Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1



In my last buddy chat, I was asked to imagine the worst case scenario I could conjure up for myself. Only towards the end of the chat I was able to actually say what it would be. My answer was: I lose everything and end up roaming the streets. My buddy had asked me several questions prior to this one, how would I handle the situation if I lost my job and so forth… I could see in my answers that I actually no longer default to self-devaluation which was cool feedback on my process. However, the "bag lady" fear seems to have a stronghold on me. Here is what my buddy said:

"….the judgement towards this scenario within myself is the point that creates the fear within self. After you have done the self-forgiveness stand within the shoes of the bag lady. Allow yourself to become the bag lady in your mind. You will find many resistances to this… and once you are able to stand one and equal, then you will know that your self-forgiveness is complete." 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and being left with nothing so that I have to live in the street for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that living without support in anyway, so that I am left roaming the street is the worst thing I can imagine for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the fear to becoming a bag lade control me and use this fear to judge the life style of the bag lady as the worst case scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of the BXL train station where lots and lots of homeless people live and in this memory I am scared of the people because I have an aversion to the smell and the dirty existence that these men and women lead. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear, anxiety, aversion and dirty existence to the memory of the homeless people living in the BXL's train stations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that as a bag lady I could not preserve myself that I would not be able to eat the trash that others leave behind and that I would not be able to overcome the shame and therefore rather die. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if the worst case scenario were true I would not being able to wash my body or wash my clothes and that I have to lie in the street to sleep,  in the cold and wet not having anywhere to go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything that I would have many regrets about the things I did and didn't do in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to live in the streets that I could get attacked by men and that there would be no one to help me or protect me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I might get my hands on by roaming the streets, I have to protect very well because other homeless people might attack me and want what I have found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets so that I can no longer walk my process and write self-forgiveness because I am so consumed by the situation that I have fallen into the depths of anxiety and fear, so that I am unable to stand up again.  




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