Sunday, January 12, 2014

Day 495 - Memories of my mother pt8






Up until now I have written in relation to memories of my mother and self-value in this continuation I will investigate trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of my mother where I experience myself betrayed because she would promise one thing and do another mostly in situations where I was upset or when she did not want to engage with me further and wanted me to be quiet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself based on the memories with my mother to on the one hand distrust others and yet trust others by seeking approval and acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of my mother where I experienced myself in betrayal so that I can re-create situations in my current life that reflect this dynamic. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in first instance I want to trust myself but instead I trust others with me and I am absent for my Self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in others as a form of control because I do not want to take responsibility for myself and if the other does not come through I can experience myself as betrayed and keep my 'betrayal' programme. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself that I can take responsibility for myself and stop projecting my responsibilities onto other people - for example the responsibility to change myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself but instead become emotional about the thing that I believe I cannot trust myself with and look for ways to offload the responsibility that comes with making a decision about the point I do not trust myself with or enlist the support of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I trust myself that I will change so much that my environment will reject me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be if I am self-contained in my own power instead of placing my power outside of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself because then my life would be certain and stable and I fear to be bored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that without the lack of self-trust I have one less source for energy and thus I allow my mind to hold on to the program of lack of self-trust. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I avoid stability and certainty because I have memories of growing up in an unstable household. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience security in instability not realising that this security is a habit of a programme. 

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