Saturday, December 21, 2013

Day 473 - Motivation and self-will pt3

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In the last two posts I wrote the prelude to the self-forgiveness that I will start with in this post:


Day 471 - Motivation and self-will pt1

Day 472 - Motivation and self-will pt2



Fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the state I am in if I don't have an objective that I use to motivate myself because I identify myself with reaching my goals as this allows me to forget about the rest of the world and the state of affairs which I consider myself powerless towards. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I cannot become aware of the elements in the outcomes that I attach the picture I have of myself onto because I sabotage myself and keep the relationships towards these elements hidden so that I cannot change and release the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that stopping motivation will cause me to create problems in my work situation where I fear that without motivation specific responsibilities won't be met by me if I stop approaching my work without motivation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot just exist without having a focus or purpose somewhere that I can draw energy from to move myself forward in my life, because whenever I have used self-will to move myself, I am faced with resistance and consider what I have to do as tedious and lose interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to the lack of self-will, when acting without the emotion that fuels my motivation, because I believe that I will falter and that the part of me that I consider strong (to get stuff done) is not real because I have lied to myself since I have re-lied all my life on the emotion that motivates me. 

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Day 472 - Motivation and self-will pt2

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In my last post, I looked at motivation versus self-will and that I have mostly been a self-motivated person which then determined my will. By will I mean the staying power, the coping with obstacles and continuing, not giving up. In other words it has been through the motivation that is geared towards a particular outcome that I developed wilful action.  The motivation is leading the will for me to persevere and stay steady with applying myself. 

But what motivated me in the first place is to be/have/experience a particular thing/concept/object - the outcome. Either the entire outcome or some less obvious aspect of the outcome that I choose to identify with and that I am not aware of. And this particular thing/concept/object is thus linked to the picture I have of myself. That's the energetic cycle, to maintain the picture I have of myself. So, motivation has a direct connection to the ego and how we have defined ourselves. Motivation is a level of excitement from which we move, rather than from the common sense of the situation. I have not noticed it in my body as physical sensation that is why I wrote in my last post that I have not 'sensitised' myself to the energetic construct in the physical.  I recall listening to the interview on confidence, I was surprised to hear how it physically manifests, which made me realise that I also have never been aware of it. 

The Eqafe interview I mentioned in my last post, really drives the point home. Because the excitement of motivation is an emotion, it creates a disconnect from reality and forms a tunnel vision. Motivation can only focus on the outcome and objective and not on what happens in detail in the process. Because if that would be possible, then the process itself could 'derail' the motivation- when for example a decision was made that would no longer justify the object that motivates. Here we are then at the moment-to-moment walking because moment-to-moment walking requires moment-to-moment decision-making. Acting from emotion skips all that and one becomes blind to the moment-to-moment living. 

In some of my early posts on this blog I have done self-forgiveness on self-defintions and the picture I have of myself. Rather than going back to that point which surely I will revisit at some later stage,  I am going to look at the other end of motivation, which is the attachment on the outcome, the objective. In self-honesty, I realise that not having an objective, an outcome in my mind, I am not motivated and I am kind of lost. I easily home in on a focus and then my attention is trailing the objective until I have reached it. It's a game I play with myself, obviously.  

Thus the focus of this series is to exist without basing my movement on the thing to be achieved. I understand that first a general focus has to be defined to direct oneself. For example: I am going to learn another language. From this point forward the focus is on moment-to-moment daily living. So, the relationship I want to disconnect and release is the one where the focus is on the object to be achieved, which then becomes the purpose of the focus that then guides the process, creating side effects, such as an 'expectation horizon'.  

In my next post I'll start with the self-forgiveness. 









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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Day 471 - Motivation and self-will pt1

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For a long time I have counted on my passion to motivate myself. I can exhibit an incredible drive to get something done. I see it most often in situations where others around me are ready to give up and are astonished for me to keep going. For me giving up has never been an option, it has been like this ever since I can remember. When I really wanted to get into something or do something nothing could stop me. Though I don't get to this place all the time, often I don't get started, and unless I start I don't have momentum to keep going no matter what.  I recall that "impossible" has not been much of a limitation with me. I used to have fights with my dad because he would say, "that's impossible" and I would say "no, it's not", we can make it possible.

Now I am wondering what is motivation though and what is self-will. Therefore I am writing this point out and will do self-forgiveness on it.

Earlier I listened to the interview series "Together we are strong", a life review on Eqafe. The life review is done by a former leader of one of the countries in the world. He talked about being so incredibly motivated, having so much passion to create change in the world that this passion kept him going, working against all odds but it also made him blind to the reality of things because he was guided by his emotions.

These statements struck a chord in me and I asked myself: when do I walk my path from passion/motivation and when do I walk from self-will? I consider self-will being at the starting point of awareness at a place where resistances are 'at home', so to speak. One has to move oneself through these resistances. Motivation by contrast is easy because it is masqueraded by emotions. Today when I was reflecting on the difference between the two, I could not tell if I was aware when I was under the influence of passion and when I was coming from self-will.

In other words, I have not developed a "sensitised self" in relation to the point, so that I can distinguish the two, only when I reach some form of extreme, say when I have a lot of resistances, then it's obvious that I have to move from self-will, to move myself at all. (though it does not mean that self-will and resistance are linked at all times)  Likewise, when I perform past my body limits then that's me acting from emotion ignoring the physical constraints.

A fabulous way to observe these mechanisms has been within the sexual realm, acting from self-will is quite a bit of work and requires a step-by-step process: first decision and then self-movement via self-will.

I will continue in my next blog on this point. 
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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Day 470 - My relationship with a virus pt8

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This is the last post in this series of days 463-270

Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1

Day 464 - My relationship with a virus pt2

Day 465 - My relationship with a virus pt3

Day 466 - My relationship with a virus pt4

Day 467 - My relationship with a virus pt5

Day 468 - My relationship with a virus pt6

Day 469 - My relationship with a virus pt7



In this post I will write about the Consequence dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise when I got involved with Z that I was creating consequences for myself that would affect me for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down in the moment when I want to follow my mind and first assess how my decision will affect my body.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created states of anger which I directed to my ex-partner because I could not control the situation with him, and in this moment I used the virus as revenge act to get back at him - and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have acted in total separation and spiteful intention, passing on what has been passed onto me instead of realising that this is how abuse is perpetuated, creating cycles of abuse.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for how I act in the world, where in this instances I created consequences with one decision from the starting point of egodesire and need, and only now recognise the web of consequences I have created for myself and others.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have turned a blind eye to how my desire and need for affection and recognition from my partner have directed my life so that I undermined myself to the point of self-destruction.



Commitment

When and as I make a decision to act, I render myself aware of the potential consequences, because I realise that every decision I make has repercussion that I must first consider, specifically I must realise that feelings and emotions are blinders within the decision-making process. Therefore I commit myself to stop all feelings and emotions and suspend making decision when I am under the influence of an emotional state.


When and as I experience anger, I stop myself and slow myself down and breathe, I freeze all my actions because I stop myself from allowing anger to direct me - I take responsibility and commit myself to make decisions that are based on the principle of "give as you would like to receive" regardless of how others in my reality respond to me,  I centre my actions within the relationship I have with myself.
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Monday, December 16, 2013

Day 469 - My relationship with a virus pt7

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Here I continue from these posts:



Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1

Day 464 - My relationship with a virus pt2

Day 465 - My relationship with a virus pt3

Day 466 - My relationship with a virus pt4

Day 467 - My relationship with a virus pt5

Day 468 - My relationship with a virus pt6



with the Physical dimension:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made decisions in regards to wanting to be loved and to please someone else, where I sacrifice my body and in the course of doing so I have allowed for a virus to be transmitted to my body and my body is now attacked periodically. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed the desire of my mind over the protection of my body and this is why I am now dealing with the effects on my body while the desire of the mind is no longer there. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created suffering for my body when the virus creates broken skin and I experience myself as helpless in how I can support my body.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to touch the blisters when they come up because of the uncomfortable and itching sensation that I experience on my lip. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body/face/lips because when the virus attacks I perceive my body as inferior


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to impose my will on my body, or to dominate my body with the expectation for it to fix itself quickly.



Commitments:


When and as I want to sacrifice my body for the desires of my mind, I stop and breathe - before I go ahead I look at the possible consequences that my body will have to bear and only when I have a complete understanding will make my decision in favour of my body because I see, realise and understand that the mind only has a limited perspective of the physical reality. I commit myself to stop myself from automatically following my mind when making decisions and first inspect the consequences of my decision upon my physical reality



When and as I act in the world, I see, realise and understand that I must protect my physical body from the mind and make the starting point the physical reality I exist in and as because as I protect the body I also protect the greater physical environment and stop catering to the mind and its destructive nature. I commit myself to see, understand, and realise the limitations of the mind in providing me with holistic perspectives of existence and focus on obtaining a realistic perspective through the physical reality and my self-honesty



When and as I experience myself as helpless in regards to the consequences that I have created upon my physical body, I stop and breathe, I commit myself to self-investigate the pattern that I have allowed myself to exist as and so take responsibility for what I have created. 



When and as I want to touch the blisters generated by the virus, I stop and breathe, I give the body the space it needs to recover and stop interfering with the healing process because I see, realise and understand that any interaction with the blisters is motivated by my mind. I commit myself to stand one and equal to my body in all and any state my body is in.
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Sunday, December 15, 2013

Day 468 - My relationship with a virus pt6

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This post is a continuation for :




Reaction dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to Z because I blame him for the fact that a virus lives in my body, which is convenient for me to not take responsibility for my actions and to hide behind the belief that I did not know that he was carrying the virus. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment towards men because i have a belief that men are careless and selfish, which is a belief I have based on a memory from my mother in how she assessed men. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with frustration because I can no longer go back in time and undo what I did and save myself from this virus. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with aversion to myself and others who have skin problems because I have a picture of myself with the perfect skin. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in desperation when looking for a cure to be rid of the virus. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in guilt about what I have done to myself and how I have made myself suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame because others know that a virus has been transmitted to me and in shame I see myself as inferior to others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with impatience because I can't wait for the virus breakout to heal up and my skin return to normal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sadness because I realise that I have to have this relationship with a virus for the rest of my life. 

Commitment:

When and as I react with anger towards Z because I blame him for having the virus, I stop and breathe, I realise that anger creates even more abuse in my physical body and keeps me trapped in my mind. I commit myself to stop any and all anger associated with the relationship I have with the virus and be and exist in equality instead. 

When and as I react with resentment in relation to Z and the virus, I stop and breathe, I realise that i have internalised my mother's belief without questioning it, thus I stop the belief and stop the resentment and take responsibility for my actions even when I was not aware of the consequences - because I realise that on some level I could have made a different decision even if I did not have all information. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am in charge of making decisions for myself and thus I create the consequences in my life. 

When and as I react in frustration because I live in a physical reality with a time line and I cannot return to the past physically, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is supportive to my process so that I face myself in what I have created and deal with the consequences. 

When and as I react with aversion to myself virus breakout or towards others with skin problems, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that this is self-manipulation which only I can stop and so I do. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that self-manipulation is trapping me to my preprogrammed behaviour.

When and as I react in desperation when looking for a definite cure for the virus breakout, I stop and breathe, I realise that desperation here is me allowing myself to run away from facing the point because I don't want to accept the reality. I commit myself to stop all desperation and focus on facing the point in all of its dimensions. 

When and as I react with guilt towards myself because of what i have done/allowed to happen to my body for the sake of getting attention and affection, I stop and breathe,  I realise that this is part of preprogrammed design and I am taking responsibility for it. I commit myself to continue walking process and out of my mind. 

When and as I react in shame to having caught the virus, I stop and breathe, I realise that I use the shame to suppress the emotions on this point. I commit myself to stop shame and face the point in all its dimensions. 

When and as I react with impatience because I want to be rid of the effects of the virus, I stop and breathe,  and slow myself down so that I can understand how I have programmed myself. I commit myself to do the work that it takes to understand how I have programmed myself.

When and as I react with sadness because the relationship with my virus is here to stay, I stop and breathe I see this as an opportunity to understand myself. I commit myself to develop a relationship of equality with the virus. 
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