Saturday, March 1, 2014

Day 522 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt5

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I continue from my previous posts:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my backchat in the first place, specifically about my perceived short comings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prominently feature backchat about “what I am not” or what “I can’t do” and thus not realising that this type of backchat is how I create walls to my actions and performance in the world and more over where I believe that I have to hide behind the walls because I fear having to let go of my beliefs/ego and exist in the world without (negative) self-definitions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to compare myself in my backchat to the picture I have of myself, in what I should be, the skills I should have, and then judge myself from this starting point as inadequate so that I consequently then devise ways to hide my perceived inadequacy from the world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated the hiding behaviours based on beliefs of inadequacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down when I am in a situation where I act from automated hiding behaviours so that I can clearly see my thoughts that trigger this behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a moment of panic when I realise that I might be discovered, where I have energy surges go through my body because I have programmed myself with fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of shame that I experienced when my father took pictures of me in situation where my parents had punished me and in situations that are considered private. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the judgement of my parents about me as me and have caused myself to feel shame and inferiority for this acceptance.
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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4

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This is a continuation of my previous posts in this series:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall in detail the scene when my mother investigated her body in front of the mirror, where I experienced myself uneasy and not understanding what was going on but thought that this is what I have to be/do - as a woman- when I am grown up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my body as if it is a project-in-progress and until the progress is achieved, it's imperfect and I better not expose it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the words of my mother "to never tell anyone what is going on in our 4 walls" to create a fear of exposing myself to others in relation to what I consider imperfections about myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of exposure where I compromise myself about my perceived lack/inadequacy on the one hand, and about abuse that I encounter on the other. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised how far this fear of exposure has penetrated my life and that there are multiple strands of memories attached to it, and that I have hidden these connections from myself because I have written self-forgiveness on these memories yet did not want to see the way they link up so that I keep myself trapped in fear of exposure/betrayal and in lack of self-trust.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate what I can expose about myself and thus I allow myself to exist in separation within myself, where I have separated myself from the world into my secret mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that the trinity of inferiority/rejection/recognition also encompasses the duality of betrayal- fear of exposure and fear of distrust - because within the construct of recognition I want others to trust me but I fear betrayal because I see myself as inferior. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that the point of hiding myself from others in fear of exposure produces unlimited acceptances and allowances within me and in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to figure out how I can hide my perceived inadequacy so that I remain credible on the surface. 

[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3

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Here I continue my series from these previous posts:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself every time that I am asked to bring in my skills as contribution into a project where I panic that I don’t have enough skills to be successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself every time that I am asked to bring in my skills as contribution into a project because I believe that I am a fraud and that I don’t have the skills for the project. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself every time that I am asked to bring in my skills as contribution into a project where I believe that I will fail because I believe that I am a fraud and this will shatter people’s expectation and reveal the truth about me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear of failure because I fear that I won’t fulfill other’s expectation of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase “you can never have enough skills” to have programmed myself with the fear that my skill set in my professional life is not adequate enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where my father is taking an object out of my hand as I am about to investigate it, to see how it works, therefore interrupting my process of investigation with the words: “that’s not how you do it”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the thought of my father telling me “that’s not how you do it” as I am as a child investigating the objects in my world and being short changed of this experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate "insecurity", "inadequacy" and "pressure" with the memory of my father taking things out of my hand with the words “that’s not how you do it” and therefore creating separation through the memory of my father taking things out of my hand with the words “that’s not how you do it” and the words insecurity, inadequacy and pressure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all my past achievements are accomplished through some lucky circumstances and believe further that under ‘normal’ circumstances I would have not accomplished what I did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people compliment me on my work that they are lying and so I look to understand what potentially motivates them to compliment me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this fear of being a fraud come up when it’s about my own contribution where I believe everyone is looking at me in expectation but at the same time when I am asked to help others with doing the same work in a supportive role, there is no fear of being a fraud which indicates the very program I have accepted as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memory of my mother negatively evaluating her body in front of her mirror and me standing close by, thinking/saying that I could not relate to her exaggerated evaluation.
[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I am exposed I am rejected by others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when I have nothing to hide anymore, because then I can no longer maintain the distrustful character and I can no longer resent my father for having taken pictures of me in compromising situations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be if I could no longer be humiliated because I have stopped holding on to the memory of my father taking pictures of me in compromising situations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have to repeat  situations of humiliation as I experienced them with my father because I experienced myself as inferior. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that inferiority and fear of exposure are related to each other because the fear can only exist within me when I believe that I am inferior to others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use comparison to create inferiority about myself and use this inferiority to maintain my fear of exposure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear inferiority and thus pretend to be someone else because I want to be perceived as more than what I believe that I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compared myself to children which received a positive evaluation by my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my belief of being a fraud is related to my skills.
[Continue reading...]

Day 518 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt6

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This is the last post in this series:


Day 512 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt1



Day 516 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt5


I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I must make adjustments in the way I interact with others in the work place, where I cannot expect them to approach their life from the starting point of process and so I see this as an opportunity to walk in breath and be aware of my behaviour with others. 

I commit myself to stop myself from having an aversion to the roles that I have to play at work where I believe that I have to be someone else when I am actually always in character anyway, and where I have believed my resistances to acting in these roles as being really me. 

I commit myself that thwart all tendencies towards morality and system-honesty and immediately retreat to writing myself when any of this comes up within me. 

I commit myself to let go of my interactions with my colleague’s so that when I interact in a future setting I am able to interact from the starting point of what is here and not from some past even that I have held on in memory

I commit myself to place my starting point with my interactions with my colleagues deliberately into my awareness so that I can start from breath. 

I commit myself to stop projecting how my colleagues will react and interact with me and specifically with “F” after our last episode - I stop all expectationimagination, and take each interaction from the starting point of breath. 

I commit myself to take responsibility and clear myself after each interaction with a colleague when and as I should have thought come up. 

I commit myself to stop all regret and push myself to change in the moment when I interact with my colleagues, especially “F”. 

I commit myself to take responsibility for my backchat and stop believing that backchat will go away but instead I apply myself through writing and speaking self-forgiveness.
[Continue reading...]
 
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