Saturday, June 21, 2014

Day 541 - The Backchat Conversation

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Recently I had a backchat conversation with someone. It's been a while since I have indulged in these types of conversations and I was surprised that I allowed myself to do so. The situation was such that my conversation partner opened the door by making a few statements that I could relate to from my own experience and this prompted me to give myself permission to encourage the conversation on the same trajectory. After the conversation was done and dusted, I experienced regret and more backchat about having 'let myself go'. A few days later, I noticed that it was becoming easier for me to now allow myself to comment on backchats of other people at work where I would have generally remained in silence. The initial allowance I gave to the backchat conversation was now spreading into other areas of my life and so I can see how my mind is in the process of opening the door further. So, till here and no further. I stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for voicing my backchat in the conversation with another because I still believe that my backchat is justified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity when another engages with me in a backchat conversation, to encourage the backchat even further by giving my input which is also based on backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been dishonest and insincere about my process when I allow myself to accumulate backchat that I voice at the next best occasion, to make use of my backchat to blame, complain and defend myself about a memory. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I was fully aware of what I was doing when I engaged in the backchat conversation, which was making me feel uncomfortable inside, and yet I continued and did not stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have talked about others' actions in judgement, blamed others for my experience, and have given in to my mind because I saw it as a safe opportunity to voice myself as the other person was sharing a similar experience to mine. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still give in to temptations that appear in my world, to focus on the external and personal affairs of others, which I store in my memory, instead of solely placing the focus on my own process, and so I allow myself to compromise myself out of convenience.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have revoked my process of change, because I fell when I engaged in the backchat conversation.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the various scenarios how I could have handled the situation and experience regret about the missed opportunity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I did not change in the moment when I could have stopped the backchat conversation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my conversation partner would have been disappointed if I had stopped the conversation from evolving further in backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other person’s emotions would have augmented, as the person was already in an emotional state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a pleasant enagement and not face conflict with another, which motivated me to continue with the backchat conversation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a thought as the conversation was evolving that it was alright for me to indulge in backchat with my conversation partner, because I wanted to relieve myself from the injustices that I believe where done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimised myself within the backchat conversation because my starting point was to commiserate with my conversation partner about similar experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing something if I do not know what other people have experienced within the same circumstances, because I like to compare my experiences with the justification that I can learn from it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have misguided my curiosity to operate on a personal level, where I allow my curiosity to drift with my mind instead of directing myself to use curiosity as a tool to investigate the greater issues of the system.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts where I tell myself that some gossip is OK because otherwise I have nothing to talk about with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the moment where I make a decision to ‘let myself go’ and indulge in a conversation of backchat, whereby I deny myself to choose life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for their backchat and gossip and do not stop my own. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for 1) releasing accumulated energy through more private writing, 2) change the trajectory of the conversation and 3) the regret of having missed my opportunity to stand up again after the situation by immediately writing myself out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen already where this situation gave me further permission to continue opening myself up for a backchat conversation in another context. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other’s would think or do if I were to stop indulging in backchat conversation, because I believe that if I were to do that I would risk loss as consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss if I were to stop engaging in backchat conversations.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting another perspective of a given situation if I were to stop backchat conversations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in my relations when I don’t have another source of information about another's experiences with the same relations, which gives me a new angle from which I can make decisions

Commitments:

I commit myself to stop myself engaging in backchats by placing more focus and effort on my private writing on the topic(s) where I tend to accumulate backchat. 

I commit myself to revise my starting point and do not allow myself to engage in conversations where I voice my backchat. 

I commit myself to risk everything to stop myself from the temptation to engage in backchat. 

I commit myself to stop listening to all and any excuses why it is alright for me to let myself engage in backchat. 

I commit myself to learn the difference between backchat and 'relating a story' without spite, blame, and defensiveness.  

I commit myself to make no exceptions for no-one and nothing when it comes to allowing myself to voice my backchat. 

I commit myself to write myself out so that I learn to release backchat completely through writing and not keep 'some' inside of me which I unleash at the next best occasion. 

I commit myself to learn to gently tell others who want to engage in backchat that I do not want to go there. 


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Day 540 - "I have to make a decision" - The desire for a solution - final part

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This is the last instalment in this series. 

Physical dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my physical body in nervous energy when I am about to make an important decision, where I experience this subtle shakiness inside of myself, that reverberates day in and out until the decisions is made. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create so many emotions in the course of making an important decision that I cannot sleep at night, and become obsessed with finding the best possible solution from the starting point of a mentally weighing the consequences. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body in the course of making a decision because I allow my body to suffer through the emotional charges that I generate. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the moment or time when I have to make a decision to reactivate my fear of conflict, fear of loss, and the program of weighing the pros and cons because I do not want to take responsibility for my decision, and by allowing these programs to activate I generate emotions that compound in my body. 


Commitments:

I commit myself to make it my first priority when I am in situation where I have to make an important decision that affects many people, to put in the time and effort to write myself out so that I take the emotions out of the decision-making process. 

I commit myself to risk the time and effort to stick with this priority no matter how dire the situation seems to be and how pressed I am to make choices. 

I commit myself to organise myself to systematically address all 7 dimension in my private blog until I am empty, calm, and able to see the details of the situation and circumstances, and can lay out in detail how the consequences for my solutions/decisions/choices would evolve. 

I commit myself that I will not accept my mental excuses that want to dissuade me from writing and taking myself to unfold this process step by step until I am ready to make a decision. 

I commit myself to practise this approach until I can do it in the moment. 

I commit myself to further investigate new frontiers in the programs having to do with fear of loss, fear of conflict and fear of responsibility. 
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Friday, June 20, 2014

Day 539 - "I have to make a decision" - The desire for a solution pt3

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Here I continue from the previous posts:

Day 537 "I have to make a decision" - The desire for a solution pt1
Day 538 "I have to make a decision" - The desire for a solution pt2

Backchat and Reaction Dimensions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge individual contributions by the people who are in my team from the point of the person's personality which I use to formulate backchat within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions about the contributor’s intentions and use this assumptions to motivate my backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret contributions that are made by the people I am working with, and within this interpretation lose myself in backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety, frustration and anger about having to make a decision that clearly affects members of the team because I fear their resentment for my judgement even though I stand by my decision as being best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the reaction of anxiety, frustration and anger to prevent myself from gaining an overview of the situation where I can see all its details because when I am reacting in anxiety and fear my view is fragmented, and black and white.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the reaction of anxiety, frustration and anger to trap myself in the prison I create from my emotions and do not genuinely want to step out of this prison because I allow for backchat to continue, instead taking the responsibility for the decision to stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken decision-making as being an external matter when making any decision starts with the internal world, whether the decision is genuinely about who I am and thorough to achieve that which is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver in making decisions and living the decisions that concern my own mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself so that I can allow excuses why I should reverse decisions I have made for myself or why I can make exceptions. 



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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Day 538 "I have to make a decision" - The desire for a solution pt2

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Here I continue from my previous post

Thought dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts that I must come out of the situation in the best possible way and by allowing this thought I give myself permission to focus on my advantage and how I can best manipulate the elements of the situation so that they are in my favor. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts that are spiteful towards the person/entity I have identified as being the source of the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I must make a decision fast or else the situation can no longer be remedied. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that my decision will accumulate in people’s wrath and that if I make a decision that is unfavorable to them, it will disadvantage me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I judge some people who share the situation as positive and others as negative not realising that it’s not about the people but about their minds and that I do not have to personalise the situation. 

Imagination dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an immediate connection with my imagination when I have to make a decision in a problematic situation where I imagine how any decision I make will bring about the worst case scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated my imagination in situations where I have to make a hard decision with the belief that whatever I do will come back to me, and thus I use my imagination to re-iterate the mindset of punishment as I remember it from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I am being exiled from the group of people that shares the situation with me if I make the wrong decision. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that if I make the right decision then everything will be fine and will work out as I imagine it to be.
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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Day 537 "I have to make a decision" - The desire for a solution pt1

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Recently I was in a situation where I noticed that when pressed to make a decision to solve a problem I had the tendency to focus on the problem and myself within the problem, not considering others who are part of the problem and the solution. 

Once I noticed this point, I was able to slow myself down and correct it. However, when I did a recap of major problem stages in my life and how I dealt with these, I became aware that in previous situations, I made decisions from an emotional state not understanding the nature of the situation in its detail and acting from an incomplete picture of how all the elements of the situation come together. So basically making decisions from assumptions that I mistook as real circumstances.

The blockage that I experienced through the emotional charge made it impossible for me to see how my decisions affected others. To a large extend I saw others as part of the problem. In other words, I was limited in seeing the true nature of the problem and all its elements because I took it personal and projected the problem on the individuals who shared the situation with me. This is how I reasoned myself through the decision and justified my stance closing myself to understanding how my behaviour and decisions affect those who are part of the situation. As a result I often could not figure out how I created the consequences that I did. 

This realisation came into my awareness in a recent situation where I actually made the decision without an emotional charge and by taking others into account. The result was the consequences played out as I had directed the situation so there was no unexpected surprise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to have a say in how I look at a situation I am involved in and thus create an exclusive viewpoint which disables me to see other parts of the situation that are critical in making a decision that is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept to use fear to create a limited viewpoint of the situation from which I weigh the pro and cons, in how to best approach decision, while I ignore the fact that others will be affected by my decision. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that through fear I make decisions with consequences that provoke others into emotional states because I did not consider their level of involvement in the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up emotions involved in the act of making a decision to solve a problem because I have identified with being a victim of the situation where I cannot be responsible for others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing in other people’s shoes when making a decision to act in solving a problem situation because I fear losing my self-identification, respectively my ego. 
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Day 536 - Commuting made easy

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This is a follow up post on the passed two entries days 534 and 535.

Since I last posted, I have applied myself in my daily commute to work in relation to driving and the creation of energy charges as adrenalin rushes through the thoughts I allow in my mind. I will now describe a few points that I have realised and learned to implement.

1. The adrenalin build-up has a starting point which if I allow it will gradually create the final rush state which I experience by the time I arrive at my destination. Previously, when I left my house to drive to work, I find myself impatient to get out of the city and this created the starting point where I set myself up for the rush. Since I started to work with this point I have managed to stay relaxed during the trajectory that leads out of the city, and I have accepted that some days it goes faster and others it goes slower, and that I cannot change this. Once I am on the freeway, I can drive without the adrenalin.

2. I am in the process of stopping all resistances towards the commute: If and when I have resistances come up towards my commute in form of beliefs, desires, and justifications, such as: it's a waste of time, or I don't feel like sitting in the car, it's is a boring activity, I rather be doing something else; I stop myself and bring myself here, I commit myself to invest time in preparing my trip, so that that the quality of the time I spend driving is equal to the time I spend on other activities that are my preference. 

3. I saw clearly the polarisation that I live in terms of preparedness and organisation where on the one hand I am well-organised and prepared and on the other I leave things up to chance. Travelling by car is where I allow myself to leave things up in the air as I do not prepare myself fully when I drive towards a new destination or a place where I do not know the trajectory. So, here, I commit myself to stop the polarisation and become organised and prepared so that travelling by car is an equal activity to those I conduct with preparedness and organisation.

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