Saturday, December 14, 2013

Day 467 - My relationship with a virus pt5

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This post is a continuation from the previous posts. Read pt1 for context. 


Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1

Day 464 - My relationship with a virus pt2

Day 465 - My relationship with a virus pt3


Day 466 - My relationship with a virus pt4



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about Z where I want to tell him to his face what I think of him because I blame him for passing on his virus to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat when the blisters grow and I can't stop them from growing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat where I want to hurry up the process of healing so that I can get it over with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the virus' breakout where I feel sorry for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about finding a cure that gets rid of the virus for good.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about what I would trade for not having the virus live in my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit to myself that I have backchat about the virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the virus where I try to convince myself that things could be much worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about there not being a cure for the virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have backchat about the virus' timing when it breaks out in relation to important times in my life.


Commitments:

When and as I want to blame Z, I stop and breathe, and I realise that I have been part of the collective that has brought this virus into being and therefore I am just as much a participant as Z even if in this life time I have been on the receiving end. I commit myself to stop victimising myself in relation to my experience with Z and to the virus.

When and as the virus attacks my body and I want to backchat about it, I stop and breathe, I realise that I limit myself by circulating thought patterns between my mind and my memory.

When and as I have backchat about the blisters not healing fast enough, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to jump ahead because I want to control the situation. I commit myself to stop wanting to control the healing process because that is when I feel save. 

When and as I have backchat about not having a cure, I stop and breathe, I realise that the cure is process and I keep walking my process in breath. I commit myself to walk process, pushing my limits and stepping out of my comfort zones.

When and as I have backchat about what I could trade for the virus, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a form of self-manipulation and I stop. I commit myself to stop using backchat to continue the manipulation program I have accepted as me.

When and as I have backchat about the fact that things could be much worse, I stop and breathe, I realise that I use my backchat to calm myself down, and thus trap myself within polarisation. I commit myself to stop and breathe and do not allow myself to oscillate between the polar opposites.

When and as I have backchat about the fact that the virus' timings, I realise that the timings are the consequence of my emotions, therefore I stop and breathe and take responsibility for my emotional reactions.
[Continue reading...]

Day 466 - My relationship with a virus pt4

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This post is a continuation from the previous post:


Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1

Day 464 - My relationship with a virus pt2

Day 465 - My relationship with a virus pt3




Imagination dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I will find the cure for the virus to get it out of my life and body - and thus I don't give up trying new things that can kill the virus for good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I can communicate with the virus and that we can get to an agreement that it will not longer attack my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the virus has a choice to either decided for me or against me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that others will no longer allow me in their midst when they know about my virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that others see me as a danger to their children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the virus in separation of me and not realising that I am as much the virus as I am me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that what would have happened if I had ended my relationship with Z and the virus could have never entered my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine if I had protected myself by not being intimate when Z was looking sick and this is why I replay the memory where I actually stop myself and him from getting physically close as he is looking sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that there is a good side to having a virus like the one I do and I imagine that good side has to do with preserving my body in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I tell Z that it was never worth it to be with him and that I blame him for giving me a virus because he knew very well what was up even if I did not.

Commitment:

When and as I desire to erase my history with the virus I stop my thoughts because I realise that my main concern is the picture I present to the world in the moments when the virus is active. While I understand that the picture I present to the world has impact on how people judge me, I see, realise and understand that there is no reason to judge myself. I commit myself to stopjudging myself as picture and start living as being here, equal and one to existence.

When and as I imagine that I can communicate with the virus I stop myself and breathe because I realise that this me wanting to negotiate peace since I do not want to accept the virus as is. Icommit myself to stop all separation regarding the virus and face up to my choices.

When and as I imagine the virus as an autonomous being I stop and breathe, I realise that this is a typical move on my part - as our culture personifies all kinds of things, e.g. cartoons, stuffed animals, etc, - this serves me to have an entity that I can address in a number of ways, e.g. blame for not making a decision in my favor. I therefore stop creating a persona from the virus' existence.

When and as I imagine that others don't allow me in their midst I realise that these are my fears that I project onto others, I stop and breathe and I realise that I create separation between myself and others through fear of rejection and I allow my fears to dictate me who I am.  I commit myself to stop my fears.

When and as I have regret about my relationship with Z, I stop and breathe, I realise that this relationship was the consequence of my programming in relation to not accepting myself and needing others to validate me. I commit myself to stop making decisions in how I direct myself that support any programme where I see myself as less than someone else.

When and as I imagine that there is a good side to having this virus in my body, I stop myself from making up a story in my head to calm myself down. I commit myself to stop creating emotions in relation to the virus.

When and as I want to have an imaginary conversation with Z, I stop myself and breathe, I realise that this is my justification for how I feel about having the virus and obviously I don't want to take responsibility for this virus.
[Continue reading...]

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Day 465 - My relationship with a virus pt3

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Previous posts related to this topic

Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1

Day 464 - My relationship with a virus pt2




Thought dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of violently killing the virus and emerging as winner because I am now free from the pain and the uncomfortable moments where I am facing others with blisters on my lips.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where I have a lip that is swollen like that of a cartoon figure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought where my lip breaks open and 'stuff' oozes out of my lip and does not stop.



Commitment

When and as I have a thought where I picture violence in my relationship with the virus I breathe and stop, I realise that I create separation between myself and the virus and I use abuse to control this separation. I commit myself to create a relationship where I am equal to the virus and I stop interpreting the breakouts from emotion and feeling.


When and as I have a picture where I have a lip swollen like that of the cartoon character, I stop and breathe, I no longer victimise myself on the premise of having the virus break out in mybody, but I learn to breathe through the episodes without any mental attachment. I commit myself to stand one and equal to any breakout of the virus that I experience on my body.

When and as I have a picture where my I perceive the "insides" of my body spill out  - I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my fear of death and so I stop and realise, see and understand that the perception of death is through my mind, I therefore stop all thoughts and stop my mind.
[Continue reading...]

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Day 464 - My relationship with a virus pt2

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This post is a continuation from the previous post.

Self-commitment on the Fear Dimension

When and as I fear getting blisters on my mouth, I stop and breathe, I realise that these are the self-created consequences I live and I stand one and equal to the consequences and to the virus because the virus is a being as I am a being, and we are both utlising my body which in essence substance - part of the earth -  and from that perspective the virus utilises the earth via my body as I utilise the earth by harvesting nourishment and constructing shelter for my survival. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that the virus in my body shares the same beingness as I do.

When and as I fear that I am being judged by others for carrying a virus, I stop and breathe, I realise that I judge myself and that I use shame to keep the judgement going so that I experience myself as inferior because I have a virus living in my body. I commit myself to stop all shame on this issue and realise that I am reacting to the picture that I have of myself where my body should be in a perfect state.

When and as I fear that the virus in my body wants to harm me, I stop and breathe, I realise that this is my mind’s backchat which I listen to and believe because this fear motivates me to find ways to get rid of the virus. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I project the virus’ intention and that this is a figment of my imagination.

When and as fear that I cannot control when the virus shows itself, I stop and breathe, I realise that this point exists because I fear not being in control, as I use control of my environment or what happens to my body as ego mechanism to know who I am by identifying myself with the external world.
I commit myself to continue to walk the point of ego until I stand in clear, one and equal to all that is here in this world -  equal and one within the relationship of myself.

When and as I fear the virus that lives in my body, I stop and breathe, I realise that in self-honesty I can understand my relationship with the virus and re-create a relationship that is best for all involved. I commit myself to walk the virus point in self-honesty until I grasp the relationship I have created with the virus and am able to change it so that I create oneness and equality through it.

When and as I fear the virus because I fear death, I stop and breathe, I realise that the reason I fear death is because I am not equal to life and I am still my mind - so I commit myself to continue walking my process and to walk out of my mind and all fears.

When and as I fear that the virus creates scar tissue, I stop and breathe, I realise that this fear is based on the picture I have of myself where I want to be a ‘perfect’ picture because I have allowed and accepted the brainwash of the media that I must exist as a picture and moreover, I base my self-acceptance on a picture. I commit myself to continue walking the point of self-acceptance until I fully accept myself in every way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have a memory and hold onto to it-  of my mother who tells me that having scars is a bad thing and that I have to avoid getting scars in my life where she further tells me the story that when I had my appendix removed in the hospital, she ‘fought’ for a method that would not leave a big scar so that when I was older and would wear a bikini there would be no scar visible and I could preserve my beauty.

I forgive myself that I judge the memory of my mother and her story about the scar from a superior position yet I have programmed myself with the same ‘thinking’ regarding the potential scars that are produced by the virus.

When and as the memory of my mother telling me the story of the scar comes up, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have used this story to create an inferiority towards scars by judging them as negative and bad. I commit myself to stand one and equal to scars and realise that they are the consequence of the mind.

When and as I fear the underlying truth why and when the virus appears visibly on my body, I stop and breathe, I realise that the virus supports me in facing myself. I commit myself to ‘work’ with the virus to face myself and walk through the points related to our relationship - until it’s done. 
[Continue reading...]

Day 463 - My relationship with a virus pt1

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Problem:

I have a virus that lives inside of me since I was in my late twenties. The story goes that I was quite young and inexperienced and met a guy who impressed me with his worldliness. I was not aware of his high-story and the types of involvement he had with other people. One day he came to visit me and looked a bit sick, I felt sorry for him and wanted to make him feel better by giving him affection. Of course he really liked that. Then after a while I learned that he was taking hard drugs and that that had a taxing effect on his body.

We had fundamental differences in how we related to each other but I was quite insecure about myself, so I could not see that the best thing was to call our intimate relationship off. Anyway, he managed to catch himself and today he lives in Los Angeles and is a successful chef.

What remained for me was the relationship with a virus who found the way into my body because I did not protect myself and somewhere I believed that my uncompromising physical availability was a sign of my love for this guy. Of course today, many years later, I understand that the problem was the lack of my self-value and fear of rejection, and because of these programs I was willing to sabotage my own health. Heck, I could have contracted HIV, but I fortunately did not.

The virus though is here to stay and while I have tried to get rid of ‘it’ it seems much stronger than any homeopathic remedy, or other alternative meds I have taken to shake 'it' out of my body.

Mostly, it’s the pain and unpredictability when it appears that affects me the most because when ‘it’ shows up in form of little blisters on my mouth, more often than not it has been in crucial situations, such as me giving a presentation or meeting new people I network with, or I travel somewhere important. Lately it’s been like clockwork, whenever I was due to meet some important engagements where I 'had' to be physically present, meaning the picture I had to present had to be impeccable, the virus showed up.

So during the last episode where, once again, I had to present myself to approximately 40 people, I stood there with a swollen and deformed lip and afterwards I decided to take responsibility for this uninvited guest living in my body.

This series is dedicated to my virus, where I release and let go of all associated dimensions that hold our relationship in place in it's current form, and I open myself to stand equal and one to this virus, taking responsibility for myself and for 'it' as part of my physical existence.


Fear Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting blisters on my mouth and to go out of my way to find methods and ways to eliminate the blisters as quickly as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others because I consider the blisters on my mouth as a stigma which repels others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others do not like me because I carry a virus and that they see me as a danger because of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the virus in my body because I believe that the virus wants to harm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot control when the virus decides to show itself, in form of blisters on my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the virus because I don’t understand how my mind/thoughts are related to the virus’ presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never being rid of the virus and that having the virus live in my body contributes to dying faster than if I were living without the virus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the virus causing wounds on my skin will create scars when the wounds heal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the truth why and when the virus shows itself.
[Continue reading...]
 
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