Saturday, January 4, 2014

Day 488 - Testing myself on New Year with the Chinese Zodiac pt2

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This post is a continuation from day 486

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the reading of the Chinese Zodiac to occupy myself with backchat where I diss what I read because I try to convince myself that what I read isn't true, yet I am only covering up my fear of loss - the loss of my hopes for a successful, happy and healthy year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my backchat to quickly search for strategies how I would counter the negative situations that I believe might happen to me, according to the Chinese Zodiac, so that I can remain composed and pretend that what I read leaves me with indifference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my backchat to continue to feed the energies of fear of survival which is not based on whether the prediction that I read was positive or negative but relates to the act of identifying myself with the information and then either way fearing that survival is at stake by not fulfilling the positive predictions nor avoiding the negative ones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what I read with fear and at the same time suppress my reaction because I do not want to admit to myself that this Chinese Zodiac has power over me because I consider myself superior to this type of information and thus I fail to stand equal to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-doubt because in this one moment where I am reacting to reading the Chinese Zodiac I believe that I have made little progress in walking out of my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself with anger because I believe that I have fallen into my own trap because I had projected that my reactions would be a lot less than what they're actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment because I judge this type of information as junk and yet I have fallen for it emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be of the mindset where I still look for a better life within the system, which means that I still have faith in the system in which we live and that it is valid and thus I am revealing to myself that I do not want to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have read the text of the Chinese Zodiac from the starting point of my memory instead of reading it from the starting point of oneness and equality - from within the centre of myself.


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Friday, January 3, 2014

Day 487 - Memories of my mother pt2

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In this post I continue from day 485. This is a series that I will be walking throughout the month of January 2014.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realise that self-value is a product of interaction with others because when I am spending time alone and I am content in my introverted personality I create a world of my own which is then most valuable to me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the memory of my mother to create a introverted personality where I am value onto myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the program of self-value to create separation between myself and the rest of the world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the program of self-value to justify that I require to be alone to experience myself in a calm and relaxed state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in agitation when the value I perceive I give to another is not accepted and recognised. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a sense of loss when I have created a situation where the value that I believe that I have given to another has not been recognised. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when I have created a situation where the value that i believe that I have given to another has not been recognised. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the urge of wanting to physically separate from another when the value that I believe that I have given to them has not been recognised. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame when I create a situation where the value that I believe that I have given to another has not been recognised. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame because I recall that my mother reacted to me with blame for having created situations where I did not see the value that she had given to me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame when I create a situation where the value that I believe that I have given to another has not been recognised - because I do not want to take responsibility for the program that I have created in relation to self-value so that I do not have to change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame when I create a situation where the value that I believe that I have given to another has not been recognised - because I do not want to recognise what I have created within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame when I create a situation where the value that i believe that i have given to another has not been recognised - because it comes easy and feeds my energy addiction. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame when I create a situation where the value that i believe that I have given to another has not been recognised - because in my memory of my mother when she voiced her blame towards me or any other member of the family we generally fell silent because that was the only way to stop the situation and so I suppressed a lot of anger because I believe that I could not clarify the situation nor communicate in common sense with my mother nor my father (because my father was protecting my mother).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame when I create a situation where the value that I believe that I have given to another has not been recognised -because in my memory of my mother when she voiced her blame towards me there was never space for my perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react physically in my solar plexus and emotionally with anxiety and frustration when writing about the memory of my mother where she blames me and I experience myself in utter frustration because there was nothing I could do to change the situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I did not realise that my mother was blaming me out of her own frustrations and discontent and that this has nothing to do with me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I did not realise that my mother was looking for ways to empower herself which she could when I reacted to her blaming me for her unhappiness in life - as I can see within myself that I use blame to empower myself momentarily so that I do not have to investigate the “I” that I have created. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my mother for my lack of self-value, and lack of self-trust and by doing so have continued the cycle of the blame game as an act of revenge. 

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Thursday, January 2, 2014

Day 486 - Testing myself on New Year with the Chinese Zodiac pt1

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Prior to having an understanding about how the mind-consciousness system works, I read the yearly prediction of the Chinese Zodiac at the beginning of each year. So right about now. I was looking for sites that I could believe were authentic. These particular sites would go into the complicated system of 'lucky element' and 'lucky number' and so forth. Of course I have no clue about the workings of the Chinese Zodiac, and the more complicated it seemed the more satisfied I was with what I found, and the more trustworthy I felt about the information I would get about myself. I would go as far as going through the interactive application where I could select my birth-date, -place and -hour to get a custom-made response. Well, we all know there is a whole industry behind these types of belief "symbolism-systems".

After I got into process,  I shun these types of sites because I realised that we use them to keep ourselves locked in place, in our pre-programmed design. We interpret what we read from the starting point of our programmed reality and thus make the predications come true. These days I test myself by going to these sites to see if I still react to them. What I mean by reacting is that I react to the words that I read and that supposed to predict my future. I react to them with emotions as if the words were true, as if I had nothing to say as to what happens to me or how I go about living my life. It's the basic idea of a god, that there is something or someone who directs me like a puppet on a string. What my reaction indicates to me is that I still do not want to take responsibility for myself because I am perfectly capable to direct myself through the use of the tools that support me to step out of my mind and the programs that I have accepted as me. 


Problem:

So, when I tested myself for this year and I saw that I still react to the descriptions that tell me that I am not compatible with the animal symbol of the year and 'bad' things will happen to me. 


Solution: 

Self-forgiveness on reading and reacting to the predictions of this year:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an entity that is responsible for how I move and direct myself in the world so that my behaviour in the world is completely predictable. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not far enough in process that I no longer act from my preprogrammed design and that this is the reason why I react with emotions when reading the Chinese Zodiac of this year. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy is stronger than me and thus I cannot stop generating energy for the mind-consciousness system and with this belief I have already given up on changing myself to live without energy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself because I believe that taking responsibility for myself through walking my process of breathing and self-forgiveness is much bigger than me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself because in my interactions with others I experience difficulties in form of reactions and so by reading my Chinese Zodiac for the year, I have strengthened the belief that I could never walk out of my reactions to others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a system (the Chinese Zodiac) even though I do not understand how it works, where it really comes from, if the information I am reading is authentic and correct so forth - which in common sense makes no sense to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly trust a system (the Chinese Zodiac) instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself because I believe that writing self-forgiveness and walking the correction is too much and I don't have the time to accomplish this work. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the justifications of my mind when in reality I do not want to let go of my creation - namely the creation as "I". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I do not want let go of the creation that is I because I experience fear of loss. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the creation that is I because I fear that I fail to re-create myself anew in equality and oneness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the creation that is I and that I justify this thought with backchat, that bad living is better than no living because I believe that when I let go of the creation that is I, I will die. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of the creation that is I because I fear that my world will fall apart, and I believe that my life will be harder, tougher, worse, and more negative if I let go of the world that I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too old to change my behaviour and that therefore reading about what is supposed to be coming my way is the safer route to go than taking responsibility to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I cannot imagine who I will be when my world falls apart when I let go of the creation that is I and because I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I let go of the creation that is I, I instead hold on to the creation that is I. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the changes I have already made in my life were just an illusion and so I create self-doubt to hold onto the creation that is I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that death is the worst thing that can happen to me and that I use this thought to justify holding on to the creation that is I. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that without the creation of myself that is I, all the 'good' parts of I are going to be gone as well. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that the creation that is I is related to knowledge and information. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought that my life as I have already created it will not change even if I change myself and thus there is no use in letting go of the creation that is I.


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Day 485 - Memories of my mother pt1

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In this post I start a series about the memories I have with my mother and how these relate to the programs I have accepted as me in relation to value, trust, control and power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value myself for the sake of self-value but to place value onto my experiences/ideas/perspectives and use those to obtain value for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my existence has to be valuable in some tangible form so that I can reflect it back to myself through my interactions with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my value cannot be seen because I don’t see my own value as life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without tangible value I don’t have any power in the world, and if I am powerless, I don’t exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can give my value away to the world and others, and this value in form of knowledge, experiences and ideas has more value than me as the living being. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the value that I give away to the world is not accepted by others in the way that I see it.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself with the belief that I can give something away from myself, instead of realising that all is one and interconnected and that the idea of  “giving away” is the foundation of the mind-consciousness system to separate and fragment the whole of existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life and that I hold onto this idea because I have created my ego from the starting point of becoming valuable in the eyes of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from "powerful" and from "having authority" because I have defined "powerful" and "having authority" within the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life, in separation of myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction of anger to the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life because I realise that I have used this memory to program myself with self-interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life because I realise that I have used this memory as a starting point to hold on to my idea that others are against me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life to have made it one of my major purposes to create tangible value that is accepted by my mother and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for not valuing myself because I have programmed myself with and through the memory of my mother telling me that I have no value in her life so that I  experience myself as valueless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have extended the blame cycle blaming my mother for not valuing my existence to blaming others when I do not receive a response that acknowledges my value upon the exchange of what I consider “giving away “something valuable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day my mother will recognise my value because I have shown her tangible results. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day my mother will take her statements back of me having no value to her, and then I can change the memory for good and all will be better in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I make a contribution where others recognise my value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I will reach a place in my life where I am no longer searching for the value that I can be/represent/perform.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day my mother confides to me that she’s sorry for the way she treated me when I grew up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day my relationship with my mother will have changed where we have a real conversation and that this will be a sign that she values me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about those to whom I 'give away' my 'valuable' ideas/experiences/knowledge and who do not reciprocate what I believe I give to them by acknowledging the value that they are receiving from me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about my mother recognising my value and then project this backchat to other situations that I re-create so that I can re-iterate my belief that I have no value. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about those I advice because I am waiting for a response that confirms that what I communicated has value to them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about those with whom I interact and who acknowledge my value so that I judge them negatively and experience myself as uncomfortable in their company. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about those who demonstrate to me that I have value in their life because I consider them weak, insecure and less than me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to judge the situation that describes a response by someone who I believe does NOT recognise the value that I believe I have given them as good/positive/right, and that I believe further this to be a challenge for myself to prove them otherwise. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a challenge to prove that I am valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that challenges are good/positive/right and that I will grow through accomplishing challenges in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to judge the situation that describes a response by someone who I believe DOES recognise the value that I believe I have given them as bad/negative/wrong, and that this triggers me to lose real interest in that person. 


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerful when I am recognised for the value that I believe I bring to a situation. 


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