Sunday, March 2, 2014

Day 523 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt6





This is a continuation of my previous posts in this series:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4

Day 522 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt5


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my father for his behaviour of humiliating me by taking pictures of me as a child in compromising situations even when I realised that he was humiliated in his childhood and even when I understood that he has made decisions in relation to our family that were influenced by his fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have ‘downloaded’ and modelled myself on my father who has a lot of fear of experiencing shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father as weak and passive because his fear of shame has paralysed him to take action where action is necessary and through this negative judgement of my father I experience myself as superior to him. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father as weak and passive because his fear of shame made him accept and allow abuse in relation to situations in and outside the family. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that my father's fear of shame was the reason why he sited with the children who where looking for a scapegoat of a broken window, where I stood alone telling the truth and my parents did not believe me but believed the children. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have anger come up inside of me about the memory of the broken window and my parents' betrayal even though I just had the realisation of what motivated their behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that my father’s intense morality behaviour has to do with his fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced situations where I allowed abuse because I was hiding behind the fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that shame is more than me and that I must avoid causing shame for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of experiencing shame in my body, a contracting feeling all over my body where I ‘just want to sink into the ground and disappear’ because see no value in myself in that moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my fear of shame with the personality trait of courage because this allowed me to move myself instead of remaining stuck in shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realised that I have created a relationship between shame and pride, where I have compensated my fear of shame with pride so that I can hide from exposing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions based on my self-definition, in relation to pride, where maintaining a picture of who I believe I am was the main consideration in my decision.


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