Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Day 563 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt2



I am continuing from my previous post….

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that this fear exists within me, and that I do not even want to go near the thought and look at it but instead have created a wall within myself in total separation from myself, so that I remain in fear and dwell on the energyof fear instead of directing the fear and ending it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to rely on the mercy of others, being completely dependent for my survival on another's judgement whether I am worthy to receive alms so that I can survive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the fear of becoming a bag lady to pity the homeless women I see and to deeply feel sorry for them, which indicates to me that I am content that I am not the one roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a bag lady because above all I fear the shame I would be experiencing if my life were to turn in this direction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to share whatever I have available with other homeless people if I were to become homeless and would have to survive in the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that losing everything and becoming homeless is just something that can happen to me without me having any power to direct the situation prior to losing everything and becoming homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friends would end their friendship with me if I were to become a bag lady - therefore I fear being completely alone in the world and not having a familiar face to talk to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never ever considered the life of a bag lady by putting myself in her shoes without a host of emotional reactions because I have only ever considered such a life from the perspective of pain, sorrow and failure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having to go to a public shelter where I have heard from my friends who are social workers, homeless people are attacked, robbed, injured and assaulted by other homeless people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and being completely helpless and exposed with no place to withdraw and get away to feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having lost everything and wanting to die but not having the courage to actually perform the act of killing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living as a bag lady and never ever having the opportunity to make amends, to reverse the situation and live a "normal" life again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and never ever being able to sleep in a bed again and to use a flushing toilet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the situation where I have lost everything because I would have to find long lost relatives to help me and I would no longer have the means and knowledge of their whereabouts to do so. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and spending my life roaming the streets because I fear the suffering that would await me if this situation were to come true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own disgust of the situation, I would have to face, if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer having goals that I can pursue and no longer having a purpose in my life if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I am not living my preprogrammed life that chances that I can lose everything and roam the streets are higher as if I had stayed within my preprogrammed design. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have completely ignored the fact that a homeless person is just like me, and just like me suffers from the system we have designed and created together. 

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