Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Day 501 - Memories of my mother pt14




With this post I am starting the last leg in the series of memories of my mother, this time in relation to these memories and the idea of 'power'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have and hold on to a memory of my mother where I am being told that I am just a child and that I have nothing to say... - so I forgive myself that and having used this memory to program myself with the belief that I am powerless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created situations in my life where I can remain powerless and succumb to an inner struggle just like I have struggled in my childhood within the relationship with my family
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have internalised the struggle to get on top of things where I have created within me a polarisation where on one end of the polarisation are the words of my parents that I use to keep myself in a powerless state, and the other end of the polarisation is my anger and rebellion to not accept the way I have programmed myself - and therefore to remain trapped between these two polarisations. 
I forgive myself that I have covered up the above-mentioned polarisation with various mind-mechanism (self-sabotage and self-manipulation) to keep myself limited and trapped, unable tochange myself. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my own power against me to mirror the relationship I have had with my parents during the time when I was living in my parent’s house. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerful when I am friendly and kind to others whereby I don’t realise that this manipulation mechanism to get what I want and to avoid conflict situations. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have equated “powerful” on the system level where I believed that power means to be someone who has knowledge and makes a lot of money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone who is powerful is a master in manipulating others to get what he or she wants. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have admired my peers who are powerful in the system because I considered myself powerless in the system - and because I have equated system level power with personal power. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared my mother’s power over me in terms of her anger and threats because I feared my own emotional response. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared the fear I experienced when my mother was angry with me, where I feared her words and comments about me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken that power meant ‘power over something’ instead of realising that power is in relationship with me: power as me.

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