It seems like I have opened up a vault because every time I sit down to write more on the memories of my mother, more opens up that is related to my current situation and the experience of myself within it. This makes me realise how important it is to walk backwards in one's life and release those early memories because all we are today builds on them.
I therefore continue from my last post - starting again with a memory of my mother and myself in interaction with each other and leading to my current 'ways' of behaviour.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself from the memory of my mother - telling me to shut up because I am a child and I have nothing to say and me trying to justify myself by telling myself that my mother does not want to listen to me - so that I now recreate situations with people in authority positions where I perceive myself as not being listened to because I don’t realise that it is the way of how I taught myself to communicate that yields this result because I see, realise and understand that I am reluctant to go into deeper explanations of what I am wanting to communicate but instead insist on my self-righteousness backchat that things are obvious to everyone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother of being impatient with me and telling me that I was too slow in everything - to set myself up for impatience in communication with others where when “they don’t get it” I am not interested in taking the time to explain in detail what it is that I am seeing/observing but get upset when they don’t listen to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not worth my time to communicate to others in detail what I am seeing/observing because I believe that what I am pointing out is obvious anyway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I don’t communicate in detail and give explanation for the situations that affect me as they are handed over to me by others, I trap myself through my own self-righteous behaviour and emotional reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my backchat where I tell myself that i don’t have time for lengthy explanation to people who don’t want to understand the situation and by believing this backchat I create consequences in the near future where I disadvantage myself and potentially destablise my livelihood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I spend time in finding ways to explain in detail the obvious failure points about a situation (e.g. related to work), I will not have enough time to work on the projects that matter to me and my future - I believe- wherein I don’t realise that this is a justification because it does not conclude that having the time to work on my projects precludes me from harvesting the consequences of not having spent the time to explain in detail the failure points of a situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decentralise myself within my relationship with myself because I believe that certain projects require me to have an emotional attachment - a sense of urgency and ownership - and where I want to spend my time on them to make sure that they get done, while I am totally ambivalent towards other projects that have the potential to create severe consequences for myself.