Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3





Here I continue my series from these previous posts:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself every time that I am asked to bring in my skills as contribution into a project where I panic that I don’t have enough skills to be successful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself every time that I am asked to bring in my skills as contribution into a project because I believe that I am a fraud and that I don’t have the skills for the project. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create fear within myself every time that I am asked to bring in my skills as contribution into a project where I believe that I will fail because I believe that I am a fraud and this will shatter people’s expectation and reveal the truth about me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear of failure because I fear that I won’t fulfill other’s expectation of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase “you can never have enough skills” to have programmed myself with the fear that my skill set in my professional life is not adequate enough. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where my father is taking an object out of my hand as I am about to investigate it, to see how it works, therefore interrupting my process of investigation with the words: “that’s not how you do it”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the thought of my father telling me “that’s not how you do it” as I am as a child investigating the objects in my world and being short changed of this experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate "insecurity", "inadequacy" and "pressure" with the memory of my father taking things out of my hand with the words “that’s not how you do it” and therefore creating separation through the memory of my father taking things out of my hand with the words “that’s not how you do it” and the words insecurity, inadequacy and pressure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all my past achievements are accomplished through some lucky circumstances and believe further that under ‘normal’ circumstances I would have not accomplished what I did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people compliment me on my work that they are lying and so I look to understand what potentially motivates them to compliment me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this fear of being a fraud come up when it’s about my own contribution where I believe everyone is looking at me in expectation but at the same time when I am asked to help others with doing the same work in a supportive role, there is no fear of being a fraud which indicates the very program I have accepted as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memory of my mother negatively evaluating her body in front of her mirror and me standing close by, thinking/saying that I could not relate to her exaggerated evaluation.

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