So today I had some email exchanges with "F" and they went alright. I was able to move through my apprehension and also stopped myself from writing her a "I am so sorry" email. A few years I would have apologised but now I realise that that was because of my insecurities back then. In our meeting it was clear that we both were "feeding the fire" and so an apology would have been a clear sign of inferiority. It is really helpful to not be trapped by emotions and thoughts and to be able to make a clear decision about a situation. Though, there are really two decisions here, the first one is to accept that whatever consequences transpire from my behaviour and interaction during the meeting then I am ready to face them. Worst case scenario in this example would have been "F" telling me our potential as partners is no longer there. Was I ready to face that - yes.
The second decision was then to stop myself from doing anything automatically now, to try to make up in hindsight, to try to fix the situation, instead I breathed through the thoughts of wanting to fix things and stepped through the time line first when deciding how to continue interacting with "F". Stepping through the time line means I projected the consequences of "what if I say/do etc"- I continued to interact with "F" in a 'normal' manner, and so did "F" - at least by email.
I commit myself to interact with "F" in future meetings from a starting point of what is best for all, which means on my end I stop judging "F" for "F's" religious beliefs that govern "F's" life, and will use patience and breathing to propose concrete practical solutions so that "F" can see, if "F" chooses to do so, that fear is not necessary and that solutions are there to be used.
I commit myself to keep investigating the point of inferiority/superiority because I see that the types of judgements i pass when I see how a (relgious) belief limits a person, indicate to me that I am existing within the polarity of superiority in that moment but equally exist in the polarity of inferiority in other moments - and I wont' stop until I can stand equal to a person with or without religious beliefs.
I commit myself to stop all fears of religion because religious belief is like any other belief it must be stopped and thus religious belief is a category of belief.
I commit myself to take responsibility because I realise that just knowing that god is dead, does not make me a responsible person because I realise that there are still many situations where I act from the behaviour of wanting someone 'higher' to take care of me, to do it for me - so that I can fall back into the role of the helpless character.
I commit myself to stop passing by opportunities where I can stand up and speak self-forgiveness in the moment as with this situation where I realised in the moment what was going on with me but I chose not to cease the opportunity to walk out of the behaviour.