Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 459 - Justifications and professional survival pt1

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I am continuing with another situation, also related to work. I work in a lab that is going through a big transition phase. The people who were there before and are now finishing their contracts, all of them have a totally different background than me - meaning the transition phase is moving the discipline of the lab into a new direction. I was hired to get the new direction off the ground. However, within the larger centre there are two other groups which work on topics related to my field.

Research in general is highly collaborative and many activities are done together with others. This is difficult in my case because I am a one person show, the others in my group are not interested in what I do - they are students - and they are on their track to get their theses finished. Understandably. The groups whose discipline I share do not talk to me much and keep their distance. This is due to some political situation that I am not privy to but I have been told it has to do with the history of the lab.

Be it as it may, the situation that I am facing is that I would like to connect and therefore I make all kinds of efforts to hook up with these people to share what I can. While they readily take, for example, they come to seminars that I organise I am unable to establish a link that goes both ways. Today was one of those days again, I tried to establish a link after the seminar where I had a guest speaker. In particular there is one guy I would like to talk to for the purpose of sharing and collaboration.

He's got a polite way of keeping me at an arms length, and I fall in process because I react in frustration. Today I am taking the first steps to figure out what my beliefs are around this point and what is going on with me that I believe that I must at any cost find people at the uni to connect with for my professional survival.

Problem:
I am unable to connect to my peers due to a political situation at the uni, which causes them to stay away from the lab I am part of and I want to connect because I believe that my professional survival is at stake if I cannot collaborate with my peers.

Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run after Z because I believe that the relationship with him is beneficial for me and my professional goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot grow in my work if I do not have other researchers within my field around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that he has information for me that I ought to know to survive at uni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to work on getting the conflict I know nothing about resolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being left out and have to struggle to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the separation between the different groups in that they will cause disadvantage for my lab.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must bring the groups together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my role to bring "peace" to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Z and I have much to share which could be beneficial for each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent that I have "inherited" a bad situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must fix the situation, instead of merely walking my process, slowing myself down and seeing what I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an external goal rather than concentrating on being here in every moment of breath and trusting myself that I will see where I need to act to make progress within my professional life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognise that if I don't stop I will become obsessed to connect with Z as a way to show myself that I have manipulative powers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have created attachment and fear of loss in relation to the being in contact with Z. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it's about controlling the situation and not about me making a connection with Z. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am still dealing with an old pattern where I see no option to a situation other than the one that I cannot have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put the goal to connect with Z above walking process and that I am holding on to the expectations that this connection could potentially bring me. 
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Monday, November 25, 2013

Day 458 - Ending the Bully

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Today I am only going to write about a topic, the self-forgiveness on this I have done in private. But I wanted to share some insight into my process on this topic. Over the years I have had many superiors,  few of them were supportive individuals who knew how to lead others. Most of my bosses would be categorised as bullies.  I say 'bully' by the typical definitions you can read on the web, I am not going to list the types of behaviours here because it's not the point I want to make in this post. 

My current boss has been showing some strong bully tendencies and today I finally stood up to him and told him to stop doing what he was doing.  What I realised is that the bully is a reflection of me which relates straight back to my parental relationships. I realised that my fear and insecurity invited these bosses to bully me around. Because I was doing everything to accommodate my superiors and not minding myself, I was opening myself up through my behaviour to accept and allow being bullied. 

In my previous situation where I dealt with a bully, I was able to manoeuvre myself out of it with a lot of help from a friend who had written a book on bully bosses. So it was not really of my own doing. Back then I went through a hard time, and I recall I suffered a lot until the situation was turned around. The suffering consisted of immense fears, survival fears, entailing basic living, my status, my credentials - it was so intense, I was totally consumed by it. This was before I became a Destonian and before I learned about the mind from the Destonian perspective. 

This time around I am dealing with a much milder case, or perhaps I am much further in getting to know myself and having released several self-limitating behaviours that I have imposed on myself over the years.

I realised that bullying requires prerequisites: a) a person who does not see their own value and b) does not recognise the points that are unacceptable.

a) and b) are interconnected because without seeing your own value you cannot understand when someone else de-values you.  

In the first instance (a), the self-devaluation comes from not being comfortable within oneself, of having a bunch of beliefs and back chats that internalise the critique, the never good enough personality. In a way the bully matches this behaviour like a lock matches a key. The feeling of being uncomfortable is communicated beyond the words, it's comes through the physical behaviour and through general (re)actions to the words of the other. 

In the second instance, in b, the inability to recognise the points of abuse is in particular interesting. Because of the lack of self-respect, it's difficult to even recognise what is unacceptable. What came through for me was the notion that there is something 'wrong' with the interaction and that I experience a certain level of drainage within myself. The realisation here is that the points cannot be easily grasped because the person, in this case I, was used to abuse from home. Habits make us blind to what we are actually accepting and allowing within ourselves. So, therefore, I could grasp the point on some level but could not understand it enough to put into writing and show it to myself. Let alone speak up about it. While the speaking up is yet another story, the content that is needed to be able to speak about is missing. My Desteniiprocess course was a tremendous eye opener for that. Here I learned to understand points by grasping them completely through writing myself out. 

Back to today. After my lunch break on my first day back from my travels, I went to my boss and told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour on a specific point was unacceptable to me and that I require for it to stop out of mutual respect. After I spoke the first two sentences I started to feel alright,  the thumping feeling in my solar plexus slowed down and finally stopped. 

What has been incredibly helpful to turn around this situation, has been the Atlantean series on Eqafe, where specific mind programs such anxiety and anticipation are laid out. Understanding what was happening in my mind and body from that perspective was a powerful tool to have in the process of getting to the point of today. 

I know that from today onwards I have changed my relationship with my boss. That is not to say that he will change his behaviour but it will say that I can draw the line and that he is aware that his behaviour has consequences. I draw the line through conducting self-investigations, writing or speaking the self-forgiveness and then correcting my behaviour in an applied situation as this one. 


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