Sunday, November 3, 2013

Day 453 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt4

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This post starts with the commitment statements on the thought dimension, it is a continuation of the previous posts:



Day 450 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt1
Day 451 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt2
Day 452 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt3



When and as I allow myself to feel humiliated and defeated because I hold on to a memory from third grade where I felt defeated and humiliated because I did not understand the context in which I was queried by the teacher, when I use this memory to react to situations that I don't understand and I am being queried in relation to such a situation, I stop my automated feelings by breathing in awareness, slow and with attention to my body, I stop anxiety, which is the first stage of these types situations, and from stopping myself to go into anxiety, I disrupt the whole cycle which would end in feelings of defeat and humiliation. I commit myself to direct myself in situations where I am not understanding everything and where I am being asked to respond, I stay with myself in self-value and self-trust - and therefore replacing all anxiety which leads to feelings of defeat and humiliation, with self-direction from within the relationship with myself.

When and as I am in a situation where I believe I have nothing to hold onto from the external world, as in the memory of my first day of school where my mother was treating me in anger and annoyance and I was about to face a situation of meeting all the new kids which made me afraid, I stop and breathe, I slow myself down, I let go of this memory and no longer rely on my external world for my self-worth, I rely on myself, I am in a relationship with myself and from this point I direct myself in the world and from this point I communicate with others. I commit myself to stop all influence of memories from when I was a child where I tried to find recognition and acceptance in the outside world, be it my parents, relatives, teachers, friends, or peers and communicate with others from within the relationship I have with myself.

When and as I am in a situation where I want to draw on the memory of the professor who used to straighten out his tie before he would spank one of the pupils, I stop and breathe, I realise that I am no longer a small child where I have to fear that adults will just abuse me without my consent and where I habituated myself to abuse because that is what I learned from adults, I commit myself to stop drawing on these memories and to re-create situations of abuse within my life - I commit myself to stop all addicted behaviour that leads to abuse and reactive feelings and learn to communicate effectively when I do not accept another's behaviour because it is abusive and spiteful - and equally I learn to communicate with myself through self-honesty to stop all abusive behaviour that I am capable of.

When and as I am coping with situations in my life where I have fallen victim to another's behaviour and/or abuse as with the stink bomb that was thrown in my long hair in primary school, I stop myself from going into self-victimisation because I realise that no one on earth is innocent regarding any situation of abuse because we have all tolerated abuse time and again, specifically when it was not done to us but with our awareness of the situation we gave permission for situations of abuse to continue, and therefore I stand up within myself and do not accept the concept of victim but instead I dedicate myself to my process with more rigor and radical application. I commit myself to no longer accept any memory where i end up as victim to influence me and to allow myself to feel exempt and feel pity - instead I take responsibility for all behaviours and stop the polarisation of victim and abuse. 
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