Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Day 496 - Memories of my mother pt9

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I continue from my last blog with another (private) memory…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a lot of energy into this memory so that I can replay the possessions that I experienced as a young child. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for this memory while I do not realise that I actually resent myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make progress in walking out of these memories and then find ways to trap myself again, and then judge myself for taking one step forward and two back. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother to create the voice of the parent in my head with which I try to control myself, using a similar kind of force as my mother did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother to create self-judgement and by doing so create a freeze frame in which I pass the time of my life, never seeing outside of this frame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been scared of what exists outside of this freeze frame that I cannot see. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a baseline to my interactions with the world based on this memory of my mother where I destabilise my self-trust so that I do not move past the same situations I have created in my life, time and again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change my life but still hold onto to the memory of my mother even though the pictures of the memory have faded already and I am only following the memory as rehearsed script that exists as a memory in my mind - in other words, I follow a memory of a memory so that I can keep circulating the infinity loop of my accepted and allowed limitations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - while i write these statements - have the urge to itch the control points of my structural design which are at the junction of my right elbow. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t know how to move myself out of these memories and use these thoughts as justifications to stop the opening of change that I have created for myself by releasing these memories. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a specific memory of my mother wherein I experience myself as total rejection and failure and experience the authority of my mother as the all-deciding entity over life and death.  


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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Day 495 - Memories of my mother pt8

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Up until now I have written in relation to memories of my mother and self-value in this continuation I will investigate trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of my mother where I experience myself betrayed because she would promise one thing and do another mostly in situations where I was upset or when she did not want to engage with me further and wanted me to be quiet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself based on the memories with my mother to on the one hand distrust others and yet trust others by seeking approval and acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of my mother where I experienced myself in betrayal so that I can re-create situations in my current life that reflect this dynamic. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in first instance I want to trust myself but instead I trust others with me and I am absent for my Self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in others as a form of control because I do not want to take responsibility for myself and if the other does not come through I can experience myself as betrayed and keep my 'betrayal' programme. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can take responsibility for myself and stop projecting my responsibilities onto other people - for example the responsibility to change myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself but instead become emotional about the thing that I believe I cannot trust myself with and look for ways to offload the responsibility that comes with making a decision about the point I do not trust myself with or enlist the support of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I trust myself that I will change so much that my environment will reject me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be if I am self-contained in my own power instead of placing my power outside of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because then my life would be certain and stable and I fear to be bored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that without the lack of self-trust I have one less source for energy and thus I allow my mind to hold on to the program of lack of self-trust. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I avoid stability and certainty because I have memories of growing up in an unstable household. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience security in instability not realising that this security is a habit of a programme. 

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Day 494 - Memories of my mother pt7

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I commit myself to stop the belief that I require to be alone to be in a calm and relaxed state. 

I commit myself to stop all agitation when the value that I belief I give to another is not reciprocated and I stop all perception of loss within these situation and re-centre myself within the relationship of myself. 

I commit myself to stop the desire of wanting to physically separate when I am in situations where I perceive myself as not being valued because I realise that i have created a habit of suppression by removing myself from the scene. 

I commit myself to use my tendency to blame others as signal to look deeper into the situation to determine in self-honesty what part of my ego I do not want to let go off.

I commit myself release all parts of the memory with my mother where I project and enact the dynamic with her in other situations. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I have created not only a habit of reaction in these types of situations but that I also allow for my energy addiction to keep going. 


I commit myself to change myself in relation to this point and stop abusing my body by allowing for energy to resource my flesh.
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