Sunday, January 5, 2014

Day 489 - Memories of my mother pt3



Here I continue from day 485 and day 487.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have looked at who I was in the moment when my mother stated to me that I had no value in her life, where I only referenced myself in this moment and neither, saw, realised or understood the perspective that my mother had having spent her childhood in the war.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself in this moment within the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life, from the starting point of a ‘taker’ because all I have ever expected was that my parents cater to me without me considering them, their background and aspirations.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I used the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life to develop the personality of self-pity and self-victimisation and have vehemently held on to both those personalities so that I continuously could blame my parents for the things that were difficult or not working in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the memory of my mother personally and built on this memory the rest of my life through devaluing myself and seeking value through my interaction with others, by giving of myself what I thought could be of value to them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to understand self-value from my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have habituated myself with a continuous self-judgement about my interactions with the world and others which I see, realise and understand is the step that paves the way for me to devalue myself. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have habituated myself to self-judgement and that it has become so subtle that I don’t even notice now and therefore not allow myself to see the connection between lack of self-value and even self-punishment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have automated my physical movements so that when I am in situations where I am catering to another as I am seeking to be validated, I speed up my movements and actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  in the moment where I am seeking self-value in a situation, to breathe faster and talk faster and steadily move more into my mind. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create consequence because I have created a program where I seek to be valued by others which has trapped me in a cycle of being under appreciated, because as long as I am under appreciated I can continue seeking. 


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