Saturday, February 22, 2014

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1


I had a point open up - thus here is an interlude to my current series. 

I live in a country where two major EU languages are spoken as well as a derived language from one of the two EU languages. Most inhabitants speak all three languages but prefer their derived language because that is the local language. Foreigners like myself don't always speak the local language but mostly the other two languages or at least one of them - so much for background here.

I was queuing, waiting to be served. A woman in front of me was ordering a lot of goods, and it took a long time for her to get through her order. She also specified exactly what she wanted and not accepting everything that was offered to her. A conversation between the server and her emerged. She was speaking in a language that I don’t speak fluently but it is related to my native tongue and so I got the gist of what the conversation was about. 

During the scene, she turned to me and said something, she made a comment about the server, but not in a negative way, rather from the stand of “we customers have to speak up”. I smiled and nodded even though I did not get the details of what she was saying. 

In this moment, I had a fear come up inside of me, where I feared that if she’s still around, standing next to me packing up her goods, when it’s my turn to give my orders to the server, and if I don’t speak in the same language as she was speaking to the server she might/will know that I did not understand her comments and then “I am discovered”. 
That was my realisation. The fear of being discovered, the fear of being a fraud. 

The flipside of this point, which I now realise, is my issue with betrayal - and in fact I have been struggling to redefine this word. It was through my reflection on the word at a later point, that suddenly all of this made sense. So, a part of this construct is the ‘distrustful’ character which I am aware of, and which keeps me from trusting myself. Until now though, I have not found the deeper issue that is at stake here. 

So, one the one hand I fear being discovered as a fraud and on the other, I assume everyone else is a fraud as well, and thus I cannot trust them, nor can I trust myself. Bingo. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am a fraud because I fear that if I don’t hold up to the expectations of others that they will discover me and humiliate me. 

I forgive myself that I have a memory of my father taking pictures of me in situations where I am compromised; in situations of failure and situations of intimate physical moments.

I forgive myself that i have used the program that I created as a response to my father taking pictures of me in these situations, to hide myself from others and create fear and anxiety of being discovered. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fraud is real and that I am a fraud. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden myself away because I was embarrassed as a child when my father humiliated me by taking pictures in compromising situations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is who he seems and that this belief is the reason why I distrust others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust others because i trusted my father and he betrayed my trust by exposing my privacy in pictures. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for the programs of experiencing myself as a fraud and for fearing betrayal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear betrayal and so I hold back when interacting with others because in this way I believe that I am safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself on the basis of my father's actions with the fear of exposure in front of others. 
[Continue reading...]

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Day 516 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt5


So today I had some email exchanges with "F" and they went alright. I was able to move through my apprehension and also stopped myself from writing her a "I am so sorry" email. A few years I would have apologised but now I realise that that was because of my insecurities back then. In our meeting it was clear that we both were "feeding the fire" and so an apology would have been a clear sign of inferiority. It is really helpful to not be trapped by emotions and thoughts and to be able to make a clear decision about a situation. Though, there are really two decisions here, the first one is to accept that whatever consequences transpire from my behaviour and interaction during the meeting then I am ready to face them. Worst case scenario in this example would have been "F" telling me our potential as partners is no longer there. Was I ready to face that - yes. 

The second decision was then to stop myself from doing anything automatically now, to try to make up in hindsight, to try to fix the situation, instead I breathed through the thoughts of wanting to fix things and stepped through the time line first when deciding how to continue interacting with "F".  Stepping through the time line means I projected the consequences of "what if I say/do etc"-  I continued to interact with "F" in a 'normal' manner, and so did "F" - at least by email. 

commit myself to interact with "F" in future meetings from a starting point of what is best for all, which means on my end I stop judging "F" for "F's" religious beliefs that govern "F's" life, and will use patience and breathing to propose concrete practical solutions so that "F" can see, if "F" chooses to do so, that fear is not necessary and that solutions are there to be used. 

I commit myself to keep investigating the point of inferiority/superiority because I see that the types of judgements i pass when I see how a (relgious) belief limits a person, indicate to me that I am existing within the polarity of superiority in that moment but equally exist in the polarity of inferiority in other moments - and I wont' stop until I can stand equal to a person with or without religious beliefs. 

I commit myself to stop all fears of religion because religious belief is like any other belief it must be stopped and thus religious belief is a category of belief.

I commit myself to take responsibility because I realise that just knowing that god is dead, does not make me a responsible person because I realise that there are still many situations where I act from the behaviour of wanting someone 'higher' to take care of me, to do it for me - so that I can fall back into the role of the helpless character.

I commit myself to stop passing by opportunities where I can stand up and speak self-forgiveness in the moment as with this situation where I realised in the moment what was going on with me but I chose not to cease the opportunity to walk out of the behaviour.
[Continue reading...]

Day 515 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt4


This self-forgiveness follows from Day 512

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that "F" will now be hostile towards me because of my reaction to "F" in our last meeting and that this hostility will come out in our next meeting and have an impact on the project. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my response to "F" in our last meeting will have consequences that affect my participation in the proposal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my reaction because I realise that I am responsible for having allowed the building up of dishonesty and have not immediately taken steps to clear myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because I have had a reaction in front of "F" because I took 'F's' insisting words as provocation instead of taking a deep breath and stopping myself and letting it go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the time to clear myself before the meeting even though I am intending to give this proposal-partnership the best starting point for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not implement my intention to give this project the best starting point because i allowed myself to believe that the judgement in my mind was minor and fleeting and thus would not have any impact on my reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have evaluated a thought using my mind and have made an decision on the basis of my evaluation which I realise is a form of self-sabotage. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in self-disappointment because I failed a great opportunity for self-change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed and limited myself in my situation with "F" by not making a decision in the moment to stand up within myself and stop my backchat but instead gave in to my automated mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mind to diminish myself when I don't make use of situations as with the meeting with "F" where my buttons were pushed in relation to someone's religious perception, and where I deny myself to step out of my memory about these types of perceptions which were shown to me by my parents and relatives and which create abuse and limitation in my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that backchat festers and will always come up and out at some later point in time unless I take responsibility for it.

[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Day 514 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt3


In this post, I continue with 
self-forgiveness outlined on day 512.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i must make adjustments in the way I interact with others in professional situations because I cannot allow backchat or emotions to interfere as this will jeopardise my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate myself when I have an aversion to a specific role that I am required to play because I realise the necessity for that role yet, I refrain from engaging with it because I allow my resistances to guide me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I have to follow "system honesty" because otherwise the program of "morality" comes up inside of me where I realise that I still tend to evaluate myself from a place of morality instead of realising that these are all memory-based evaluations by which I have trapped myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to communicate as who I am when who I am is a bunch of programs which I allow to sabotage in my interactions with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I allow my experience with "F" to influence me in how I 'think' about "F" and therefore set myself up for a sabotaging manoeuvre in my future interactions with "F" because I am instructing myself with these thoughts to act from memory and not from awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replay my last interaction with "F" in my mind and experience anger and backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with "F" from the starting point of my mind and not from awareness because I realise my starting point dictates my acceptances and allowances and automates my behaviour. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, February 17, 2014

Day 513 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt2


In this post, I write the self-forgiveness from the outline written on Day 512.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowedmyself to fear my colleague's Roman Catholic beliefs could interfere with the project development and thus I placed myself in a superior situation where I could judge my colleague's belief. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use superiority because I believe that I have a better handle on how we are brainwashed than someone else who is a devout Roman Catholic follower. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, not realising that it even says in the bible "Judge not, lest you be judged” and that this is not any different in what I found in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish others in my mind who have religious beliefs because I fear the power that religion has over humanity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's so obvious that god is dead - (ANU is no longer active as god) yet, I am unable to assume self-responsiblity in every way but instead want someone higher, better, and almighty to take care of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have more access to the workings of reality because I am part of the Desteni group and thus I can allow myself to judge others who are not privy to this kind of information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed backchat to fester inside of me instead of ceasing the moment and speaking self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have had backchat about my colleague because I did not know how to address her comment in the best possible manner. 
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Day 512 - 'Mindjacked' backchat in the work place pt1


In my job I am working on assembling, conceiving, and constructing a research proposal. It’s a volatile situation. The way it works is that there is a ‘call’ by an organisation giving money towards a research project which has to be put together by multiple partners - the minimum for this call is 3 partners, from 3 different EU countries. The general path is that the project starts of with one partner, a university or institution, where someone has an idea, or existing research from a previous project, or a product, and who is now looking for others to join in, and to evolve the idea so that a proposal for it can be written and submitted. This is done by networking - networking is the key here. Researchers all over the world are constantly looking to network with other researchers because it is one way to ensure their survival in the research world if they do not have a tenured position, but even then, there are other reasons to establish and maintain a research network. The public, or those outside of academia do not realise that there is this race or competition underpinning this type of work environment, so that one has to be sure one has enough to ‘offer’ as a potential network connection. And this is the premise from which much research all over the world is conducted. 
I am in the process of becoming a partner, in fact I am putting forward multiple avenues to increase my chances of landing a proposal in the first place, let alone ‘winning’ a call and getting the project. 

Once one is a partner in a potential project, there is of course no guarantee that one stays a partner. The one who instigates the idea or the project, or the one who has most invested in the potential project is throughout the construction of the partnerships looking to increase their chances, looking for other partners to join in but also, potentially, better ones than the ones recruited already. In other words, just because someone offers to work with you on a proposal this can change any moment from either side of the partnership. In this kind of environment there is little integrity because the competition for proposals is so high, researchers could be likened to intellectual gladiators where the weapons are the necessary character traits that can cease a situation and turn into one’s benefit. It is the ultimate self-interest position that one could design within the framework of research. From my experience in both worlds, I see it as a parallel world to the world of corporations- it is also one of the reasons why academia can be bought by lobbyists and corporations. 

This prelude is necessary to explain what recently happened, a situation that I am investigating in this post. 

The partner I am working with is the main partner, they have a product and I am recruited to link the product to a service. Of course this means many joint activities that lead to the writing of the proposal together, such as recruiting other partners to fulfil the 3 country requirement, making decisions, and navigating the communication channels. Up until recently it was not clear if the project would go ahead so I paced my efforts in what I was contributing because if suddenly the word comes down and says ‘no’ then my work would have useless and my time spent unwisely.

A few days ago, my counter part ‘F’ at the other institution got the go-ahead from the boss, and so we decided to meet virtually and discuss the way forward. This was the first time we have met online since the last time we spoke in physical reality at a conference. Prior to our virtual meeting, I sent out an agenda with my notes. I should add that a couple of weeks ago, another, experienced partner in the field joined us as well, or is in the process of evaluating whether they want to join. Because this potential new partner has a lot of experience in the field with projects that have already been funded successfully and with subtantial outcomes, I linked my notes to their research by pointing out what they had not done and what we could build upon. Building on other’s research within the same field is in general the approach that gives the ‘added value’ to a future project. 

Since i started process, I am aware that I have become straight forward in many ways, because I am less based on fear and inferiority when I communicate with others. So in my notes for our online meeting which I sent off prior to our meeting, I stated “what XYZ did not do: “ and then listed the points. My communication partner ‘F’, wrote an email back which translates to something like “don’t be so nasty, they might be our potential partners”. 'F's' view of my writing really stunned me because it was literally a bunch of keywords and I had no emotion while writing them. 

One of the points that I also should mention is that ‘F’ had in a previous email to me mentioned that ‘F’ is a Roman Catholic and that is a determinant in ‘F’s’ interactions within the project. If I had been more aware when this email came through, I should have noticed that this was a sign that I have to make adjustments in how I communicate with ‘F’, because I had already noticed that ‘F’ has strong beliefs from which ‘F’ operates. But instead I had chosen to ignore them and also judged them in my backchat. 

What happened next was that I defended myself, I explained to ‘F’ that I had no intention of being nasty, and that I have no stance towards the quality of their research. Moreover, I am not even familiar with that field as I am 'one arm' in the delta of partners flowing into this project, and my personal research does not necessarily converge with the overarching topic of our project. I pointed out that this document that I shared was just for us but when ‘F’ continued to insist on me having to be nicer, I lost my plot and reacted in anger

I now see that I did not react in anger because 'F' insisted on repeating the same statement. I realise that I must work within the context of people like ‘F’ and cannot expect others to understand that I am in the process of stripping myself from the prison of emotions and the accepted consequences of a system that works on manipulation and sabotage, in form of politeness and etiquette. 

In hindsight I realise that the point of reaction stemmed from the backchat I produced within myself when I realised the nature of ‘F’s’ belief system as a Roman Catholic, and that I never cleared myself of the moment when I judged ‘F’ for 'F's' behaviour and statements. 

In the posts to come I will walk this point because I see, realise and understand that it will be pertinent in the future to stop judging my collaborators, regardless of their beliefs. It will be of heightened importance to remain aware within myself, while being able to use the conventions to function within the system - and thus be in this world of research without being of it.
[Continue reading...]

Day 511 - Memories of my mother pt22


Here I continue on my commitment statements from my previous post. 

I commit myself to stop victimising myself through my communication style where I reflect back to me the situation with my mother telling me to shut up because I am a child, when and as I realise that I sabotage my communication with persons in authority positions.

I commit myself to learnt to speak for myself as myself in all situations where I listen to myself speaking, as I speak explaining to myself that which I want to communicate - meaning, I move my focus on how I express myself for myself and stop all externalisation of my awareness when I communicate. 

I commit myself to become patient with myself when I communicate with others, where I apply myself 100% in formulating what I want to say with simplicity, and I slow down regardless how fast others speak or whether I perceive them as getting impatient - and here, I commit myself to remain within my pace of speaking. 

I commit myself to stop judging from an emotional point of view whether I require to give a lengthy explanation to my communication partner, and stop all my backchat, and communicate within the principle “give as you would like to receive”.

When and as I am in a situation (at work) where I can see failure points in projects, and I fear to communicate these in more detail because I have a belief that this is a waste of my time, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that if I don’t take responsibility for the situation by communicating clearly what I see as failure points and merely state that there are failure points which is then a form of backchat, as a consequence I jeopardise the validity of my statements and my resulting actions. I commit myself to apply myself and take the time to compose in writing the failure points of a particular situation, clearly and ‘objectively’. I further commit myself to look at the projects I have/desire from the point of practicality, feasibility and eliminate any emotional attachment - I slow myself down and empty myself of desires of their emotional content, so that I can address the reality as it is here. 
[Continue reading...]
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