Thursday, February 27, 2014

Day 521 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt4





This is a continuation of my previous posts in this series:

Day 517 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt1

Day 519 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt2

Day 520 - Two sides of a coin: betrayal and distrust pt3


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recall in detail the scene when my mother investigated her body in front of the mirror, where I experienced myself uneasy and not understanding what was going on but thought that this is what I have to be/do - as a woman- when I am grown up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my body as if it is a project-in-progress and until the progress is achieved, it's imperfect and I better not expose it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the words of my mother "to never tell anyone what is going on in our 4 walls" to create a fear of exposing myself to others in relation to what I consider imperfections about myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of exposure where I compromise myself about my perceived lack/inadequacy on the one hand, and about abuse that I encounter on the other. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised how far this fear of exposure has penetrated my life and that there are multiple strands of memories attached to it, and that I have hidden these connections from myself because I have written self-forgiveness on these memories yet did not want to see the way they link up so that I keep myself trapped in fear of exposure/betrayal and in lack of self-trust.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to evaluate what I can expose about myself and thus I allow myself to exist in separation within myself, where I have separated myself from the world into my secret mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that the trinity of inferiority/rejection/recognition also encompasses the duality of betrayal- fear of exposure and fear of distrust - because within the construct of recognition I want others to trust me but I fear betrayal because I see myself as inferior. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realised that the point of hiding myself from others in fear of exposure produces unlimited acceptances and allowances within me and in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat to figure out how I can hide my perceived inadequacy so that I remain credible on the surface. 

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