Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 555 - Shared Office Space pt1




In my previous blogs I talked about the newcomers in my office though in meantime my new office mates are not so new anymore. My colleague who I shared the office before the others arrived has been rather friendly with the three new people. I, on the other hand, have been withdrawn because I have so much work that I a) don't have the time to go to lunch or to take a long break and b) I have been holding the 'silent' working pattern in place because I make it clear through my behaviour that the shared office space stays quiet because with 5 people someone is bound to be talking and the office is not that big.

However, in the past weeks I have noticed a slight but steady shift where the women have been increasing their conversations inside the office instead of going outside. Largely, I see this happening through my colleague  who has peu-à-peu begun to get more involved with the new office mates. When I discussed this point with my buddy, she said: …within their minds they have shifted to a new agreement and you are no longer part of that new established agreement…..and remember these things sometimes happen without actually communicating about it. It is a subconscious shift that happens …. they may not even consciously be aware of the shift. But when asked and asked to communicate about … it will start to unravel and the points will become clearer to everyone again in terms of how each person 'sees' the office space able to be used. The subconscious shifts are boundaries being pushed a little at a time and each time those boundaries shifts are justifiable and as such the point keeps on moving and moving beyond the initial agreement.

The initial agreement was discussed with my colleague first before the newcomers moved in and she was the one who delivered the agreement to the others. I was not present at the time which is a point of having given up my power. It was a matter of convenience for me when she went ahead and briefed the others but in self-honesty I also did not want to face the fact of asking the newcomers to stick to the principle of working quietly. The next step is to take my power back by taking to all of them.

Today I made an arrangement for a shared lunch in two weeks time.

Until then I am going to walk this point and release all energies so that I can take my power back without reactions and also walk through the anxiety of having to speak to all four about the principle of working quietly and ask where everyone is standing so that we can come to a shared agreement that works for all equally.

Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn the office situation, instead of finding a way of directing the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to backchat, mind chatter and memories instead of looking at the situation from the perspective of oneness and equality and directing myself within the situation so that it is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen this opportunity to walk out of my backchat but instead have accumulated energy within me and have allowed myself to linger in backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my office mates because I did not want to stand up and direct the situation because I still give into self-victimisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stay quiet, things will get better. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have assessed the situation in my backchat where I have analysed that my old office mate does not care about a quiet working climate because her contract is almost finished and my new office mates are just starting and thus they are not very busy but that I in contrast have a mega ton of work and am juggling many different projects that I am responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting my work done because I am being interrupted a lot and cannot concentrate and within this fear choose to withdraw myself and work at home. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an aversion within myself to going to my office because I believe that I am a victim of circumstances that the office mates where just dumped into my office. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my office mates are intruders who are invading my world and that i am powerless about their presence and all I can do is endure what is happening. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my office situation because I fear to speak up and direct myself and others in the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I say something it will be taken the wrong way and cause more tension. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am causing tension because I am not speaking up but I am behaving in a way that shows that I am uncomfortable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down and see the situation for what it is but to construct in my imagination a scenario that is based on a mixture of fear, anxiety and resentment and want to act from this starting point to find a solution which is why I want to change offices. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to work because I fear dealing with noise and the presence of the office mates because I have created a ‘deadend’ for myself where I can move out of unless I stand up and speak to the office mates about the situation and find a solution that is best for all.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become reactive because  my environment changed and I believed that I was a victim to these changes without having any influence on these changes because I see myself in separation of my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that i am going to be disturbed/interrupted and challenged by noise when I saw that there were 3 new office mates coming into the office. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have used the thought that there are three new office mates in the office to trigger myself into self-victimisation based on my memory of being ‘interrupted and disturbed’ by noise before and that I have projected this memory onto to the situation and have created the situation for myself.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an imagination in my head where I believe that my office mates are against me and through this belief hold myself hostage in staying quiet and staying the victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that if I do speak up my office mates will attack me and through this belief hold myself hostage in not saying any anything but staying quiet and staying the victim. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have come to the conclusion that running away, looking for another office is the best possible outcome because I have based my conclusion on my imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with energy to the situation and have within that activated all my memories that have a relationship to the concept of being disturbed, invaded, undermined and disadvantaged. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted by manipulating myself into the corner where I wanted to become invisible because I thought that this reaction would protect me from the others in respect to their noise and having to engage with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my reactions as valid and as my reality instead of realising that my reaction is triggered by my memories, thoughts and backchats that I believe to be real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in my body 
where I experience contractions in my chest and my back being hunched over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create nervous energy in my body where I want to repeatedly rub my fingers. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my upper shoulders as holding all the weight of the situation as I am experiencing my shoulders to be crushed in trying to support the energetic burden of the situation. 

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