I have recently moved to another country, to a border town where I commute to work in the adjacent country. Yesterday morning I gave myself an hour to get to work, I wanted to have enough time to make it for my meeting - a meeting I could not miss. Normally it takes me 45 min to get to work, so I thought 15 min to spare should be plenty, in case of some kind of unforeseen traffic event. I have been stuck a few times, often on the freeway due to accidents, but mostly on my way home so far not in the mornings.
When the garage door opened I had to choose the route for my trip out of the city, I stopped for a second and decided to take the safest way to get out of town. Safe in the sense that I thought it would be the least obstructed by traffic.
Basically, I know two routes to get through the city and to the bridge that leads over the river and onto the freeway. After only 10 min I was stuck in stop and go traffic. Overnight, suddenly, street works had begun in a major traffic vein. I was stuck for 10 min, and then 15min. Finally 20 min. later the traffic started to roll and I reached a street light where the traffic was diverted. From then on I had no clue where I was going.
Quick, I launched my GPS and hit the "go" button. But as per usual the GPS refused to give me an alternative route and signalled me to turn around. This happens every time. My GPS technology is unreliable because it so inflexible in these non-linear situations. I then started to partially guess where to go, and partly follow others who I assumed where also looking to get across the river. At some point I reached familiar territory again and I made my way across the river and onto the freeway. This entire stretch took me 35 min to drive. Because I was running late now, I then drove 150 km per hour which is rather quickly for me but not unusual on the freeway around here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself get upset when my technological gadgets do not give me what I want, need or desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated my responsibility of informing myself, where I sit down to look at the city map and figure out the major trajectories of commuting to and from work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my GPS when I know its limitations and yet I don't take the time to inform myself to get around these limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the period of getting to know a city in terms of navigation a stress point in all my previous moving situations as well.
Since I have lived in many countries, this situation of having to learn to navigate a new place has come up frequently, and from my memories, I am aware that I have internalised some stressful situations because I don't prepare myself. Whenever I have done some preparation it was always very light and mostly I have relied on winging it.
What I see is that I have made this point a game that I play with myself. Putting myself into these situations causes stress, where I produce adrenalin rushes that I enjoy, similar to playing a video game. Reaching the next level is like navigating an unfamiliar environment. Granted, it has made me quite a good driver but I see that it's time to stop to play the 'adrenalin game'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point of preparation is not important because I believe that I have a good sense of direction and spatial perception and that this is enough to 'wing' it where I don't see that this causes an adrenalin rush inside of me which is used by my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a moment of 'thrill' when I manage to navigate the 'city' maze - because I use this situation to play a game with myself.
to be continued.