Sunday, February 9, 2014

Day 507 - Memories of my mother pt18





…and I continue on this specific memory from my last post:



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of my mother’s face, which suddenly juts forward towards me where I see her face bigger than real life, of what she looked like in her younger days when I was a child, where she is over emphasised with her face, with angry eyes, where she says that I must shut up or else I will suffer severe consequences. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where my mother lifts her index finger very close to my face and tells me that I will regret my behaviour if I don’t shut up immediately. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of my mother where she gestures and shakes her head and tells me to disappear out of her sight immediately. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my mother where I tell myself how much I resent her and how much I dislike her and that I am content that I am not much connected to her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my mother based on the comment that I am just a child and that I have nothing to say, about her ways of interacting with me, so that I create a superior stance towards her where I dismiss her in my backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I diss my mother in my backchat I am justified because I see myself as the victim, as the child, and thus confirm to myself that as a child I don’t have a choice about the situation and cannot stand up from it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life from the perspective of the memory of me as a child because I have relegated my relationship with the world to when I was a child and was not able to stand up within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagined myself as a child that some day I would be old enough to get away from my mother, and so I have programmed myself to wait for years ( I remember thinking "7 years before I can get away").

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother in anger because I felt trapped when my mother referred to me as “just a child” “who has nothing to say” - because I wanted her to take me seriously yet I am not taking myself seriously to change how I direct myself in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as a victim today and thus not take myself serious with self-responsibility to walk out of the memories of my mother and thus show myself how much I have used the words of my mother to program myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment towards my mother’s words that I don't have anything to say as a child and have held myself hostage with these words because I have replayed the memory time and again in my mind and therefore thickened and hardened the memory and the resulting program that I live as me. 

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