffer in the world, because I believe that I suffer emotionally and that I know what it is like, but not allowing myself to see in this context that I am responsible for my suffering just as all are responsible for the world of suffering that we have created collectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to constitute a self that is unwavering, stable at all times, gentle breathing, seeing, realising and understanding 'equalness' with all that is here. 

I commit myself to stop the chaotic and emotional ways that I accept in my life as me, and step by step, implement ways to bring stability in my life beyond what I have managed to stabilise within and without at this point in time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself in self-interest where I become blind to the solution of situations in my world because I have trapped myself in emotion so that I divert myself in suffering and remain stagnate within myself because I have not yet, in absolute terms, let go of my self-identification. 

I commit myself to release with all my being of the self-identification that I carry around within me, and within this post I give myself permission to release with all my being the habit of feeling comfort in emotional suffering. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to how i have identified myself from my experience and memories of my childhood, and the belief that there is more value in suffering than completely letting go of suffering and recreating myself anew. 

I commit myself to instead of going into a state of suffering, I immediately find a solution for the situation, which here in relation to the prof. would be that I move on and look for other people to join my team and I clearly communicate to the prof. my intentions in consideration of the kind of relationship I have with him.  
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