Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Day 505 - Memories of my mother pt16



I continue with the series of "Memories of My Mother" and this post is a follow up on the topic of "power" - the entire series so far can be read here:


Day 485 - Memories of my mother pt1
Day 487 - Memories of my mother pt2
Day 489 - Memories of my mother pt3
Day 490 - Memories of my mother pt4
Day 491 - Memories of my mother pt5
Day 493 - Memories of my mother pt6
Day 494 - Memories of my mother pt7
Day 495 - Memories of my mother pt8
Day 496 - Memories of my mother pt9
Day 497 - Memories of my mother pt10
Day 498 - Memories of my mother pt11
Day 499 - Memories of my mother pt12
Day 500 - Memories of my mother pt13
Day 501 - Memories of my mother pt14
Day 502 - Memories of my mother pt15




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalise the phrases my mother spoke to me repeatedly, like a recording device, and now allow these phrases to surface as voice in my head and then react to them by wanting the voices to stop but feeling helpless about stopping them because I have automated this mechanism. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to the internalised phrases by my mother that surface as voices in my head with the sound of my mother’s voice and that I react to the voices instead of merely letting them go and pass through me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was more powerful than my mother and that her relationship with me did not affect me when I now realise that I was traumatised by the releationship with my mother and that believeing that I was stronger than my mother, in not letting her behaviour affect me, I denied and suppressed the truth. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow weary of writing self-forgiveness about my mother yet, I have seen much progress within myself about self-acceptance, self-trust, and stability within my relationship with self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of my mother and still have anger come up albeit subtle and faint - so, I forgive myself for being impatient and desiring for this point to be resolved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself permission to be able to let go of my anger and resentment - entirely - towards my mother so that I no longer have any reaction when I have to communicate with her - and so I forgive myself that I have still have avoidance issues, where I signal to myself that the memories of my childhood still have power over myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how powerful I will be when and if I can be in a conversation with my mother and have no reactions, not realising that I am creating a superior persona via this imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of being powerful which adheres to the external world and therefore is about my relationship with the world and not my relationship with myself, and is still coming from within the program of wanting to control my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of “being powerful” to create a program in how i relate to the world, to sabotage my process of change and to hold on to inferiority.

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