Saturday, November 22, 2014

Day 561 - Being thrown into a new environment pt4


The week is over, my work at the commission is completed. Again, the interaction with my ad-hoc colleagues during this intense work week brought out many aspects of my patterns or "characters" that I am still facing in the sense that i am aware of them and still have automated reactions. Some patterns, I have been able to transcend when they came up, but with other patterns I see that my will is not yet strong enough to stop the behaviour. 

In this post I will summarise the commitments (from the self-forgiveness in the previous post) that will put the patterns I still act out into perspective. 

If and when I am in a new environment where I have thoughts that I will be challenged professionally, I will first accept that the challenge is neither negative nor positive and if I lean into either direction then I see, realise and understand that i am existing in energy within the polarity of good/bad so that I release the energy.

I see, realise and understand that I have connected the idea of "challenge" to fear as well as positive excitement. In the case of this event, I recognise that I defaulted to fear because I believe that my skill set is not at the level I would like it to be and that I use desire/ the ego picture of myself to create emotions which obstruct my view of reality. What I have learned from this event was that my skill set was sufficient and that it was not expected of me to have more skill then I do. I commit myself to continue walking out of the thoughts that keep me limited in terms of what I should be, should have, and how I should act, and accept where I am at without self-judgement and self-condemnation. 

I see, realise and understand further that as I judge myself, I also judge and react to others. I therefore commit myself to continue placing my awareness on "judgement" patterns, to be able to release myself from judging myself and others throughout (all) situations that I encounter in my life. 

I see, realise and understand that entering into an unknown situation is a trigger for me where I allow self-judgement and judgement of others, anticipation, shame, as well as ego pictures to “take over”. 

I commit myself to continue looking into the construct that ‘new’ and ‘unknown’ environments present in my programming "makeup" until I understand the relationship between the fear of entering into these situations and the memories I have used to keep this fear going. 

I commit myself further to continue exposing myself to new environments and to challenge my comfort zones so that I can explore myself through my reactions in these environments.

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