In this post I continue from what I summarised on Day 545 - Revenge of the ego @work
c. Dislike of the professor and regret for having addressed him with my idea.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. in terms of disliking him, when I see, realise and understand that what i dislike is that he does not react in ways that I want him to react, where I feel comfortable within my preprogrammed design, and so that I can move forward with the project and I have someone who will take more responsibility regarding the tasks involved, in writing the various parts of the project that I believe are difficult to write.
When and as I see that I have resistance to something I stop right there and within this example I see that I could have cleared myself from the resistance before I went to talk to the prof. because I was aware that I had gone into resistance and thus the situation unfolded as it did.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the prof. because I want someone else to take most responsibility for the writing of the section that I fear to write because I believe that this is unknown territory for me and because it is not my research area I would probably miss obvious connections that are instrumental to producing a successful application.
I see, realise and understand that this project idea requires several areas of expertise and that I cannot embody them all and within that I realise further that I can stand within the idea without fear and continue patiently with my search for other collaborators. I commit myself to use this project as opportunity to step by step walk out of the fears that arise, and move myself gently forward and stop all expectations as to a successful assembly of a consortium for the proposal writing process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the project is indeed a collaborative effort where several expertise come together, and that there is no need for me to develop a fear and thus judge others because they do not respond to me in the way that assures me that they will fill the void regarding the parts of the project I am unfamiliar with.
I commit myself to release all judgements and dislikes and see, realise and understand that what I judged is myself because I, in dishonesty, I did not clear my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret addressing the prof because i feel shame that we did not click and that I did not present myself in a better light - meaning that I see myself as failure in the way I have made contact with him.
When and as I have another thought of shame come up, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that this is my own making that I interpret someone else's behaviour so that I can experience myself in shame.