Friday, November 1, 2013

Day 452 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt3

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In this post I continue writing on the pupils, their classroom activities, and the behaviour of the teachers towards the pupils. 

The previous posts related to this topic can be found here:

Day 450 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt1
Day 451 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt2

Commitments on the fear dimension.

When and as I fear that more children will be brainwashed by our unawareness of how we program children and that this will affect their self-value, I stop and breathe, I realise that walking my process with unrelenting dedication and discipline is the answer to this fear because only if I stop myself from continuing my preprogrammed behaviour, I can set an example of self-movementby which others can see how we can change to live in this world in equality. I commit myself to become a living example of walking out of my mind by applying self-forgiveness and walking the self-correction on the pre-programmed points of my behaviour.

When and as I try to convince myself that I cannot overcome my own indoctrination, I stop and breathe, I realise that here I am allowing my mind to limit myself instead of getting on with it, walking my process without any predications or projections what I can and cannot do. I commit myself to apply myself in my process intently and with deliberation, breath-by-breath so that I walk out of my mind.

When and as I fear that I will not be aware of how I pass on my automated behaviours to others when in teaching situations, I stop and breathe, I see, realise and understand that I can be aware of my behaviours when I slow down and stop myself, when I do not allow my ego to take over and I do not allow myself to believe my thoughts - I realise that through this process I trust myself to increase my ability to see my points of automation and thus I am in the position to change them. I commit myself to apply patience in this process of walking out of my mind and to gently stir myself to become increasingly self-directive.

When and as I doubt and fear that humanity can ever change, I stop myself and breathe, I do not engage in my give-up character and focus on my process. I commit myself to not allow myself to allowing giving up as an option in my life in any shape or form.


Thought dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought come up where I am sitting in third grade in my chair and I experience myself defeated and humiliated because of the interactions with my teacher and I don't understand what is happening to me at that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought come up where on the way to my first day of school and I am experiencing myself emotionally challenged because on the one hand my mother is angry at me and I don't know why, and on the other because of the prospect of seeing all these children I have never met and fearing their encounter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought come up where I see my first professor, who used to touch his tie - to straighten it out by touching the knot of the tie and moving it from side to side -  right before he would call one of the students to come forth to have his or her fingers spanked with a ruler.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought come up where I am in the school's bathrooms, in primary school, where I am coping with a situation where some boys have thrown stink bombs into my long hair and I am standing in the bathrooms not knowing what to do next. 
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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Day 451 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt2

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In my last post, I reported about my encounter with the teachers and students, cycle 3, in a primary school where I am conducting research, or more specifically, where I was collecting data.

I see two main strands of self-forgiveness where I need to apply myself. The first is clearly my reaction to the situation and the second is from within the position of the teachers, not understanding what they are doing to the children, how they are indoctrinating them because unless we teach ourselves to be self-honest we cannot see our automated acceptances and allowances in how behave in the world.

The first strand is based on the memory I have of being a small child in school and not understanding what was asked of me, where it was so cryptic what teachers asked me to do, and where I realised that it was not that difficult to do and that I could have done it once it became clear what the teachers meant.

At this stage, I have come to this scene as an adult and I see what is happening in classrooms. The children's physical body postures were an open book, how could the teachers not see how badly they were experiencing themselves because they apparently did not reach the unannounced topic objective? How come no one thought to look at these kids' work in their own right. The pictures that had taken were beautifully composed yet that did not factor into the evaluations by the teachers.

I have to say, I was really baffled when I saw this because there was little difference between my school days which are now several decades ago.

I will first work on the first strand that I laid out above. 


Fear dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that more children will end up struggling with their self-value and self-esteem because of the way teachers communicate in classroom activities, placing expectations on children without clearly spelling them out, and responding to children in unawareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not overcome my lack of self-value because of the deep indoctrination I experienced as a child and which I see now happening to other young children, realising that this is the way of the world and it requires a total change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the inability of teachers to communicate and therefore fear my own blind-spots in not seeing how I repeat what I have been taught in my own teaching situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dimensions of this brainwashing of our children and the consequences for humanity as a whole. 


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Monday, October 28, 2013

Day 450 - The first steps of learning the inability to communicate pt1

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So in this post and the posts to come, I am going to write about my experience in relation to collecting data for research in a classroom of cycle 3 students, 8-10 years old.

I was filming the students interacting with ipads in the framework of a research project and I reacted with anger to how the teachers, three women, were responding to the children.

First up, I want to clarify that these teachers were already hesitant and not very enthusiastic teaching the kids, what is generally referred to as teaching "21st century skills" Although many of them use ipads on their own, they are afraid to use them in the class - here I am assuming that it is some sort of fear because this is what transpired, although indirectly, from the teacher meetings we had to kick off the project.However, my reaction was not necessarily geared towards their reluctancy to use the ipads or to integrate digital media.

The project required the children to take the ipads outside of the building about 500 m away from the school past the playground to a bunch of hedges. They were working in groups of three.Here they were supposed to take pictures of the hedges and figure out from a book which hedge they were looking at and recording these in pictures on the ipad. I was there filming from the beginning, that is I saw the instructions that were given to the children, as well as the children collecting samples of leaves and taking notes about what they saw. I was also there when they all returned to the class room and the teachers were asking each group what they found.

During the instructions, at the beginning of the project, there was no mention of what was expected of them. How to go about the various parts of the project. The only point were there was a mention about what they were looking for was the "the characteristics of the hedges". Therefore a wide palette of approaches to pictures and recordings were delivered and seen in the classroom afterwards.

This would have been all nice and well, but the teachers then started to then apply some criteria out of the blue and telling one group of children that they "forgot" to do this or that, while showing them that there work was not good enough. Even writing this out I can see my anger come up. Obviously i relate to what the kids went through. I was often sitting in class not knowing what the teacher expected of me, and feeling helpless because i did not know how to ask for clarification.

This is an interesting topic in that here is an opportunity to teach clear communication yet here are one of the early instances where we fuck up in teaching the ability to communicate by putting oneself into the shoes of another  - instead we install fear and anxiety when dealing with others who are in authority positions.

Self-forgiveness will follow.
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Sunday, October 27, 2013

Day 449 - The flash of a memory, a perfect holodeck experience

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Last night I came home in the evening, I did not see any of my flatmates but I did notice that my heater remained cold even when I turned it on. I then went to bed and did not make a big deal out of it. This morning I woke up and my room was cold. No big deal. A while later, I went upstairs to take a shower and the water did not heat up. Only cold water.

Then I took a breath and decided that I did not buy into the 'program', the belief that the water is too cold for me to take a shower, because it was not that cold since the outside temperatures where about 15 ° C. The moment I made that decision and started to proceed with the cold water a memory flashed in front of my eyes where I am standing in an open shower at a beach in southern Europe. I am on holidays with my parents. I am small, about six years or younger, and i am expecting the water to come out warm - similar to the water of the ocean. The water rushes down on me and is very cold, I experience a shock.

It was a fascinating moment to stand there in the shower years later and experience this memory, which was so vivid, so colourful, that I could hear the screams of the other children in the background, I saw the colours of the sand, and smelled the sun on my skin. All in a flash of a moment. Beyond any doubt I saw how we capture every moment of our lives - perfectly.

I immediately spoke a couple of sentences of self-forgiveness. In this post, I want to clean up the rest of the dimensions related to the avoidance of cold water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cold water because I fear experiencing the shock that I experienced when I was at the beach taking a shower to rinse off the salty water from the ocean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used this memory of experiencing a shock when cold water tumbles down on me to program myself to resist and avoid cold water near my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used expectations to navigate the world whereby I set up expectations as flags to program myself within polarisation where positive polarisation equals acceptance and happiness and negative polarisation equals resistance and avoidance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a thought of cold water causing a negative physical experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that cold water on my body is negative/bad/wrong and that I imagine that cold water can hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reiterate within myself the belief that I cannot expose my body to cold water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too sensitive to endure cold water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should be able to choose what temperature water is acceptable to me in using it on my entire body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with avoidance to the prospect that I have to put my body into cold water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance to wanting to take a shower with cold water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically move back from cold water, where my body develops guise-bumps and my muscles contract because I am about to put cold water on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that not being able to make use of cold water for washing myself has consequences that I am not able to take a shower in the wild in colder climates and that this has influenced my decisions in travel and other ways too numerous for me to even remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consequently enslave myself within the memory of being in shock of cold water and I am unable to summerise how this influencedthe decisions in my life.

Commitment statements

When and as I am looking to take a shower, I stop being completely automated in turning on the hot water and push myself to lower the temperature to eradicate any resistance that is left for me to avoid taking a cold shower so that I can get to the stage where I can take a shower at any temperature that is healthy for my body. I commit myself to experiment with this point every morning when I take a shower.

When and as I am telling myself that I cannot remember something within my self-investigations, I recall the clear memory that I allowed myself to come up with when dealing with the point of cold water and do not stop asking myself to remember any specifically-related memory so that I can release the points that I am facing. I commit myself to stand one and equal to my memory and retrieve the memories one-by-one to release them.

When and as I am about to form an expectation of a immediate future event, i stop and and breathe, I stop the expectation and render myself here in physical reality and anchor myself in myrelationship with myself through breathing. I commit myself to stop all expectation and practice this point until it's done. 
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