Saturday, February 1, 2014

Day 502 - Memories of my mother pt15

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…and I am continuing from my previous post

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memories of my mother in that I fear that I will never be able to stand free of them because the more I write on this point the more I realise how I have modelled myself on her either in likeness or in opposition. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that real power of self is when I can be in any situation and be totally silent inside of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others have power over me when they talk about me negatively because I have a memory of my mother complaining about me in front of my relatives. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that power is related to when people like me because I recall that I felt powerless when my mother was flanked and supported by a bunch of elderly women in my family and I stood there by myself in a "them against me" scenario. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that some day I will be powerful and have used this imagination to create a feeling of content in my current situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that power is when I have become untouchable when no one and nothing can hurt me anymore whereby I realise that I have taken on this belief from the media, especially cartoons where the powerful are above the law ( of emotion and feelings).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with inferiority to others I believe are more powerful than me because of their professional positions or because of the way they command themselves in relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with envy to someone who I believe is lucky to be in a powerful position because I have a memory of my childhood where I was experiencing envy of kids who had parents that communicated well with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless when I am in situations of communication, for example when speaking/presenting in front of others.
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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Day 501 - Memories of my mother pt14

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With this post I am starting the last leg in the series of memories of my mother, this time in relation to these memories and the idea of 'power'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and hold on to a memory of my mother where I am being told that I am just a child and that I have nothing to say... - so I forgive myself that and having used this memory to program myself with the belief that I am powerless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created situations in my life where I can remain powerless and succumb to an inner struggle just like I have struggled in my childhood within the relationship with my family
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have internalised the struggle to get on top of things where I have created within me a polarisation where on one end of the polarisation are the words of my parents that I use to keep myself in a powerless state, and the other end of the polarisation is my anger and rebellion to not accept the way I have programmed myself - and therefore to remain trapped between these two polarisations. 
I forgive myself that I have covered up the above-mentioned polarisation with various mind-mechanism (self-sabotage and self-manipulation) to keep myself limited and trapped, unable tochange myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my own power against me to mirror the relationship I have had with my parents during the time when I was living in my parent’s house. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerful when I am friendly and kind to others whereby I don’t realise that this manipulation mechanism to get what I want and to avoid conflict situations. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated “powerful” on the system level where I believed that power means to be someone who has knowledge and makes a lot of money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone who is powerful is a master in manipulating others to get what he or she wants. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have admired my peers who are powerful in the system because I considered myself powerless in the system - and because I have equated system level power with personal power. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared my mother’s power over me in terms of her anger and threats because I feared my own emotional response. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared the fear I experienced when my mother was angry with me, where I feared her words and comments about me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken that power meant ‘power over something’ instead of realising that power is in relationship with me: power as me.
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Monday, January 27, 2014

Day 500 - Memories of my mother pt13

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…I continue from my previous post with commitment statements on establishing a relationship in trust with myself


I commit myself to return the relationship with my body to that when I was a very young child in that I had no judgement of my body but have used the memories of my mother in relation to the comments my mother has made about my body to create a mind-relationship with my physical body.

I commit myself to release all memories of my mother that I have used to program myself because as a child I have seen my mother as more experienced and world-savvy, and have used this point to unconditional accept her statements and thus program myself accordingly. I further commit myself to be aware of this mechanism when communicating with others who are younger and who may also approach me as the person with more experience and thus uncritically take my words on board. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that as we get older we have more responsibility towards those who are younger because when interacting with others we also teach our ‘ways’ to them. 

I commit myself to stop the pattern which started with the memory of my mother where I have dismissed my own understanding and view of a situation but instead have given value to my mother’s view and have perpetuated this program up until today where I allow to be influenced in my decision by others. 

I commit myself to release the memory of my father where I have programmed myself to avoid looking back at my decisions - in all dimensions - and continue to investigate myself with more rigor and commitment so that I see, realise and understand every decision I have made in my life.

I commit myself to stop the interaction mechanisms that is rooted in the memory of my mother by slowing myself down when interacting with others so that I can release myself fromexpectations when interacting with others and when those expectations remain unfulfilled I experience myself as uncomfortable. I further commit myself to become aware of the triggers in my communication with others where I launch the experience of feeling uncomfortable.
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Day 499 - Memories of my mother pt12

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In this post I continue on the commitment statements to release all programs related to the lack and fear of self-trust. 

commit myself to see, realise and understand that lack of self-trust is a ‘negative ego program’ that produces energetic reaction patterns similar to positive ego programs and to further see, realise and understand that real self-trust is born from and as the relationship of Self. 

commit myself to release all memories in relation to family life with my parentsas part of the process of creating my own stable environment and stop feeling secure within the program of instability.

I commit myself to release myself and my mother from the memory (of the bunk bed) and by doing so release myself from the prison of resentment

I commit myself to address myself with patience and stop judging myself when I fall momentarily - instead I recognise the progress I have made already and continue on working on this point. 

I commit myself to use the pictures/memories of my mother to release the programs of lack of self-trust and self-value and the need to control and stop bringing up these memories in any other context as I have been doing in the past to reiterate my childhood experiences and to strengthen resentment

I commit myself to walk out of these programs in relations to the memories of my mother until it’s done and take responsibility for having created and solidified a self-imprisonment because I have used resentment to keep these memories ‘alive’ within myself.

I commit myself to become aware of my physical reactions so that I see, realise and understand where I have 'lodged' memories of my mother within my body

I commit myself to stop all beliefs in the thoughts that come when I am investigating the memories of my mother where I tell myself that I don’t know how to move myself out of the memorybecause I realise that that this is my mind with sabotage maneuvers that I have allowed to exist as in this physical reality.  

I commit myself to further investigate the way I dress and the way I relate to my body as part of the memory release of my mother commenting on the way I look. 

I commit myself to stop all thoughts that look at my body from the perspective of being flawed and work on the release of the memories of my mother in relation to my body. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand what it means for me to have used the memories of my mother to program myself in relation to my body,  but at the same time have rebelled against these memories believing that I was immune to them.
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