I had a point open up - thus here is an interlude to my current series.
I live in a country where two major EU languages are spoken as well as a derived language from one of the two EU languages. Most inhabitants speak all three languages but prefer their derived language because that is the local language. Foreigners like myself don't always speak the local language but mostly the other two languages or at least one of them - so much for background here.
I was queuing, waiting to be served. A woman in front of me was ordering a lot of goods, and it took a long time for her to get through her order. She also specified exactly what she wanted and not accepting everything that was offered to her. A conversation between the server and her emerged. She was speaking in a language that I don’t speak fluently but it is related to my native tongue and so I got the gist of what the conversation was about.
During the scene, she turned to me and said something, she made a comment about the server, but not in a negative way, rather from the stand of “we customers have to speak up”. I smiled and nodded even though I did not get the details of what she was saying.
In this moment, I had a fear come up inside of me, where I feared that if she’s still around, standing next to me packing up her goods, when it’s my turn to give my orders to the server, and if I don’t speak in the same language as she was speaking to the server she might/will know that I did not understand her comments and then “I am discovered”.
That was my realisation. The fear of being discovered, the fear of being a fraud.
The flipside of this point, which I now realise, is my issue with betrayal - and in fact I have been struggling to redefine this word. It was through my reflection on the word at a later point, that suddenly all of this made sense. So, a part of this construct is the ‘distrustful’ character which I am aware of, and which keeps me from trusting myself. Until now though, I have not found the deeper issue that is at stake here.
So, one the one hand I fear being discovered as a fraud and on the other, I assume everyone else is a fraud as well, and thus I cannot trust them, nor can I trust myself. Bingo.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am a fraud because I fear that if I don’t hold up to the expectations of others that they will discover me and humiliate me.
I forgive myself that I have a memory of my father taking pictures of me in situations where I am compromised; in situations of failure and situations of intimate physical moments.
I forgive myself that i have used the program that I created as a response to my father taking pictures of me in these situations, to hide myself from others and create fear and anxiety of being discovered.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fraud is real and that I am a fraud.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden myself away because I was embarrassed as a child when my father humiliated me by taking pictures in compromising situations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one is who he seems and that this belief is the reason why I distrust others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust others because i trusted my father and he betrayed my trust by exposing my privacy in pictures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for the programs of experiencing myself as a fraud and for fearing betrayal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear betrayal and so I hold back when interacting with others because in this way I believe that I am safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself on the basis of my father's actions with the fear of exposure in front of others.