Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1






We went from a two person office occupying a five person office to being completely staffed with five people, suddenly and unexpected. Meaning, there was no communication or indication by the administration of the faculty that three people would suddenly join our office. Prior to the new situation, my colleague and I had a very good set-up. We both liked a quiet atmosphere to work in, and we had a complimentary rhythm. I could ask her about issues or aspects concerning the university because she had been there for quite a long time and she was well-informed. Things were easy.

Since the new women came to share the office, things have changed. The quiet atmosphere we had is gone. There is suddenly a lot of movement, the door is being opened and closed, it’s noisy and not comfortable anymore. Yesterday I voiced myself about the door being open and closed a lot, making me uncomfortable because I sit in the line of draft  between the window and the door. When I talked to the woman I wasn’t very clear and directive because I “feared” her reaction and she indeed reacted to me. 

Why did I let the anger build up inside of me when I have shown myself in other situations that I can breathe the emotion in and let it go - so why did I not stop myself?
What was a I afraid of that I could not communicate my point straight and with clarity?

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up about the door being opened and closed because I felt I was speaking from reaction and I realised that this would be evident if I were to speak up in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the newcomers opening and closing the door because I feel disturbed in my usual way of working. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience one of the girls as forceful and fear that I will have to battle her to be able to have a stable working environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a belief instead of being here equal and one to the situation of sharing my working environment with others and relating to everyone as an equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as holding on to an energy that is located in my chest area, which I experience as tightness and restriction and where I believe that I am unable to relax and let this energy go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am creating this physical reaction because I fear who I would be if I were to let go of this energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately focus on the movements of the new office colleagues to be able to judge and evaluate their behaviour so that I can feed my backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs around what I require in my environment to work effectively and use these beliefs to limit myself and give me a reason to create anger energy in relation to my new office mates. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others because I deliberately do not want to change myself to stand one and equal to the new situation and the new people in my daily work environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want  others to have access to my world because I believe that with access comes responsibility for me to communicate and to express myself and within that I fear not being able to communicate my needs, and thus others will impose themselves on me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react from a memory of my mother imposing her will upon me and me accepting it because I feared her wrath and her reactions - and so I programmed myself to get away from my mother as the only solution to stay in control of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have modeled my relationships with others on the basis of my interaction with my mother and the anger reactions that I experienced with her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am still reacting to my mother’s anger reactions by allowing and accepting the beliefs and fears I currently live in relation to my new office situation.  


I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless when new people come into my life as I once was powerless when I was a child and interacting with my mother. 

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