Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Day 462 - Justifications and professional survival pt4


Commitment statements on Day 460

When and as I am operating from lack, from a negative state of being, I stop myself and realise that this is the fundamental starting point of the mind consciousness system and that if I operate from this point, I am operating from my pre-programmed design - so I stop myself and breathe and realise that what I am experiencing is not real, then I focus with my eyes on the physical reality around me and re-centre myself to create a starting point within the relationship of myself and I relate to the situation from this point on forward. Specifically to the perceived lack of not connecting with Z, I stop the desire within myself and roll back this urge of wanting to act on my desire, I realise that there are many ways of moving myself forward professionally and this does not depend on one individual. I commit myself to taking the responsibility and doing the "work" to provide myself with the best position within my professional work context. 

When and as I look at the point of connecting with Z from the perspective of "someone having something I don't have" I realise that this point has already been in my life when I was in high school, and has played out in many ways, therefore I realise that I have me which is all it takes to move myself through any situation and walk my process. I commit myself to remain in the relationship with myself and move myself from the starting point of myself as a whole being who has all that it takes to function in this physical reality. 

When and as I realise that I am compensating for my introverted personality where I disconnected from others and stayed by myself - and now - by wanting to connect with others at any price, I realise that I am not here in breath but have moved myself to the other extreme, thus I stop and breathe - I do not allow myself to move myself in this manner, once I stop I assess the situation from within the relationship of myself to understand what motivates me to connect with the individual. I commit myself to stop myself from developing a personality that 'compensates' for the introvert personality. 

When and as I do not allow myself to stand equal to the act of proposal writing, I stop and breathe, I stop all imaginations and expectations of what it will be like and remain here. I commit myself to not allow myself to fall into the an inferior state of being because i believe my thoughts on the act of writing a proposal for research funding.
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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Day 461 - Justifications and professional survival pt3


Commitment statements on Day 459

When and as I believe that a relationship with a colleague is beneficial for me and that I need to pursue it further, I stop and breathe, I first look at the relationship and consider how I relate to the individual already, and then I make a decision in how my relationship with the person can create a mutual benefit or what I can offer in the relationship that might be of value to the other. commit myself to identify the value that I can bring to the relationship and focus on a mutual gain so that the relationship is best for all. 

When and as I believe that my relationship with another colleague is the only way that I can grow professionally, I stop and breathe and realise that with this type of belief I set myself up for obsessive thinking and acting. I commit myself to move myself from within myself to learn new material that will further my professional growth, and if a relationship with a colleague provides potential for growth, I will incorporate the relationship but will stop relying on the relationship as my main focus in these matters. 

When and as I encounter a conflict situation between my lab and the faculty, I stop and breathe, I stop taking responsibility for the entire situation and remain within myself. I realise that what happened in the lab/faculity cannot be undone and I relealise that although I am associated with the lab I am not the one who has to fix it. I realise further that the desire to fix it and to give advise in how to go about it is a related pattern with my family where I took on the responsibility to create peace between my parents

When and as I experience myself in resentment because I do not want to face the situation that I believe i inherited, I stop and breathe, I realise that I have created a belief in the mind where I can only see a disadvantage, rather than looking at the situation as is and realising that all situations bring opportunities. I therefore stop going into the situation further and using my imagination to 'paint' a picture, instead I stay one and equal to the situation and push myself to participate with the lab without placing expectations on the outcome so that I can use these non-achievement of these expectations to confirm my beliefs. I commit myself to stop interpreting the situation at the lab and stop creating resentment based on beliefs. 

When and as I experience fear of loss in relation to Z, I stop and breathe, I realise I want to have an easy way out where I connect to someone and through this person I get the type of research funding I am interested in - I realise that this is a total construct of the mind with no relationship to reality because no personal relationship is a guarantee to receive funding for research - the fact is that all researchers struggle to get their proposals accepted and even knowledge, experience and information bears no safety net in these matters. Therefore, i commit myself to stop fearing loss of something that is a total illusion because I realise it's just a program running where I abdicate my responsibility. I commit myself to take responsibility for my own research funding and become the collaborator I would like to have in learning the ropes of writing proposals and getting them successfully funded. 
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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Day 460 - Justifications and professional survival pt2


Here I continue with what I started in my previous post. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon this professional connection with Z like a point of consumption based on the desire to establish a two-way connection with Z because I believe then my life will be better, then I can secure my survival - whereby I am not realising that I am moving myself from a negative state, a perceived lack, towards the goal of fulfilment and the perception of a positive state of being. Thus, I forgive myself to move myself from the point of negativity in the search for positivity and therefore continuing the mind-consciousness cycle of preprogrammed existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to the point that Z represents in my life but instead desire to transform the point, so that it is to my advantage - even though this perceived advantage is a illusion because there is no concrete "work" outcome that I could point to if I were to have a mutual communication channel with Z. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to go into the opposite direction, of wanting to connect with others in my field whereas in my previous work relationship I was trying to distance myself from others - because I operated from negative judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to relate to the situation with Z from a childhood pattern where I built up desires about the things I knew I could not have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resentment within myself where I want to react to Z in revenge. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project that Z can save me in relation to collaborative proposal writing - where I am convinced that through him I can succeed in getting a proposal accepted. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have an academic partner with whom I am secure in writing a proposal because I don't believe that my supervisor is sufficiently competent to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, in that I trust that I will find and mobilise enough resources to be sure that I submit a proposal with the highest possibility of being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand equal to the act of proposal writing and allow myself to be inferior and thus look to others - such as Z - as saviours in this situation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extend my experience of being "not enough" into my professional environment. 
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