Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Day 496 - Memories of my mother pt9



I continue from my last blog with another (private) memory…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed a lot of energy into this memory so that I can replay the possessions that I experienced as a young child. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for this memory while I do not realise that I actually resent myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make progress in walking out of these memories and then find ways to trap myself again, and then judge myself for taking one step forward and two back. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother to create the voice of the parent in my head with which I try to control myself, using a similar kind of force as my mother did. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother to create self-judgement and by doing so create a freeze frame in which I pass the time of my life, never seeing outside of this frame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been scared of what exists outside of this freeze frame that I cannot see. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a baseline to my interactions with the world based on this memory of my mother where I destabilise my self-trust so that I do not move past the same situations I have created in my life, time and again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change my life but still hold onto to the memory of my mother even though the pictures of the memory have faded already and I am only following the memory as rehearsed script that exists as a memory in my mind - in other words, I follow a memory of a memory so that I can keep circulating the infinity loop of my accepted and allowed limitations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - while i write these statements - have the urge to itch the control points of my structural design which are at the junction of my right elbow. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t know how to move myself out of these memories and use these thoughts as justifications to stop the opening of change that I have created for myself by releasing these memories. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a specific memory of my mother wherein I experience myself as total rejection and failure and experience the authority of my mother as the all-deciding entity over life and death.  


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