Saturday, June 21, 2014

Day 541 - The Backchat Conversation




Recently I had a backchat conversation with someone. It's been a while since I have indulged in these types of conversations and I was surprised that I allowed myself to do so. The situation was such that my conversation partner opened the door by making a few statements that I could relate to from my own experience and this prompted me to give myself permission to encourage the conversation on the same trajectory. After the conversation was done and dusted, I experienced regret and more backchat about having 'let myself go'. A few days later, I noticed that it was becoming easier for me to now allow myself to comment on backchats of other people at work where I would have generally remained in silence. The initial allowance I gave to the backchat conversation was now spreading into other areas of my life and so I can see how my mind is in the process of opening the door further. So, till here and no further. I stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for voicing my backchat in the conversation with another because I still believe that my backchat is justified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the opportunity when another engages with me in a backchat conversation, to encourage the backchat even further by giving my input which is also based on backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been dishonest and insincere about my process when I allow myself to accumulate backchat that I voice at the next best occasion, to make use of my backchat to blame, complain and defend myself about a memory. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I was fully aware of what I was doing when I engaged in the backchat conversation, which was making me feel uncomfortable inside, and yet I continued and did not stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have talked about others' actions in judgement, blamed others for my experience, and have given in to my mind because I saw it as a safe opportunity to voice myself as the other person was sharing a similar experience to mine. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still give in to temptations that appear in my world, to focus on the external and personal affairs of others, which I store in my memory, instead of solely placing the focus on my own process, and so I allow myself to compromise myself out of convenience.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have revoked my process of change, because I fell when I engaged in the backchat conversation.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the various scenarios how I could have handled the situation and experience regret about the missed opportunity. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I did not change in the moment when I could have stopped the backchat conversation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my conversation partner would have been disappointed if I had stopped the conversation from evolving further in backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the other person’s emotions would have augmented, as the person was already in an emotional state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a pleasant enagement and not face conflict with another, which motivated me to continue with the backchat conversation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a thought as the conversation was evolving that it was alright for me to indulge in backchat with my conversation partner, because I wanted to relieve myself from the injustices that I believe where done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have victimised myself within the backchat conversation because my starting point was to commiserate with my conversation partner about similar experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am missing something if I do not know what other people have experienced within the same circumstances, because I like to compare my experiences with the justification that I can learn from it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have misguided my curiosity to operate on a personal level, where I allow my curiosity to drift with my mind instead of directing myself to use curiosity as a tool to investigate the greater issues of the system.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts where I tell myself that some gossip is OK because otherwise I have nothing to talk about with another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the moment where I make a decision to ‘let myself go’ and indulge in a conversation of backchat, whereby I deny myself to choose life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for their backchat and gossip and do not stop my own. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for 1) releasing accumulated energy through more private writing, 2) change the trajectory of the conversation and 3) the regret of having missed my opportunity to stand up again after the situation by immediately writing myself out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen already where this situation gave me further permission to continue opening myself up for a backchat conversation in another context. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other’s would think or do if I were to stop indulging in backchat conversation, because I believe that if I were to do that I would risk loss as consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear loss if I were to stop engaging in backchat conversations.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting another perspective of a given situation if I were to stop backchat conversations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in my relations when I don’t have another source of information about another's experiences with the same relations, which gives me a new angle from which I can make decisions

Commitments:

I commit myself to stop myself engaging in backchats by placing more focus and effort on my private writing on the topic(s) where I tend to accumulate backchat. 

I commit myself to revise my starting point and do not allow myself to engage in conversations where I voice my backchat. 

I commit myself to risk everything to stop myself from the temptation to engage in backchat. 

I commit myself to stop listening to all and any excuses why it is alright for me to let myself engage in backchat. 

I commit myself to learn the difference between backchat and 'relating a story' without spite, blame, and defensiveness.  

I commit myself to make no exceptions for no-one and nothing when it comes to allowing myself to voice my backchat. 

I commit myself to write myself out so that I learn to release backchat completely through writing and not keep 'some' inside of me which I unleash at the next best occasion. 

I commit myself to learn to gently tell others who want to engage in backchat that I do not want to go there. 


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