Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Day 546 - more on ego @work - point a.






In this post I am continuing on my previous topic, and here I am looking at the first point in self-honesty:

a. Fear of my idea being appropriated by a professor who will not give me credit. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my interaction with the prof as negative where I proposed my idea and have used this negativity to further justify my fear that he will use my idea and develop a proposal with others who are already part of his network and are more valuable to him. 

I commit myself to stop my imagination and fears about the prof being dishonest with me, which reflects my own dishonesty and stop my fears about his next step and instead I stay here in breath and do what I would like the other to do by making a list for myself of the types of qualities I would appreciate in a collaboration and at the same time assess the situation with the prof. as it develops in the physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created attachment to the project idea, even though I realise that this is delusional because any idea is available to anyone as all ideas are nothing more than programs that run in our minds.

I commit myself to release and let go of the attachment that I have created towards the project idea, because I realise that I have programmed myself in this way due to memories which I have used to create a lack of self-value, and so I realise that this point of letting go of my attachment is my responsibility, to end this program, so that I can create an acceptable and equal starting point for myself within this situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown personalities of this prof because I believe that there is a potential that he will work towards getting recognition for the project where I stand in the background and will not get rewarded even though the project is my idea. 

I commit myself to stop my imagination in how the interaction with the prof will play out because I realise that I use my interaction to create an energy-scenario on the basis of my fear and interact with him from fear, which I realise is resonantly present and thus will influence and shape my interaction with him. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still operate from the memory of my mother preferring my brother and caring for my brother and giving him more attention than me - because I compared myself to my brother and through this comparison I judged myself as having less value to my parents.

I commit myself to find all the dimension of this memory and release them and to focus establishing value onto myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i need to be in competition with others to get recognition just as I was with my brother when I was a child where I tried to do things that my parents would be proud of so that I would get their recognition. 

When and as I am in the situation where the fear of loss comes up, I stop my thoughts and breathe, I will not allow myself to enter into the thought because I realise that this thought is my own dishonesty to keep me trapped in the ego point of seeking recognition for self-validation. I commit myself to value myself as self, equal and one to the physical existence and stop myself from competing for recognition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be stuck in fear of loss about something that I don’t even have - as with this project- and realise I cannot even create on my own where I need other people to collaborate with me. 

If and when I want to give up on myself and the situation, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to create backchat, instead I stop and breathe and bring myself here. I ‘reset’ my starting point, and push myself to engage - giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in how I relate to another by using the fear of loss and fear of betrayal as mechanisms of self-limitation.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand how I use fear - the fear of others, the fear of loss - and the need and desire to be recognised by others for my value - to limit myself and to also limit my relationships with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the fear as my starting point manipulates my interactions with the prof.

I commit myself to become aware in all ways how I create my outer world at the university. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inside of myself, a sense of ‘holding’ on to what I believe is mine, namely the idea, where I sense this holding on in my body when I speak about the idea with someone I don’t trust where I get a physical reaction of retraction in my body 

When and as I speak about the idea I stop focussing on my external world, I take a breath first to center myself and then talk about the idea to myself, I will not allow myself to use projection in that I respond to the other, in how I perceive the other, but instead I speak for myself as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of myself where I see myself as innovative and creative and therefore I allow my actions to uphold the picture of being innovative and creative which I believe makes me special and ‘valuable’ in the world - not realising that this value is a monetary value that I am pursuing and I identify with, for example, being able to attract research money with my idea. 

I commit myself to stop my ego and any belief that I am innovative and creative and to identify myself with these traits and commit myself further to stop my inferiority and superiority to creativity and innovation and stand as equal to both. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief of being innovative and creative to - in actuality - block my creativity, because I limit the flow of myself expression since it has to first be filtered and approved by my mind as innovative and creative. 

I commit myself to recognise this point of having blocked my creativity, which I am aware of but I have denied myself working through this program because I have not seen it as important and because I have not been living to my utmost potential. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be recognised by the external world for being a creative and innovative person and have used this desire to motivate myself. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand what underpins this desire so that I can stop it and stand equal to creativity and innovation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not yet recognised myself and this is why I desire the recognition of others - because only when others see my value I can see the value of myself.

I commit myself to keep working on the point of self-recognition and stop believing that I have already written much on it and that I should be done with it. I see, realise and understand that there are many dimensions to this point and I stop projecting an ‘end’ to this point because I see that this is the voice of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still operate from the memory of my mother and father not appreciating me the way I would have wanted to be appreciated, and therefore program myself to do things from the starting point and motivation to ‘win’ my parents recognition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used creativity and innovation to create a relationship with the desire for recognition by others and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a dishonesty between creativity and innovation with the desire to receive recognition by others. 

I commit myself to see, realise and understand the dimensions of this relationship in all its detail and release these dimensions so that i can establish an equal and one relationship between innovation and desire with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not know where the thought “he wants to steal my idea” comes from because I do not allow myself to recall the memory that I used to program myself in this way and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use paranoia to situations with negative consequences so that I can keep my paranoia and keep existing in the way I have programmed myself. 

When and as I feel the thought “he wants to steal my idea” creep up from within me, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to get into a paranoia state but instead I realise the true nature of this thought and stop participating. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory from many years ago where I was in a situation where I wanted to collaborate with others on an idea but was paranoid that the person would use my idea to gain notoriety and thus I sabotaged the situation so that I ended up not being able to collaborate at all. 

I commit myself to use the current situation to transform this paranoia and walk out of the fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a physical experience when the thought comes up that the prof can steal my idea where i feel restricted in my chest area and my torso contracts as if I am disappearing inside a black hole. 

I commit myself to stop abusing my body by learning to breathe here in awareness, and focus myself on my breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchat after I talked with the prof because I fear that I cannot trust him, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the behaviour of the prof and use this judgement to respond with distrust. 

I commit myself to stop my self-judgement because I see, realise and understand that as long as self-judgement exists, I also judge others and create backchat that I use to ‘run’ my programs in response. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worst case scenario where I put a lot of work into the project and gain zero benefit from it. 

When and as I perform an action in the world I learn to do it as self-movement without motivation or a thought, such as “what’s in it for me, but instead I do from the point of equality, and by working in this manner I allow and enable myself to satisfy all parts of me instead of compromising myself for my job, to achieve and manifest my belief that I must give more than myself to ensure that I benefit from the work and that I have earned this benefit. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I imagine is a likely scenario and this is why my fear is justified. 

When and as I use reason to convince myself that something that I believe is true, I stop, because I realise that any thought I have is not real, it cannot be real because it stems from my programmed mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to create expectations of betrayal by the prof. when this is part of my own history couched in the memories of my childhood and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the memory instead of looking at things in reality. 

When and as I am creating expectations about my interactions with others at work, I stop and breathe, and investigate the root of these expectations so that I am in the position to see how I have programmed myself and let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the prof. in complete automation because i believe that I did not 'click' with him, thereby not realising that we did not 'click' because I reacted to his words by interpreting them as an alarm signal that I must be careful and not allow myself to trust him.

I commit myself to push myself to the point where I stop all reactions to another's words and actions, and I remain here breathing. When and as I find myself reacting to another's words, I stop and breathe, and immediately shift my focus onto my breath and only talk when I have cleared myself. 

2 comments:

  1. Interesting, I am dealing with something similar. In some simple way, and this may be " out there" I happened upon a goat yesterday, I know lol. Well, the goat pressed against me, and I thought, well I will participate, so I pressed back with equal force. it got pretty strong, but suddenly, I realized that the goat was aware of the exerted pressure and could at any moment stop with a gentle ease. So it was like a FOCUS of great strength and gentleness/ease. That kind of focus is so cool, and it can demand such as well. Here, when so constant and sound, so stable and forgiving, others observe, like watching a fire, yet does anyone think of taking that for themselves in a way? So, I guess I want to say, as what I am realizing within competition and greed, is that staying focused brings in equal giving, and as such there is no " giving up" but only a stopping with ease. I hope I am making sense. I am trying to say that total focus here, direct focus is like a flame that draws in participation instead of thinking about taking and the opposite there of, which is giving up.

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    1. I see what you mean. This description of focus which is gentle and strong at the same time. It is about consistent pushing but without insisting on a gain - as with competition where gain is everything and giving up is inherent when there is no gain. But here it's about a transition…cool point, thanks for sharing.

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