Monday, January 20, 2014

Day 497 - Memories of my mother pt10




I am still writing on the point of trust and how it relates to memories of my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience trust as an entity outside of myself and not as something I can relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trusted my parents as authority in my life and placed my Self as inferiority to them, so that when my parents made comments about my physical appearance and my intelligence I have taken their words onboard and created memories as guiding principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents comments about me because I don’t trust myself enough to not believe these comments. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a inferiority based on me trusting my parents and within this inferiority I did not question the statements and comments my parents have made about me but instead I suppressed myself and harboured anger and resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother commenting on the way I dress and that I have used this memory to create my appearance personality and because of this memory I have changed the way I dress, from fearing that my mother’s comment are true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear “looking like a whore” - to fear looking cheap, ugly and vulgar and therefore when I look for ways to dress, I dress to avoid drawing attention to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I look at my body from the perspective of being flawed based on the memory of my mother commenting on my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother to program myself with the belief of having a body that is not good enough, and at the same time rebel against this memory because I do not want to accept that this memory has power over me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accumulated judgements and beliefs about my body which I use to create distrust and self-acceptance issue within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my appearance on the populous at large and then decide what is acceptable for me to do in relation to my appearance personality and that which I have programmed into my water based on the memory of my mother’s comments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have trusted the stability of my relationship with my body as a young person but have allowed the comments of my mother as a memory to determine how to evolve the relationship with my body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen myself in relation to my mother as not knowledgable and unexperienced and have therefore opened myself up to accept my mother’s beliefs about the world and how the world works in regards to survival, and have acted from belief in my interaction with the world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have dismissed my own understanding about people in favour of that of my mother because I do not trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory exist within me where my father where he tells me “walk your path and don’t look back”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory of my father where he tells me to “walk your path and don’t look back”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my father where he tells me to walk my path and don’t look back as belief to not investigate my history and to understand the decisions I have made in my life

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