Saturday, March 1, 2014

Day 522 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt5



I continue from my previous posts:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my backchat in the first place, specifically about my perceived short comings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prominently feature backchat about “what I am not” or what “I can’t do” and thus not realising that this type of backchat is how I create walls to my actions and performance in the world and more over where I believe that I have to hide behind the walls because I fear having to let go of my beliefs/ego and exist in the world without (negative) self-definitions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to compare myself in my backchat to the picture I have of myself, in what I should be, the skills I should have, and then judge myself from this starting point as inadequate so that I consequently then devise ways to hide my perceived inadequacy from the world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated the hiding behaviours based on beliefs of inadequacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down when I am in a situation where I act from automated hiding behaviours so that I can clearly see my thoughts that trigger this behaviour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a moment of panic when I realise that I might be discovered, where I have energy surges go through my body because I have programmed myself with fear of shame. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of shame that I experienced when my father took pictures of me in situation where my parents had punished me and in situations that are considered private. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted the judgement of my parents about me as me and have caused myself to feel shame and inferiority for this acceptance.

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