Monday, April 14, 2014

Day 531 - Everything hinges on me pt1



I have not written in a few weeks  - for the first time since I started writing this blog. I have been very busy with moving. This entailed finding a new place to live in another country and moving from two places, from two other countries. I have probably moved more than 40 times in my life, but this one was a rather big endeavour. At the same time, I had/have a similar situation at work, where I am writing the biggest proposal I have ever been involved in, and I am one of the main contributors. I have been working around the clock.

Not writing myself out during this time has accumulated thoughts within me that give me a sense of being mentally bloated.  This accumulation has reinvoked 'old' patterns. Though, I have been able to listen to interviews during my long drive to work every day, which has supported me during this time.

For everything to run smoothly which it did and did not, I had to take mega responsibility for others as well as myself. In the course of this step, I felt often left to my devices, though not from the point of being unable to do the jobs that were required of me but rather just from the perspective I am one person and required to be in multiple places. I grew resentful towards a particular person for not picking up some of the work, which did not help the situation.

Often, I feel trapped in a situation where I see the responsibilities involved and all the dependencies yet there the person working with me, does not see it and so I have to put them on notice to avoid consequences. What I desire is to be working with someone who sees what needs to be done and just does his or her share. Whenever I work with others in this way, things move so well.  But in the former case, I am left with having to do my share as well as the other person's share where I allow myself to create backchat and anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that I am no one's mother and that persons I am close to are responsible for learning to become functional, so that they are not a burden to their environment, wherein I realise that I have a matching behaviour that allows the person to let go of their responsibility and rely on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand my own behaviour where I take responsibility for tasks that should be done by another because I want to prevent the consequences that will come about when the tasks is left undone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reverted to wanting to escape from dealing with that person, who is not sharing the work load,  instead of stopping myself and finding a solution that works for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my own areas within my personalities where I don't want to take responsibility because I see, realise and understand that the situation is a reflection of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see my own areas within my personalities where I don't want to change so that I don't have to identify myself with "the one that takes responsibility".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use "taking responsibility" as a label to identify myself where I have purpose and feel useful in the world, and where I don't have to look beyond the surface of myself to see who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use "taking responsibility" as a mechanism of avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take responsibility for my programs but rather engage in resentful backchat so that I can justify not having to change.

to be continued


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