Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Day 549 - "Would you be able to help…..?" pt 1




In this post I am deconstructing a pattern which I encountered a few days ago.

I am asked to participate in supporting/helping someone but my schedule is already quite full and I am unable to support the other due to time constraints. My reaction in this situation is that I feel inferior to the situation and to the person asking me for assistance. I feel ‘bad’ because I cannot accommodate another and I have the urge to somehow communicate to them the extend to which I am already booked so that there can be no doubt that I am speaking the truth.

The way I communicate in this situation is with an unstable voice and with timid gestures. The fact that I am uncomfortable comes through in how I place my words where I am evading to give a straight "no" answer.

When I ask myself what is this fear, an old memory comes up again. A memory I have been looking at in self-forgiveness multiple times but obviously have not yet uncovered all the dimensions surrounding this memory. 

So the pattern is that I fear others don’t believe me when I decline helping/supporting because furthermore I have programmed myself to automatically say ‘yes’ when I am asked for help. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the emotional charge of the memory involving my parents and a bunch of children from the street of our neighbourhood where I grew up. The group of children, who used me a scapegoat for a broken window, followed me home to speak to my parents and falsely accused me of having broken the window. Once the children had involved my parents they believed the words of the children instead of my words proclaiming my innocence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made my parents responsible for the emotional charge that I experienced in this moment where I felt cornered by the children and expected my parents to save me from the children by recognising my innocence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a belief within myself where when someone asks me for help, I go into automated behaviour where my default answer is “yes” without further considering the consequences that I am creating for myself and so I compromise myself in order to help the other person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have justified the belief that I have to be available to help another or feel bad about not helping because I fear that when I need help no one is there to help me, and so by having this belief that as long as I help others, I will be helped as well, I calm myself down in my fear that when I need help I am left to my own devices. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the experience of feeling abandoned by my parents to create a fear within myself that if I do not help others at all times I risk being abandoned again. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not believe me and that this will diminish my chances of being liked by another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to a belief that I must accumulate credits in another so that I am liked and so that others will help me when I am in need of help and support. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automatic response when others address me with a question of support, where I use the question to trigger this program, instead of slowing myself down and looking at the request in detail to determine what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a picture where I am standing alone in the rain completely wet, and cold to the bone, alone and abandoned, and so I fear that this picture will become my reality if I don’t respond with ‘yes’ to another’s request for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from everyone else and that I must earn my oneness through my participation and interaction with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that I must earn my keep which I programmed myself with when I was a child where I tried to please my parents in order to avoid their anger and to be accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to have a sense of value when I earn this value through my actions that I perform which makes it possible for others to assess me through my actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that this belief having to earn oneness has compromised me to believe that I am inferior to others and that the path of equality is something I have to prove to others through my actions.

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