Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Day 558 - Being thrown into a new environment pt1




I have recently travelled to a professional gathering where I met people from all over Europe to work together with them for one week. We work side by side from morning to evening. In the evenings I go to my hotel and wake up the next morning to start again.. Most of the people did not know each other and all came from the various parts of Europe. A big mix of people, languages, and cultural habits. 
Part of our job was that we had to reach consensus on particular topics. We work in groups of three, each time rotating the people who are in the group

As everywhere, when people come together cliques form. You see the same people going to lunch together and hanging out during the breaks and when we socialise at night.  Before I came to this gathering, I had some thoughts about the socialisation part. Having to find people to go to lunch with and having to find people to talk to and so forth. I can see that here i was “stuck” in anticipation. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated within myself that the hard part of this job/contract was the socialisation with total strangers and that I experienced an uneasiness about the idea. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that I still believe that I must react to my environment, and therefore want to know everything about a new environment before entering into it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be comfortable in new environments and that I allow and accept worry about this desire not being fulfilled. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to be here within every moment of breath when I enter into an unknown and new environment in which I have to operate. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in my new environment because I do not feel comfortable within myself. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I am being perceived by others when I enter into a new and unknown environment. 

Today is the second day and it has been a bit difficult in the sense that I have noticed that I still have reactions wanting to make sure that I also have a few people to hang out with, and that I do not end up alone. It is not about being alone, but it’s about being part of a group within the group and not being left out. I would actually have no problems of being alone, going alone to lunch and hanging out during the breaks. But since I am part of the group, going alone would make me feel left out. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as a “loner” in the group because I want to be seen as accepted by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care about what people think of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as belonging to others because I believe that if I were seen as not belonging to others I would stand out. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out but to want to fit in. 
I also noticed that I seem to attract some people and repel others, and this causes me to have some anxiety because I do not understand why that is so. I experience a desire to know and to find out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out from the crowd and when I do I don’t want to deal with the consequences of being favoured  by some and not by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to other's people's definition of me when I do not want to be perceived as "different".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to construct 'security' for myself through the perception of others. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that security is who I am in my relationship with self and cannot be "obtained" through others. 

1 comments:

 
Copyright © . Is life possible without the mind? - Posts · Comments
Theme Template by BTDesigner · Powered by Blogger