Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Day 567 - Letting go of the worst case scenario - Realisations & commitments on the thought dimension pt6

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In my previous post I wrote about the thought dimension, here I am writing about my realisations….

What I realised about the thought dimension is twofold: the influence of the media regarding the dire economic situation and the influence of others in my field who I use as a point of comparison - are the ingredients which together create the worst case scenario picture in my mind

In the first instance, I am facing a lot of news about the economic crisis, unemployment figures that are sky-high and continue to rise. There are countries where youth unemployment is at 55%. This is obviously a devastating situation. Even though I am not overtly reacting to these news I am still affected by it and how it plays out is that I start to project into the future what the economic situation may mean for me. It's the insecurity of our economic system on the one hand and the visible collapse of it on the other hand that leaves us collectively distraught. In my case it contributes to thoughts of homelessness and loss of livelihood. 

The other influence is the direct comparison of myself as professional in the work place. I have noticed that I compare myself to others in terms of rank and projects. The moment I am aware of it, I see the absurdity of it because my professional trajectory is unlike anyone else's in my work environment. I know this is an automated mechanism which, as of late, I tend to participate in until the moment when I am becoming aware of what I am doing and then I stop

Commitments:

When and as I am reading the news about the economic world situation, I breathe and stop my subtle reactions, I see, realise and understand that the situation is very bad and that with and through my participation to change myself and change the system I am doing what I can do. This entails a disciplined and steady approach in participating with the group to bring about a system that works on the principles of a living income for all. 

When and as I am at work and I look at others and compare myself to them professionally, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have a completely different trajectory behind me and that this trajectory also gives me completely different future opportunities, and that through comparison I only diminish myself and therefore I stop. I hold off any speculation and see, realise and understand that any projection in relation to this act of comparison is a figment of my mind and that I can will myself to stay out of it. 

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Monday, December 1, 2014

Day 566 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt5

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In this post I am tackling the next dimension of this series, the thought dimension. This dimension is usually a picture we conjure up in our minds…. here we go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes see glimpses of a world that is seen through the eyes of a homeless person - and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a picture where I am lying in the street waking up in the morning and all around me are legs walking really fast and I am afraid that I am being stepped on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me being very filthy where I am living in the street and no one wants to get near me because of my stench. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself homeless in the street where I want to ask for money but I don't dare to because I fear the rejection from others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture where I look out into the world and everyone is scared of me because I am homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of me of being cold and wanting to sleep but because I am in the street and I am afraid to lie down because I do not feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a picture of my friends running away from me because I am homeless and no one wants to help me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be homeless and hungry and see all the good things I could eat if I only had some money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be homeless and reflect on the ways I could manage to leave this world because I have entirely given up on myself.
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Sunday, November 30, 2014

Day 565 - Letting go of the worst case scenario - Fear dimension - Realisations & Commitment pt4

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In the previous posts

Day 564 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt3

Day 563 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt2

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1

I have written about a fear that has been with me for many years, I remember being in college /university and having a faint glimpse of this fear but having always managed to "not go there" by suppressing the fear. 

So, now when I looked at the pattern when this fear has reared its head in the past, I saw that it was in specific situations where I did not have enough information to achieve a particular outcome/goal and that there was a relatively high "unknown" factor coupled to the situation/event. The "unknown" was a variable with the potential to have a substantial impact on the quality of my life and even survival.

If I look at it from what I have know about the mind/brain then this is very much the most instinctual aspect of my brain which is in its essence all about fear. The reptilian part of the brain is a system that decides very quickly about many things in our lives. How we like/dislike someone, what a piece of information means? How we should react to an event. It's the brain that works in complete polarisation: fight or flight. Black and white. It cannot compute complexity, and takes very little information to make a decision and hogs imagination to fill in the rest to make up an unsubstantiated story. It's a show. 

Specifically, when we do not have enough data about a person, event, situation - such as when we receive, say, an email from our boss that will only ask us to appear in her office we automatically go into fear states because it's this part of the brain that kicks in to prepare for the worst case scenario. All kinds of 'reasons' that seem plausible in that moment will come up in our minds and we believe them. 

The interesting component is that we have the knowledge about the workings of our brains/minds, it's known to many people and yet we still react to this part of it. Largely because it functions with an enormous speed so that we cannot even see how the situation evolves to a fear state. The fear is suddenly here, and that's it. 

In my commitment to let go of this fear, I see that in the moment when I do not have enough information about a situation/event that has a potential of changing my life (which may also have in part a lot of desire attached to it ) that I allow the automatic functioning of my reptilian brain to take over and generate fear. Even though from another point of view, I see that I do not have sufficient data to predict and project any potential trajectories into the future. 

Therefore the key to stop the reptilian part of my brain to step in for me and take over my mind, is for me to take the reigns into my awareness by slowing myself down. Slowing down is the antidote to speed, so this is where my will comes in. By putting my will onto the process of slowing myself down, I prevent the reptilian brain to take over. Because I will occupy the spot with my self-awareness and move into my chest so that I can concentrate on my breathing utterly and completely without wavering. 

What I have seen already when I have done this is that it stops the automated mechanism being invoked by the reptilian brain, so there is no fight, no flight, I emerge on the other side intact and still in self awareness. 

Commitment:

I commit myself to when and as I am in a situation/event/moment where I am either receiving not enough data to work with, or I am desiring to have more data on a specific issue in my life, I remind myself to bring myself here in awareness instantly and focus on my breathing andbody language, actually moving my body into a power position which I will hold for 2 min. while I continue to focus on my breathing, and from this point forward, I will proceed to participate with my surrounding again. 

In the next posts I will address the remaining dimensions.
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Friday, November 28, 2014

Day 564 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt3

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In this post I continue from the previous post….


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear of becoming homeless when things are looking up in my life but when they are going down the fear comes out and stifles me in being able to see the things in my life for what they are. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the fear that I will have no other means/ways to direct myself if I were to become homeless and lose everything then to roam the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking out into the world through the eyes of a homeless woman who roams the street and having to endure all the negativity and pity from the people around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have to compromise myself in many ways if I were to lose everything so that I would become dependent on another person because I want to avoid roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless and lose everything and would have to live in the street that I would have no more privacy, and that waking up in the morning in the street where other people are walking would be a hellish experience. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless with nowhere to go and I would get sick, I would not be able to get help and die from sickness a horrible and painful death. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to become homeless and lose everything and roam the streets I would die in the streets in a public place with no one to care about assisting me in my last hour. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were with a partner while becoming homeless because I have lost everything that this partner would leave me because of my homeless status and that this would make it even worse for me. 

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything I would give up on myself and that this would render me homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything and become homeless that I would regret not applying myself more in my process to walk out of my self-created limitations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would be ashamed of myself if I were to become homeless and roam the street because I used to be afraid of homeless people when I was not homeless myself.


[Continue reading...]

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Day 563 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt2

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I am continuing from my previous post….

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that this fear exists within me, and that I do not even want to go near the thought and look at it but instead have created a wall within myself in total separation from myself, so that I remain in fear and dwell on the energyof fear instead of directing the fear and ending it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to rely on the mercy of others, being completely dependent for my survival on another's judgement whether I am worthy to receive alms so that I can survive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the fear of becoming a bag lady to pity the homeless women I see and to deeply feel sorry for them, which indicates to me that I am content that I am not the one roaming the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming a bag lady because above all I fear the shame I would be experiencing if my life were to turn in this direction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to share whatever I have available with other homeless people if I were to become homeless and would have to survive in the streets. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that losing everything and becoming homeless is just something that can happen to me without me having any power to direct the situation prior to losing everything and becoming homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friends would end their friendship with me if I were to become a bag lady - therefore I fear being completely alone in the world and not having a familiar face to talk to. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never ever considered the life of a bag lady by putting myself in her shoes without a host of emotional reactions because I have only ever considered such a life from the perspective of pain, sorrow and failure. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having to go to a public shelter where I have heard from my friends who are social workers, homeless people are attacked, robbed, injured and assaulted by other homeless people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and being completely helpless and exposed with no place to withdraw and get away to feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless and having lost everything and wanting to die but not having the courage to actually perform the act of killing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living as a bag lady and never ever having the opportunity to make amends, to reverse the situation and live a "normal" life again. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets and never ever being able to sleep in a bed again and to use a flushing toilet. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in the situation where I have lost everything because I would have to find long lost relatives to help me and I would no longer have the means and knowledge of their whereabouts to do so. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and spending my life roaming the streets because I fear the suffering that would await me if this situation were to come true. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own disgust of the situation, I would have to face, if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer having goals that I can pursue and no longer having a purpose in my life if I were to lose everything and become homeless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that because I am not living my preprogrammed life that chances that I can lose everything and roam the streets are higher as if I had stayed within my preprogrammed design. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have completely ignored the fact that a homeless person is just like me, and just like me suffers from the system we have designed and created together. 
[Continue reading...]

Monday, November 24, 2014

Day 562 - Letting go of the worst case scenario pt1

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In my last buddy chat, I was asked to imagine the worst case scenario I could conjure up for myself. Only towards the end of the chat I was able to actually say what it would be. My answer was: I lose everything and end up roaming the streets. My buddy had asked me several questions prior to this one, how would I handle the situation if I lost my job and so forth… I could see in my answers that I actually no longer default to self-devaluation which was cool feedback on my process. However, the "bag lady" fear seems to have a stronghold on me. Here is what my buddy said:

"….the judgement towards this scenario within myself is the point that creates the fear within self. After you have done the self-forgiveness stand within the shoes of the bag lady. Allow yourself to become the bag lady in your mind. You will find many resistances to this… and once you are able to stand one and equal, then you will know that your self-forgiveness is complete." 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and being left with nothing so that I have to live in the street for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that living without support in anyway, so that I am left roaming the street is the worst thing I can imagine for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the fear to becoming a bag lade control me and use this fear to judge the life style of the bag lady as the worst case scenario. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of the BXL train station where lots and lots of homeless people live and in this memory I am scared of the people because I have an aversion to the smell and the dirty existence that these men and women lead. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected fear, anxiety, aversion and dirty existence to the memory of the homeless people living in the BXL's train stations. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that as a bag lady I could not preserve myself that I would not be able to eat the trash that others leave behind and that I would not be able to overcome the shame and therefore rather die. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if the worst case scenario were true I would not being able to wash my body or wash my clothes and that I have to lie in the street to sleep,  in the cold and wet not having anywhere to go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to lose everything that I would have many regrets about the things I did and didn't do in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to live in the streets that I could get attacked by men and that there would be no one to help me or protect me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I might get my hands on by roaming the streets, I have to protect very well because other homeless people might attack me and want what I have found.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything and roaming the streets so that I can no longer walk my process and write self-forgiveness because I am so consumed by the situation that I have fallen into the depths of anxiety and fear, so that I am unable to stand up again.  




[Continue reading...]

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Day 561 - Being thrown into a new environment pt4

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The week is over, my work at the commission is completed. Again, the interaction with my ad-hoc colleagues during this intense work week brought out many aspects of my patterns or "characters" that I am still facing in the sense that i am aware of them and still have automated reactions. Some patterns, I have been able to transcend when they came up, but with other patterns I see that my will is not yet strong enough to stop the behaviour. 

In this post I will summarise the commitments (from the self-forgiveness in the previous post) that will put the patterns I still act out into perspective. 

If and when I am in a new environment where I have thoughts that I will be challenged professionally, I will first accept that the challenge is neither negative nor positive and if I lean into either direction then I see, realise and understand that i am existing in energy within the polarity of good/bad so that I release the energy.

I see, realise and understand that I have connected the idea of "challenge" to fear as well as positive excitement. In the case of this event, I recognise that I defaulted to fear because I believe that my skill set is not at the level I would like it to be and that I use desire/ the ego picture of myself to create emotions which obstruct my view of reality. What I have learned from this event was that my skill set was sufficient and that it was not expected of me to have more skill then I do. I commit myself to continue walking out of the thoughts that keep me limited in terms of what I should be, should have, and how I should act, and accept where I am at without self-judgement and self-condemnation. 

I see, realise and understand further that as I judge myself, I also judge and react to others. I therefore commit myself to continue placing my awareness on "judgement" patterns, to be able to release myself from judging myself and others throughout (all) situations that I encounter in my life. 

I see, realise and understand that entering into an unknown situation is a trigger for me where I allow self-judgement and judgement of others, anticipation, shame, as well as ego pictures to “take over”. 

I commit myself to continue looking into the construct that ‘new’ and ‘unknown’ environments present in my programming "makeup" until I understand the relationship between the fear of entering into these situations and the memories I have used to keep this fear going. 

I commit myself further to continue exposing myself to new environments and to challenge my comfort zones so that I can explore myself through my reactions in these environments.
[Continue reading...]

Day 560 - Being thrown into a new environment pt3

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The writing here is a continuation from the previous post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have focussed my interactions on the people who I had judged were nice to me, and have avoided or ignored, interacting with others especially those I felt uncomfortable with, or where the I did not receive a reciprocal body language of openness which I interpret as invitation to interact. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a strategy when I enter into a new environment, and then look for people who I see as nice and like-minded, and once I have found those people, I feel save and stick to them throughout the duration of my stay. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know how to react when I enter new environments because I feel unstable inside of myself, I therefore use this instability to allow my “old” patterns” to step in and to provide the stability that I am seeking. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if and when I would insist interacting with people who I did not sense wanted to interact with me, I would have to experience rejection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the fear of rejection to determine who I interact with. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret a person’s behaviour as either pro or anti- "I", and use this interpretation as a starting point for how i interact with the person.




[Continue reading...]

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Day 559 - Being thrown into a new environment pt2

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Today was the fourth day in this new and temporary environment. I have come a long way from my previous post, my 2nd day experience. The writing supported me to get myself back on track and has also strengthen my resolve to stand up and stand strong as self, regardless if I seem to stick out of the crowd or not. 

Today though I realised another point. When working side by side with these impromptu colleagues, some very successful people in their field, working habits transpire and it becomes quite evident that success results from the scaffolding of concentration, discipline, dedication, commitment and self-motivation. Success is indeed the end of a long road. There was in particular one person who impressed me with his stamina of concentration and self-motivation reading and writing about some very dry documents, often written in cumbersome language with lots of jargon. When I watched him work and saw his level of self-motivation, I realised that in many ways I stood in the way of my own success. I have known what to do in terms of the methods of working and the characteristics such as self-motivation - and here is the big but - I have not been consistent and deliberate at all times in applying them. I realised that in the past, I have victimised myself because all the hard work that I have done to reach a particular goal I frequently have undone through self-sabotage. I then manage to stand up again, do the work again, until I reach the point where I allow myself to let self-sabotage enter into the scenario. I herewith declare that self-sabotage is no longer my friend. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know in most situations what to do, in order to achieve the best possible result and reach my goal but that I deliberately misuse my knowledge to sabotage myself to the point where I fail to create the outcome I set out to achieve. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-sabotage to stay within my self-limitation because I believe that it’s a safe place and that I know my power within these limits. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what lies outside the limits that I have accepted as me and that I use this fear to sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the fear that I have created, the fear of letting go of the fear, and therefore keep myself trapped in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that every time I allow my thoughts to direct me in the moment, I give into my mind and weaken my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself busy in the situation where on the one hand I push myself to move and self-direct the “who I am” from the starting point of my being, and on the other hand pull the breaks by letting go of my will and my ability to stay in awareness and surrender to my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that surrendering to my thoughts is OK at times and not at others, and thus I am sabotaging myself as I am wavering in my stance to the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself preoccupied between these two scenarios so that I do not have to face what lies beyond my self-limitations. 
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Day 558 - Being thrown into a new environment pt1

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I have recently travelled to a professional gathering where I met people from all over Europe to work together with them for one week. We work side by side from morning to evening. In the evenings I go to my hotel and wake up the next morning to start again.. Most of the people did not know each other and all came from the various parts of Europe. A big mix of people, languages, and cultural habits. 
Part of our job was that we had to reach consensus on particular topics. We work in groups of three, each time rotating the people who are in the group

As everywhere, when people come together cliques form. You see the same people going to lunch together and hanging out during the breaks and when we socialise at night.  Before I came to this gathering, I had some thoughts about the socialisation part. Having to find people to go to lunch with and having to find people to talk to and so forth. I can see that here i was “stuck” in anticipation. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have anticipated within myself that the hard part of this job/contract was the socialisation with total strangers and that I experienced an uneasiness about the idea. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that I still believe that I must react to my environment, and therefore want to know everything about a new environment before entering into it. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be comfortable in new environments and that I allow and accept worry about this desire not being fulfilled. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not will myself to be here within every moment of breath when I enter into an unknown and new environment in which I have to operate. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in my new environment because I do not feel comfortable within myself. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I am being perceived by others when I enter into a new and unknown environment. 

Today is the second day and it has been a bit difficult in the sense that I have noticed that I still have reactions wanting to make sure that I also have a few people to hang out with, and that I do not end up alone. It is not about being alone, but it’s about being part of a group within the group and not being left out. I would actually have no problems of being alone, going alone to lunch and hanging out during the breaks. But since I am part of the group, going alone would make me feel left out. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as a “loner” in the group because I want to be seen as accepted by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to care about what people think of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as belonging to others because I believe that if I were seen as not belonging to others I would stand out. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out but to want to fit in. 
I also noticed that I seem to attract some people and repel others, and this causes me to have some anxiety because I do not understand why that is so. I experience a desire to know and to find out. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to stand out from the crowd and when I do I don’t want to deal with the consequences of being favoured  by some and not by others. 
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to other's people's definition of me when I do not want to be perceived as "different".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to construct 'security' for myself through the perception of others. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that security is who I am in my relationship with self and cannot be "obtained" through others. 

[Continue reading...]

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Day 557 - My experience of working with Shame

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Experiencing shame has been the most intense emotion that I have experienced in my life. Shame has motivated me to hide, to withdraw, and essentially, over time, to develop an introverted personality from within the intense feeling of shame. On the other hand, I have also programmed myself with a personality of confidence which I used to overcome the program of introversion in situations where I had to integrate myself with new people and new environments. In other words, I used the program of confidence to compensate for the program of introversion. 


Now that I look back on this situation, having gained some distance to how I have programmed myself in this way, I place myself into the memories of my younger days to see how I had made my parents my role models. My father for the feeling of intense shame and my mother for the program of confidence. I lived both of these programs to the extreme in that shame motivated me to often take drastic measures, by taking huge leaps into the unknown and using confidence to produce the courage to do so. 


The difference between guilt and shame in my personal life has been that shame seems to have been always there and the intensity of shame was regulated, more or less, by how I experienced the external world in relation to my memories. Guilt on the other hand, has typically been restricted to concrete and isolated situations, mostly where I was caught in a dilemma of what I “should” be doing and what I “wanted” to do. I ended up doing what I wanted to do, which could have also been giving into resistances. Facing the consequences of the situation then caused me to experience guilt because I knew better and I knew what was coming as a result of my action or inaction. 


An intense feeling of shame stems from a fragmented sense of self that is permeated and penetrated by experiences that led to labelling self as unworthy, defected, useless - in short, to reject the self. Self-acceptance is replaced with a (ego) picture of oneself in how one wants to be, yet that picture is unobtainable because it is based on a skewed self-perception, divorced from reality. Through intense self-judgement of not being able to live the (ego) picture, the self is hurt and injured. This is the point of separation that causes the fragmented self. 


It follows that when one has intense self-judgement that necessarily others in one’s world are judged with equal measure. This causes an internal situation of friction between self and others, which intensifies the cycle of judgement of others and self, and promotes the resulting feeling of shame. 


We can think of the (ego) picture as part of the manner in which we “outsource” the self to the external world. But the act of outsourcing the self can also be the way we interpret another’s behaviour in relation to ourselves, because through these interpretations we give up our power and use others to define who we are. 


The healing comes through directing one’s will to establish a relationship with self. This can be done when dedicating oneself to work on multiple fronts.



1. Body 

Letting go of the (ego) picture that one carries within oneself, starting with one’s body and the bodily image - for example, by doing self-forgiveness when standing naked in front of the mirror. By making a list of all the aspects one dislikes and likes about one’s body and forgiving each item on the list. As a commitment to change one can concentrate on one’s bodily functions. Becoming aware of one’s relationships with excretion, how one feeds oneself, and how one goes to sleep at night. In the commitment of becoming aware, one can focus on listening to the body through gentleness. I found this is an effective manner to establish self-intimacy.

2. Desires

Another angle to work with is to examine one’s desires and wishful thinking. Desires are powerful indicators where we want to live up to the (ego) picture. For example, what do we want from others? what do we expect from our relationships with others? from our job or career? Letting go of desires gently dismantles the (ego) picture one has constructed over the years.  

3. Relationships

All of the above supports the forming of a relationship with self, and self-trust is another aspect that can be learned and practiced. Here I suggest to place oneself into situation where one fears failing, and then to use one’s will to move through the situation, through the fear, and even the failure to develop and strengthen self- trust.




This is how I have been working with myself, which is a form of self-support in the framework of the Desteni-I-process pro. To get a taste of this process, join the free online course.
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Day 556 - Shared Office Space - final part

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It has been awhile since I wrote about the shared office space situation. In the past two weeks, I have been sick and not been at work and since then situation has changed a lot. 

As I reported in my previous post, I made an arrangement to speak to my 4 colleagues over lunch. This lunch arrangement has been postponed because of my sickness. Though after my self-forgiveness, I had committed myself to stay open to the office situation and stop my participation in backchat. Then a situation emerged where one of the office mates, being from another country, ran into problems with having to leave the country to go a conference but not being allowed to do so by the immigration laws. 

Since I have also had dealings with the local administration and since I have been in her situation in many other countries, I offered my advice to her. I told her what I would do in her situation. And she did. She eventually went to her conference and had no problem re-entering the country. 

This incidence "broke" the ice between the newcomers and myself. The past few days since I have been back at work have been different in that I don't experience the heavy feeling that I had before, the sense of dread of facing the noisy office. Because I maintain my work ethic when I am there but I do now interact on some level, the noise level has become more manageable and I see that the office mates are equally interested in keeping a healthy work environment between us all. 

In hindsight, the self-forgiveness I had done gave me the opportunity to share my experience/advice from a place of support, and not from a place of inferiority or superiority. This established an opening to relate to each other which I previously could not create because I feared the invasion, the noise and disturbance to my work environment.
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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 555 - Shared Office Space pt1

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In my previous blogs I talked about the newcomers in my office though in meantime my new office mates are not so new anymore. My colleague who I shared the office before the others arrived has been rather friendly with the three new people. I, on the other hand, have been withdrawn because I have so much work that I a) don't have the time to go to lunch or to take a long break and b) I have been holding the 'silent' working pattern in place because I make it clear through my behaviour that the shared office space stays quiet because with 5 people someone is bound to be talking and the office is not that big.

However, in the past weeks I have noticed a slight but steady shift where the women have been increasing their conversations inside the office instead of going outside. Largely, I see this happening through my colleague  who has peu-à-peu begun to get more involved with the new office mates. When I discussed this point with my buddy, she said: …within their minds they have shifted to a new agreement and you are no longer part of that new established agreement…..and remember these things sometimes happen without actually communicating about it. It is a subconscious shift that happens …. they may not even consciously be aware of the shift. But when asked and asked to communicate about … it will start to unravel and the points will become clearer to everyone again in terms of how each person 'sees' the office space able to be used. The subconscious shifts are boundaries being pushed a little at a time and each time those boundaries shifts are justifiable and as such the point keeps on moving and moving beyond the initial agreement.

The initial agreement was discussed with my colleague first before the newcomers moved in and she was the one who delivered the agreement to the others. I was not present at the time which is a point of having given up my power. It was a matter of convenience for me when she went ahead and briefed the others but in self-honesty I also did not want to face the fact of asking the newcomers to stick to the principle of working quietly. The next step is to take my power back by taking to all of them.

Today I made an arrangement for a shared lunch in two weeks time.

Until then I am going to walk this point and release all energies so that I can take my power back without reactions and also walk through the anxiety of having to speak to all four about the principle of working quietly and ask where everyone is standing so that we can come to a shared agreement that works for all equally.

Self-forgiveness:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn the office situation, instead of finding a way of directing the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to backchat, mind chatter and memories instead of looking at the situation from the perspective of oneness and equality and directing myself within the situation so that it is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have seen this opportunity to walk out of my backchat but instead have accumulated energy within me and have allowed myself to linger in backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my office mates because I did not want to stand up and direct the situation because I still give into self-victimisation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I stay quiet, things will get better. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have assessed the situation in my backchat where I have analysed that my old office mate does not care about a quiet working climate because her contract is almost finished and my new office mates are just starting and thus they are not very busy but that I in contrast have a mega ton of work and am juggling many different projects that I am responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting my work done because I am being interrupted a lot and cannot concentrate and within this fear choose to withdraw myself and work at home. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an aversion within myself to going to my office because I believe that I am a victim of circumstances that the office mates where just dumped into my office. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my office mates are intruders who are invading my world and that i am powerless about their presence and all I can do is endure what is happening. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within my office situation because I fear to speak up and direct myself and others in the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I say something it will be taken the wrong way and cause more tension. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am causing tension because I am not speaking up but I am behaving in a way that shows that I am uncomfortable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down and see the situation for what it is but to construct in my imagination a scenario that is based on a mixture of fear, anxiety and resentment and want to act from this starting point to find a solution which is why I want to change offices. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to work because I fear dealing with noise and the presence of the office mates because I have created a ‘deadend’ for myself where I can move out of unless I stand up and speak to the office mates about the situation and find a solution that is best for all.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become reactive because  my environment changed and I believed that I was a victim to these changes without having any influence on these changes because I see myself in separation of my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that i am going to be disturbed/interrupted and challenged by noise when I saw that there were 3 new office mates coming into the office. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have used the thought that there are three new office mates in the office to trigger myself into self-victimisation based on my memory of being ‘interrupted and disturbed’ by noise before and that I have projected this memory onto to the situation and have created the situation for myself.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an imagination in my head where I believe that my office mates are against me and through this belief hold myself hostage in staying quiet and staying the victim.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that if I do speak up my office mates will attack me and through this belief hold myself hostage in not saying any anything but staying quiet and staying the victim. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have come to the conclusion that running away, looking for another office is the best possible outcome because I have based my conclusion on my imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with energy to the situation and have within that activated all my memories that have a relationship to the concept of being disturbed, invaded, undermined and disadvantaged. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted by manipulating myself into the corner where I wanted to become invisible because I thought that this reaction would protect me from the others in respect to their noise and having to engage with them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted my reactions as valid and as my reality instead of realising that my reaction is triggered by my memories, thoughts and backchats that I believe to be real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable in my body 
where I experience contractions in my chest and my back being hunched over. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create nervous energy in my body where I want to repeatedly rub my fingers. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my upper shoulders as holding all the weight of the situation as I am experiencing my shoulders to be crushed in trying to support the energetic burden of the situation. 

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Thursday, September 18, 2014

Day 554 - Realisation about the "Newcomers in my office"

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In relation to my previous post Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1, I had some realisations that I am going to share. As I wrote previously, it felt like a sudden onslaught when 3 people joined our office as we were not informed by the administration and fears of being disturbed and losing our "peace" started to arise. But in parallel to this situation, I realised that I am also walking another point which added to the "system equation". In the course of becoming stable within myself, in situations like this one I would have habitually reacted to the newcomers by putting my best foot forward. This step translates to behaviour that overcompensates for my insecurities about the new people and who I am in relation to them.  However, I am no longer "acting" nice to establish relationships. Therefore, at times, I am unsure how to interact at all.

How I noticed that this was going on, was at a moment where I had thoughts come up that I would have used in the past to kick myself into 'nice' behaviour.  Because for a moment I could see that I was thinking about not being "nice enough" to the new people since I have been keeping to myself and interacting only when necessary. In the past, this thought would have moved me to nice behaviour in an attempt to make up for how I judged myself. Here, when the thought came up, I did not follow the rabbit hole but instead just breathed and stayed here. More importantly in that moment, I did nothing, I focussed on my work. I went home that day and wrote self forgiveness on the point which made me realise what just happened.

Another point that I saw in relation to this situation was the hindsight of something I lived through as the newcomer to the research unit. In other words, when I was on the receiving end, having come to the research unit through series of "unfortunate" circumstances, I wasn't welcomed with open arms by the professors in charge.  In a recent meeting I saw that the situation was dissolving somewhat into something new because one of the professors was becoming more approachable. So here I realised that it takes time to integrate new people when they appear through or with unintended consequences and that when we are new somewhere, most of us expect to be welcomed. Slowing down and developing patience is the solution to integrating as a newcomer but also to receive a new person into one's habitual environment.





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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Day 553 - Newcomers in my office pt 1

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We went from a two person office occupying a five person office to being completely staffed with five people, suddenly and unexpected. Meaning, there was no communication or indication by the administration of the faculty that three people would suddenly join our office. Prior to the new situation, my colleague and I had a very good set-up. We both liked a quiet atmosphere to work in, and we had a complimentary rhythm. I could ask her about issues or aspects concerning the university because she had been there for quite a long time and she was well-informed. Things were easy.

Since the new women came to share the office, things have changed. The quiet atmosphere we had is gone. There is suddenly a lot of movement, the door is being opened and closed, it’s noisy and not comfortable anymore. Yesterday I voiced myself about the door being open and closed a lot, making me uncomfortable because I sit in the line of draft  between the window and the door. When I talked to the woman I wasn’t very clear and directive because I “feared” her reaction and she indeed reacted to me. 

Why did I let the anger build up inside of me when I have shown myself in other situations that I can breathe the emotion in and let it go - so why did I not stop myself?
What was a I afraid of that I could not communicate my point straight and with clarity?

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking up about the door being opened and closed because I felt I was speaking from reaction and I realised that this would be evident if I were to speak up in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed by the newcomers opening and closing the door because I feel disturbed in my usual way of working. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience one of the girls as forceful and fear that I will have to battle her to be able to have a stable working environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a belief instead of being here equal and one to the situation of sharing my working environment with others and relating to everyone as an equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as holding on to an energy that is located in my chest area, which I experience as tightness and restriction and where I believe that I am unable to relax and let this energy go. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am creating this physical reaction because I fear who I would be if I were to let go of this energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately focus on the movements of the new office colleagues to be able to judge and evaluate their behaviour so that I can feed my backchat. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs around what I require in my environment to work effectively and use these beliefs to limit myself and give me a reason to create anger energy in relation to my new office mates. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others because I deliberately do not want to change myself to stand one and equal to the new situation and the new people in my daily work environment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want  others to have access to my world because I believe that with access comes responsibility for me to communicate and to express myself and within that I fear not being able to communicate my needs, and thus others will impose themselves on me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react from a memory of my mother imposing her will upon me and me accepting it because I feared her wrath and her reactions - and so I programmed myself to get away from my mother as the only solution to stay in control of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have modeled my relationships with others on the basis of my interaction with my mother and the anger reactions that I experienced with her. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am still reacting to my mother’s anger reactions by allowing and accepting the beliefs and fears I currently live in relation to my new office situation.  


I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless when new people come into my life as I once was powerless when I was a child and interacting with my mother. 

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