Saturday, February 1, 2014

Day 502 - Memories of my mother pt15




…and I am continuing from my previous post

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memories of my mother in that I fear that I will never be able to stand free of them because the more I write on this point the more I realise how I have modelled myself on her either in likeness or in opposition. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that real power of self is when I can be in any situation and be totally silent inside of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others have power over me when they talk about me negatively because I have a memory of my mother complaining about me in front of my relatives. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that power is related to when people like me because I recall that I felt powerless when my mother was flanked and supported by a bunch of elderly women in my family and I stood there by myself in a "them against me" scenario. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that some day I will be powerful and have used this imagination to create a feeling of content in my current situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that power is when I have become untouchable when no one and nothing can hurt me anymore whereby I realise that I have taken on this belief from the media, especially cartoons where the powerful are above the law ( of emotion and feelings).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with inferiority to others I believe are more powerful than me because of their professional positions or because of the way they command themselves in relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with envy to someone who I believe is lucky to be in a powerful position because I have a memory of my childhood where I was experiencing envy of kids who had parents that communicated well with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as powerless when I am in situations of communication, for example when speaking/presenting in front of others.

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