Saturday, March 8, 2014

Day 525 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt8

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photo by http://www.klaralux.com



Self commitment statements on Day 517

I commit myself to stop the automated mechanism to hide my weakness from others because I fear that I will be humiliated. When and as I am in a situation where I am required to display my skills and I do not feel comfortable with my own level of skill, I stop and breathe, I stop all memories that come up from my childhood and do not justify my skill, I engage at whatever level I can and BREATHE.

I commit myself to let go of the memory of my father taking pictures of me in compromising situation, where I felt humiliated and degraded and see, realise and understand that he was doing what was done to him but that i am in the position to stop myself from perpetuating this sort of abusive behaviour in my own life

I commit myself to stop all self-manipulation in particular the point of believing that I am a fraud. I realise that I use this belief to keep myself trapped in the fear of exposure and to limit myself in many different areas of my life. 

I commit to stop blaming my father for how I have programmed myself through the memories I have within the relationship with him. I realise that this is entirely my responsibility, to let go of the memory and start living in the presence. 

I commit myself to understand that trust starts with self-trust and not with trusting an external source. I realise that i have used the idea of trust within the context of seeking approval and being accepted, but I see, realise and understand within that that I have used the events that occurred with my parents as self-indentification instead of realising that these events are not who I am.

I commit myself to stop all fear of betrayal by no longer requiring for the world to accept me but instead I accept myself as is. 
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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Day 524 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt7

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HUMILIATING ANIMALS IS NOT OK
stop the behaviour - Desteni.org



This is a continuation of my previous posts in this series:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4

Day 522 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt5


Day 523 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt6



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself in fear of exposure and fear of betrayal by having compensated with the confidence and courage characters. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself in fear of exposure and fear of betrayal by having compensated with self-righteous attitudes. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself in fear of exposure and fear of betrayal by having developed the stubborn character, where I don’t allow myself to see a situation from any other perspective except for the one that serves to trap myself in these fears. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed myself in fear of exposure and fear of betrayal because I do not want to appear weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into contracting reactions in my body, where my muscles contract as if they are going into spasms, when I am in a situation where i fear being exposed for what I am trying to hide. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situations with others where I fear that I am being exposed for what I am trying to hide by holding my breath, as if I want to punish myself for the potential of being discovered. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in situation with others where I fear exposure in my interactions with others, where my heart starts to race and adrenaline rushes into my body because in that moment my mind requires energy to quickly analyse how I can hide most effectively. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to the energy production within the fear of exposure and the fear of betrayal so that I experience a sense of relief when the situation is over and I managed to not have been discovered or when I managed to make choices where I could not be betrayed. 




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Sunday, March 2, 2014

Day 523 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt6

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This is a continuation of my previous posts in this series:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4

Day 522 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt5


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my father for his behaviour of humiliating me by taking pictures of me as a child in compromising situations even when I realised that he was humiliated in his childhood and even when I understood that he has made decisions in relation to our family that were influenced by his fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have ‘downloaded’ and modelled myself on my father who has a lot of fear of experiencing shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father as weak and passive because his fear of shame has paralysed him to take action where action is necessary and through this negative judgement of my father I experience myself as superior to him. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father as weak and passive because his fear of shame made him accept and allow abuse in relation to situations in and outside the family. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that my father's fear of shame was the reason why he sited with the children who where looking for a scapegoat of a broken window, where I stood alone telling the truth and my parents did not believe me but believed the children. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have anger come up inside of me about the memory of the broken window and my parents' betrayal even though I just had the realisation of what motivated their behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that my father’s intense morality behaviour has to do with his fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced situations where I allowed abuse because I was hiding behind the fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that shame is more than me and that I must avoid causing shame for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of experiencing shame in my body, a contracting feeling all over my body where I ‘just want to sink into the ground and disappear’ because see no value in myself in that moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my fear of shame with the personality trait of courage because this allowed me to move myself instead of remaining stuck in shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that I have created a relationship between shame and pride, where I have compensated my fear of shame with pride so that I can hide from exposing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions based on my self-definition, in relation to pride, where maintaining a picture of who I believe I am was the main consideration in my decision.


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